Gw Temp


Article - 'Confessions of a Hellmart employee - Episode 3' by kermit the toad

An item about Miscellanious posted on Aug 8, 2003


Kermit enriches us into the wonder that is his career once more!


I haven`t been working all the much lately due to midterms and such at school, but I worked last night and it was gold. One six and a half hour shift and I got a whole article out of it!

First off, I got sugar drunk because we were `accidentally` ripping bags of Halloween candy open so that we could write it off as damaged goods and indulge ourselves in the sugary goodness. This sugar high probably contributed to my enjoyment of the stakeout I was a part of.

Stakeout, you ask? Yes, I was on a stakeout. Being one of the few male associates [well, we have a lot of males now, but I used to be one of three] I am often required to help the in-store security officer follow suspected shoplifters in case he needs back up. Well, this happened on this latest shift.

I am walking along, putting returns away, when the security guy [who doesn`t wear a uniform, he is Hell-Mart security, not mall security] grabs me and says, Follow me.

I follow and he points out two guys and instructs me to follow them. We follow these guys until they are out of the store at which point our security guy, two mall security guys already waiting outside, and one of the male managers all pounce on them and arrest them. Oh yeah, baby!

So, what did they steal? A single bottle of Hell-Mart brand mouthwash. Didn`t you guys learn anything from Episode 2? If Hell-Mart brand isn`t worth paying money for, is it really worth stealing? Any way, from the look of them they were going to go and get drunk on the mouthwash. I have this too say, normally, if you are drinking mouthwash to get drunk it is because you can`t afford real alcohol. If you are so poor that you can`t even afford mouthwash, why not at least try and steal the real thing? If you`re going to steal, steal something of quality!

Any way, we took them down and it was great. I enjoy stakeouts and takedowns. Shoplifters piss me off. When I first started working, I didn`t care when we got lifted from. I said to myself, It`s not my money, why do I care? Then I realized, it affects my pay. If the store loses money I can`t get a raise. This made me realize that, in a way, it IS my money. Now I get pissed by shoplifters, they are stealing from and me and they think I`m stupid enough not to catch them. So, I take them down with a certain ferocity. If I`m going to do this job and make slightly less than a wage-slave and still not resort to theft, then no one better steal from me! This means you Kazeuri! Next time you try to steal some towels, watch out for bored, disgruntled employees. We are overpaid and underworked and even if we didn`t care about all that stuff about you stealing our raises, pretending we are cops and security guards is WAY more fun than our real job.

Alright, now that I`m done with my rant, I have to whine. Tonight is Halloween and I`m working. Halloween is the most boring work night of the year. There is no one in the store after 5 o`clock and I am working until 9 o`clock! It`s going to suck so much. I might actually have to clean! Any way, you`ve probably come to expect something funny from these articles, so here it goes.

Hell-Mart, the Dust Bunnies' Haven

Hell-Mart is a dusty store. No one ever dusts the shelves and so we all breath in dust and get a cough worse than an aesthamic chain-smoker in a house fire. No one complains because we don`t want to be the guy that ends up dusting the entire store. I always thought that the dust was unhealthy, but noting that would hurt me in the long run. I still think that, but I now find it very gross. Ever since the day that I had to fold up a bunch of rugs that people threw on the ground and put them back on the shelves. I folded up all these rugs, put them back on the shelf, then I realized that my arms were itchy from the elbows down! That was sick. I hate rugs now. I will only have hardwood floors and lino in my house when I move out of my parents basement [you know, when I`m 35].

Back to Halloween. Here is my plan. I will do what I did last year. Last year, all the floor staff gathered in the electronics department and we had a Mario Kart tournament on the Game Boy Advanced on display there. When the boss walked up to us all we got worried. He looked at us long and hard, and maybe angrily then said, This must be the entire floor staff. Then he walked away and we continued playing. Same plan for this year, along with a bit of Ride-the-kid-sized-bikes-around-the-store. Maybe Halloween is fun after all. Any way, happy Halloween everyone, it`s time for me to go to work!