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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #007' by Kazeuri

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

Where is the mail? Where is the mail? OH MY GOD IT IS GOING DOWN YOUR THROAT BECAUSE IS TUFFED YOUR FAT FACE WITH IT! Die monkey boob!

Body

Go and ask them where it's at?! Mailbag #6 is here! The wheels that I run on broke, so they let me have a break at the electic company factory where I work, and sometimes I get to move the Uranium to protective casings, WITH MY BARE HANDS (Someone has to do it)! After I get done having seizures from work, I sit down and write mailbags!



Let's review some things! Here is a list of the top 10 best games of all time, compiled by me!



1.) Super Metroid - It takes the cake before yo' momma eats it all! The style was magnificent, the graphics never die, GREAT audio, and an over-all master game. This game has more replay value than an entire Mall Arcade.



2.) Sonic 1+2+3+Knuckles - Does it get any simpler? These games gave my Genesis all the life it ever needed, and more. They were the best platforming games have ever got to. They took an idea, mastered it, and then just kept adding in new crazy stuff to keep you playing.



3.) Final Fantasy (1) - Everyone says that they hate new final Fantasy because it is all about graphics. The other half of the crowd says that the stories are too involving, both crowds want more game play. Well, take a game that is barely any graphics, organized and short story, and relies ONLY on gameplay, then you have Final Fantasy. This game turned so many tricks it could put your momma's entire corner out of business. Truely amazing, especially for it's time.



4.) Final Fantasy (7) - Probably the last best Final Fantasy game. This game was massive, had something for everyone, and got around 99 hours and 59 minutes on my memory card (the maximum). yes, I did get all the master materia and everything else, this game is just... amazing. The story was so basic, it worked, and there were so many "corners" of the story, people still wonder about what happened to who, where, when and why. Most games today strive to be what Final Fantasy 7 was.



5.) Megaman (series) - I could waste away in front of this game, literally. All the games were pretty much the same, like one endless saga. Megaman kept me coming back for more and more, even Legends, which changed it into a 3D world of greatness. Megaman is certainly one of the greatest "fathers" of modern games today.



6.) Clock Tower - No game since this (PS Version) has ever been "scary". Not Resident Evil, not Silent Hill, nothing. This game was suspense, pure chill factor, and a story to boot. If you have never played this, wait for better compression and download it as a ROM, or better yet, go buy / rent it if you can find it. Amazing game.



7.) Fatal Frame - Ok, this game beats Clock Tower. It is based on a true story, but isn't "scary" like Clock Tower. This game is scary like... "OH MY FUCKING GOD RUN". It is piss your damn pants scary. If you do not become scared by this game, I do believe you do not have eyes and ears. Silent Hill can go suck an egg, this game has so much more to offer, and is SO damn scary.



8.) Grand Theft Auto (3) - GTA3 is one of the biggest games right now. It started out with a great premise in the series: let people be thugs, murder, steal cars, whatever, money in mayhem. Now, it has come back with a new way of doing it that has totally blown us away. Certainly the only game anyone can pick up, play for 20 minutes, and walk away from with a good feeling. It is simple, yet so massive.



9.) War Craft 3 - If I were to talk about how good this game was, I would just be wasting time I could be using to PLAY this great game! This game absolutely rules.



10.) Diablo 2 - I now hate this game. It has wasted more man hours, summers, and girl friends than nay other game in my history. This game will suck you in like a cheap candy bar, and then keep you hypnotized for a loooong time.



If you read this then you feel me! There are a ton of other good game stoo but I can't name them all. If you don't like a game I listen, please write a letter to IDontCare@ScrewYouBuddy.com



Now, let's get to the plentiful MAIL.



Title

"Name" Types:

Response:



Mr Bigglestaffing Agency

"Mr Bigglestaff" Etch'a'Sketches: I art Mr Bigglestaff!! HERE art some questions.

1) What is up with the ninja mask/K-Mart????

2) Uhhh..

3) Does god exist??

4) You say you are hiding 17 dead bodies, where exactly are they?

5) What is HR??? is it pirate talk like: Haaargh or shiver me timbers??

That is all. (i like pie/ding dong :@|)


Response: Well, I'll answer your questions that I feel like answering because I can.

1. I am a 1337 Ninja. The rest is so secret, that if I told you the Mailbag would EXPLODE.

3. Yes, but only on weekends.

4. Well, depends on which 17 bodies. Every 17 nights I kill 17 people and put them in my stash spot.

5. HR is "Horizontal Rule". It is HTML. It makes a line. Man, that is so angry me that no one knows HTML. HTML = Help Toads Make Lick. It is one of those Engirsh products.



Socks, Coke, and Pepper

"Socks" wears: Dr. Pepper or Cherry Coke?

Response: They are both pretty damn good. However, I have to ask you what a Dr. does. If you have a sneeze, you come to him and he makes it go away. What does Pepper do? It make syou sneeze! Who came up with that crap?!



This weed is got me high

"OnionKnight" says: Is this mail to short to become the Mail of the Month (MotM)? I think it's just perfect. It has got humor, something to think about, it has a good lenght, and it's spiffy. So why don't you give me the MotM award?

