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Article - 'Confessions of a Hell-Mart Employee - Episode 1' by kermit the toad

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

A look into the life of Kermit the Toad, A university student who works in a store which he hates! Episode 1 is about RETURNED ITEMS!

Body

What you are reading now is the first in what will, if I am lucky and not lazy, be a series of articles about life as a department store employee. So, without further adieu (or some lame French word), let us begin.

First off, the disclaimer: The following article contains things which may be considered libel (aka: the written form of slander) against the department store chain for which I work and so, for reasons both legal and humorous, I will be referring to my store as ``Hell-Mart.``

This week`s article is about the gloriousness of returned items, but first, a true story.

I was up running a cash register at the main doors one day, when a middle aged man approached to purchase his...umm...purchases. He puts his items on the counter: a can of coffee grounds, and two packs of adult diapers. Assuming the old woman in line behind him is his mother I assume the diapers are for her. I am wrong. Suddenly, he turns to me and tells me, ``You`d better get a prostate exam.``

I stand and stare at him, not sure what to say.

``You need to get one done. I didn't and now look at him, I got prostate cancer and now I need to wear diapers cause of it,`` he says, completely sombre and serious as if prostate cancer is common in people under twenty. He then continued to say, ``Wow, this coffee is sure on sale for a good price.``

``Yes, yes it is sir.``

Any way, on to the main article:

Episode 1 - Returned Items

Since I am a university student, I can only work weekends and evenings. Generally, when I start an evening shift the first thing I do is check the returns. Why do I do this menial task willingly? Well, to be honest, it`s better than straightening shelves and making the store look pretty, which is, basically, my job (yes, I`m a glorified janitor despite what my boss tells me). So, sucky as putting the returns back on the shelves is, it's better than cleaning. Of course, it`s quite entertaining sometimes. Every now and then you get some little gem of a returned item, this article will focus on those, from the bathroom scale that was returned because, ``I [i]know[/i] I don't weigh as much as it says I do,`` to the box of condoms returned because one was ``missing.`` Here are a few of the other gems:

- An enema and a pack of laxatives returned. Apparently it was toonie Tuesday at Taco Bell (which is probably the reason for the next item).

- A pack of adult diapers returned because they were the wrong size. As if it's not embarrassing enough to have to buy them, but having to return them because they are the wrong size! I never want to get old.

-The pregnancy test that was returned because the customer, ``Didn`t like the results.``

- A calendar from the previous year. What jackass is stupid enough to try and return this? More importantly, what moron was dumb enough to let them? The thing had clearly been used for a full year, it`s not like it was old calendar
accidentally put on the shelf the next year instead of being disposed of…

Hmm...other funny returns? Unfortunately, I think I`m out of ideas. Any way, all of the above are true stories (slightly embellished perhaps, but true nonetheless). That`s it for this episode, hopefully there will be more to come soon!

PS: Sorry about using ` for both quotation marks AND apostraphies...it is the only symbol that looks remotely like either of those marks that will work on the script...