Gw Temp


Article - 'Tales of a Hell-Mart Employee - Episode 2' by kermit the toad

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003


Kermit explains in detail why working for Kmart might be the worst job ever.


Well, all the feedback about Episode 1 was positive, so I'm back, as promised, with Episode 2. First off, another true story about work.

No speekie teh english!

I was wandering around, helping customers when this old asian lady approaches me in the Health and Beauty section [aka: shampoos and toothpaste section]. She has a grocery bag with an empty bottle of shampoo in it. The brand is, well, I forget, but it`s one we don`t carry. Any way, she starts pointing to the bottle and saying, Two! Two!

I assume that she wants two bottles of the shampoo and so I look all over the shelves. I don`t see it at all and at this point I don`t realize we don`t carry it. So, I call one of the lifers [I will explain lifers in a minute] and ask her if we carry that brand and she says no. So, I tell this lady that we don`t carry that brand of shampoo. She points to the bottle and keeps saying Two.

Right. I`m confused as hell by this point and she doesn`t seem to understand me as I continue to explain that we don`t carry that type of shampoo. I suggest something similar. She bends down and points at the label of the one I suggested and starts saying, Two, two, two?

I say, you want two?

She tells me, Two two two.

I pick up two bottles and hand them to her.

No, two!

Umm...I have no idea.


Suddenly it hits me! She is asking about the price [I this day I`m still not totally sure]. I tell her thay, yes, it is about 2 dollars and she takes it, says Da-ku [Thank you] and walks away to the till.

Hmm...enough of that story. It`s not really that funny, but it shows the kind of crap I have to deal with! I don`t even understand my customers half of the time...and most of them are, technically, speaking English [unlike this lady].

On to the Article:

Part One - Lifers and Part Timers

As I mentioned earlier, there are lifers at Hell-Mart. These are the people that will never leave, they will work at Hell-Mart for their entire life. They are usually old ladies with a grade 10 education. They get paid to walk around the store and gossip to one another for 8 hours a day, and occasionally smile at a customer. The other group of employees are the part timers. We are the high school and university students who get paid half as much as the lifers even though we do five times more work [of course, five times nothing is still nothing, but that`s not the point...we still get paid less]. My boss actually once told me, You don`t need to go back to school, you can just work here full time for another year or two before you go back.

No, no I can`t. First of all, I`m already a full year into my program and I`m not taking a year off when I`m not even halfway done, and second...I refuse to become a lifer.

So yeah, lifers and part timers, explained and talked about for future reference.

Now, the part that I promised last time. ITEMS YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER BUY FROM HELL-MART.

Most of the never-buys come from the pharmacy, so that is were I will start.

1. Blue ticketed (discounted) condoms. Are you really that stupid? There are only two reasons that condoms ever get blue ticketed, they are expired or they are the extra large size. No, you CANNOT fit the extra large ones, despite what your girlfriend says [and she only says that because she is your girlfriend and it is her job to tell you it is huge].

2. Female urinals: Seriously, why the hell would you want one [besides the obviously novelty value]? It`s basically a plastic bottle with a built in funnel that a woman crouches over top of to pee into when she is unable to go anywhere else. If she is camping, and is the situation that she is forced to crouch and not use the outhouse, why would she need this device? Why not just piss on the ground like guys do?

3. The male urinal: Again, it`s just a glorified bottle. It`s not worth the cost. If you don`t want to pee on the ground when you go camping, then wait until you`ve finished the bottle of beer that is giving you the desire to pee and then pee in that!

4. Anything on the discount cart: Think about it. If drugs are priced to clear, are they really the kind of drugs you want? Whether for medical purposes, or otherwise, something priced to clear simply isn`t going to do what it`s supposed to do.

From the grocery section:

1. Bread: This isn`t funny, but it is kind of gross. The REAL grocery store replaces the old bread with fresh bread every day, we don`t do that. Because we don`t sell a lot of food [since there is a grocery store just down the mall] we only replace it once or twice a you really want to buy stale bread?

2. Anything marked to clear: If it`s not already expired, it will be by the time you get home.

3. Anything that is of the Hell-Mart brand: I swear to Allah it tastes like poison. Saving 49 cents is not worth the extra expenses you will have to pay to get your stomach pumped.

Finally, from the clothing section:

1. Those distressed look jeans: First of all, they are Hell-Mart brand and therefore they will disintegrate as soon as you try them on. Second, they are NOT distressed look/dirty look...they are ACTUALLY dirty. They were returned by some construction worker who claimed they were like that when he bought them and then one of my fellow janitors put them back on the shelf because they were to lazy to walk to the back of the store and throw them out.

So, that`s it for this time everyone. Hopefully, I`ll be back with Episode 3 in a few days. For now, make note of this returned item that I forgot to mention last time: an iron that actually ADDED wrinkles to your clothes!