Response: Okay. I have no idea what Mail Of The Month is. If I ever did give out MotM awards, I would give it to Blue Moogle who spammed the mailbag like 900 times. Except, I wouldn't give it to him like you'd expect. I'd pund his face in with it until he became a cup.



God hates you

"theblakeman" Hohoho: Why does God hate British people and love Americans? He let US win the war against them anyway, so why?

Response: The reason most Americans fought besides land was to have freedom of religion. I guess the British were so blinded by their faith that they met their fate to a bunch of farmers who didn't even have uniforms or decent guns (not to mention a gross lack of training). Guerilla Warfare!



Mask on face, slide on up, point the guns, kill your ass

"Jumar1987" Types: Seriously: Why do people yawn after seeing someone else yawn? WHY!?!

Response: Well, let me go into SCIENCE KAZE mode. The reason why is because that it used to be used a long time ago. When all we used to do was hit animals with rocks and live together in a cave-orgy, everyone needed to follow the same schedule. When someone yawns, it creates a chainreaction and makes everyone feel a lot more fatigued. The intersting part is that you get a chain reaction by looking at their EYES, not their MOUTH. So, when I yawn in my ninja mask and you see my eyes, you get tired and then find your eyes looking at the heels of your shoes.



The Shadow Knows!

"Random Shadow" Types: When will the GamingW Arena be finished? It sounds pretty cool.

Response:It will probably be finished when Bart finished it. As far as I know, all Bart does is play with Cabbage Patch dolls and play War Craft 3. Expect it... some day. A long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away, Bartek was speedy.



You hit my heart with a booger!

"Jerrieko" Types: Why the hell does this shoddy excuse for a feature deserve a square on the front page? Did you get Bart hoped up on speed again, and make him think demons were amassing a large army of demon grunts to rape his mom? Just curious, since this is one of the most moronic things I have ever seen, and would never even consider being a part of it. To make this clear, I now declare that I will be boycotting mailbag, and hope all others do as well!

Response: Your lucky you don't get your lungs ripped out of your chest. However, since I am peace loving kinda guy, I will go with what you say. I here by-eclare you to be on the "IDONTCARE" plan. You get the benefits of "IDONTFUCKIGNCARE" and the "STFU TRUCK" will be arriving soon with a "WHEEL ON YOUR MEAL". Have fun until then.



Sniper on the roof with a gat

"squarstanvel" Types: hey, whats the rate of people joining GW per day?

Response: I have no idea the exact statistics. GW is somehow exploding with users though, and we welcome them all (Unless their name is "FBI-MAN", he isn't allowed). I would GUESS we get something like ATLEAST 5 users a day, sometimes more, sometimes less.



Where is your pants!?

"HyperScyther" Itches: KILL GEORGE W. BUSH! HACK NEOPETS! KILL AMERICANS!!!

Response: George Bush is suck. I hate Neopets. That is why everyone on AOL = crap. Well, there are RARE INSTANCES where that is not true. If you were offended by this, please read the manual that came with you "KAZEDOESN'TCARE" device.



Groth Groth GOOTH

"Angroth" Types: 9 articles and a funeral. Should I stop doing articles now?

Response: Where is the love? Well, do 8 more articls, and then make sure 16 more people die.



The Sage Of Fire!

"IceSage" sexes up: 1. Please explain to me why the Latest Resources / Audio // Reviews and Previews both have a little glasses symbol next to them.



2. If you (Kazeuri) get bored of your job with the almighty Mailbag, can I take over? I'm sure doing the mailbag would be a good job for me on Gaming World.. everything else would require effort.. which non of the other staff displays anyways.. come to think of it.. I'd probably fit right in!!!


Response: Here goes!

1. I took myself over there and have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Possibly someone has drawn glasses on your monitor. In that case, turn the monitor upside down and drink monkey blood.

2. Got bored? I love this job! It is totally awesome. It may not seem like it, but this job takes a lot of effort. I could just reply to every e-mail in a respectful manner, but that would be total crap. besides, this is the last issue before we replace this feature with "GROW MORE INCHES" ads.



It's not a mustache

"Hitler" Holocosts: Please consider joining me as I rid the earth of the big-nosed. That is all.

Response: I'm not going! I'm more of a Joseph Stalin kinda guy. Hitler = crap. You pussied out at the end, and your mustache makes you look like you don't know how to drink chocolate milk.



Since I didn't spell-check or edit this issue, expect a LOAD of typos and crappy formatting as you slip into the mailbag.



If you post with "FIRST POST" or any other lame form of that, please realize you are NOT funny. Infact, you are crap.



Oh look, I'll make ASCII art for me!!



______________

/ (* ) (* )



| _ | <----Oh look, it's you! You are fat like a pound

/ |----------| / cake!! Also, you have long hippy hair!

| | I think your head is stuck in the mailbox again

@ Faggort!



My ASCII got ruined because of GW, but trust me, it was totally awesome. It is probably BETTER now, but it was totally awesome before. It had a bird, and you, and a tree, and like 5 monkeys and stuff.



I hope you guys enjoyed this mailbag as much as I did.



Finally:





I'm out like you are after a non-alcoholic beer!