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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #009' by Kazeuri

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

Oh man! The #009 is finally here! I am so 1337! Wait, i mean I'm so 009!

Body

Time for the newest most new mailbag! I have returned from Halloween fun to create a pretty cool mailbag! After all the pumpkins, KitKats, and zombies, you'd figure i'd come up with a good punch line for this joke. You can laugh anyway.

Here are some of the things I can tell you to stay safe every day, and especially on Halloween! There are some monsters to look out for! Here is some information about them:


PUMPKIN MAN

LIVES: This creature lives in the mountains by a bush, as the picture shows.
EATS: He eats other pumpkins, mostly. If you are like a fat kid, or dressed as a pumpkin, you should watch out!
WEAKNESS: If you happen to go to the mountains, or a store that looks like a mountains, you might see a PUMPKIN MAN! What should you do? His weakness lies in his huge orange head. Hit it with a coke bottle, or a rock, maybe even just punch it. He will begin to cry because he is a school boy sissy.



DRACULOR

LIVES: He lives at Walmart. Also, one time I saw a Draculor in a game called Castlevanian. He is pretty easy to identify because he likes to put blood on his teeth.
EATS: He usually just bites people and makes a huge mess! Sometimes he might bite a watermelon, or a tomato to make it look like blood. He is a very messy eater.
WEAKNESS: The Draculor, as I learned from Castlevanian, is weakness to WHIPS. Just whip him in the leg with a tree branch, or maybe like a spaghetti noodle. He will turn into smoke and mirrors.


WOLF OLD LADY!!!!

LIVES: She lives at the golf course, and nursing home. I drew a tree, because when you get old, you move into the forest. When I was a little kid, my Grandma lived in the forest and smells like bug spray.
EATS: I have no idea what this lady eats. She doesn't eat bugs, because she smells so much like bug spray. My guess is that she eats apple sauce, and little kids.
WEAKNESS: I had to test this theory. I went to the park, and saw an old lady walking. She seemed pretty old, and a lady, I put 2 and 2 together to leave the fact: SHE WAS A WOLF OLD LADY! I grabbed a stick from the side walk, and hit her with it until she fell down. She told me all of her secrets to defeating her: "OW MY HIP!", which means to dress like a HIP HOP RAPPER and scare her, "MY BACK, MY BACK!", which means it is best to hit her from BEHIND, "I NEED MY INSULIN!", I have no idea what this is. My friend said it is sugar you take when you are Diabetesrhetic. I hit him in the face though. I think Insulin comes in doughnuts, or coffe. Wait outisde a doughnuts or coffe shop, and kill as many WOLF OLD LADY as you can! THEY ARE A DANGER!


CHINANESE NOODLE MAN

LIVES: He mostly lives in ASIA or JAPAN. Sometimes, he floats over here on a future car of technology, and works at a Chinese resturaunt, or as a computer guy.
EATS: The Chinanese eat a lot. If they are Cambodian, they might even eat your pet. Chinanese will try to bite stuff, like your face! They also get really mad if you don't speak their language, which is clled "Ting, Ping, Pang".
WEAKNESS: A Chinanese man has the weakness that he is pretty short. He can only bite you in the knee. He makes up for it because he knows Karate, Kung-Fu, he also knows a lot of other stuff too! He has knife swords, swords, sword knifes, and chop sticks. I think he is undefeatable. Just run away, or get to high ground, bub, those guy is hard to kill!


JESURUS

LIVES: Jesurus lives in a church on Sundays. On Halloween, he eats hot wings and chips. On the week days, he lives on a hippy van and follows such sensations as "PHISH, GRATEFUL DEAD, PINK FLOYD" and other hippie musics.
EATS: Like I said, he eats hot wings. If you like hot wings, you hate Jesurus. He also eats Pizza, Cheese, Vegetables, Meat, and DIRT. If you like any of those foods, you hate Jesurus! He tries to eat it all, what a greedy bastard!
WEAKNESS: To quote my "Main Homie" Faust, Jesurus is like Superman. Instead of Kryptonite, he is allergic to Vampires and Garlic food. Oh wait, that isn't how it goes. It was for Vampires: Vampires are allergic to Garlic Food and Jesurus. ANYWAY, I don't remember how it goes, but Jesurus generally doesn't like anything but peace and hippy stuff. If you break his guitar, he will run away, but he wont call the police. One time I hit Jesurus in the head with my bike, and he called the police, but then the police searched his van and found out it was made of Marijuana. He went to jail! Stupid Jesurus!

(Now, to end this, I hope I didn't offend anyone. If you can't take a joke, e-mail KAZEURI@MAIL.COM with your crap complaint. Did I mention I don't check my e-mail?)

JoJoFace types to us(well, ME): There's a lot of errors on the site.

A: What do you want? CNN.com?! This site was made mostly just by Bartek Gniado. Bartek Gniado is always busy, and sometimes just pastes code from porn sites into GW and sees if it works. Captain Obvious just pointed out to me that half of the site doesn't work. Sometiems the errors are big and ugly, then Bart tries to fix them. If it is something stupid like, "I CAN'T LOG IN, ALL I SEE IS GOATSE", do yo ureally think we have time to fix it?

donmiguel writes in on a keyboard: MAILBAG!!! Mailbags are so cool, but is this writing enough to become a SPIFFY cat guy?Why do you steal towels from K mart and other stores? WHy is Don Miguel named Don Miguel? Why do we exist? Why does anyone exist? Who invented Halloween? WHy am I asking YOU all these questions? WHy is your name Kazeuri? Why is Bart a lego man? Is Bart an EVIL lego man? Why is his avatar so wierd? It scraes me...(not)! Why do we have to go to school? Why are there mailbags? Why am I typing so much, even though you won't feature this in the next mailbag? Why am I stopping? I don't know. Can you answer all these? I think not. Why do I think Not? I don't know. Why do people not know stuff? Is Kenny Pan stupid? Who is Kenny Pan? I don't know who Kenny Pan is...Why am I asking you? (and other useless spam related stuff that I am typing in the mailbags)

A: Let's sum this up into one EASY TO READ response...

I AM ILLITERATE




I WIll TRansLATE IT RM2k3 will try and make me translate this: MAZ INGLIsh iz Sery Good , ands i'a well tranlate it for you at the meeer 100.00 Each person thet iz. Just malll it to ma.

A: Can someone cut this guy's ball bag off? I really do not think he/she/it needs children. Ever. Finally, someone who is worse at spelling and typing than Don Miguel (The real one). Spiff master Spizzify.


Xeno-soft axes me: If the sun shines yellow why is the sky blue?

A: The sky is blue because your brain is blue. Your brain is blue because it gets no oxygen. Anyway, I could care less. So much crap doesn't make sense. Ask a teacher, or the president, or a guy on the road, not me! Here is what I know about the sky and the sun: Sky == High, Sun == Hot. Florida = Made of Sky and Sun.

LunC actually has this important to say: "The Way" has changed servers. Because Episode1 is in your games section, I figured I should let you know. The address to download the game from is now....
http://24.96.3.236:1337/The%20Way/way1.zip
Anyway, I'm not sure if this is the right place to send this request, but after looking over your staff page, I didn't have any better ideas of who to send this too.
Lun


A: Since there is a lot of unusual buzz about this game, have fun and read what he said. I'm sure any other staffers reading my high quality mail bag will notice this and make the right changes. I will probably even play your game now. Enjoy the free publicity. By the way, I didn't check the link. For all I know, it is a zip of Goatse. Download at your own risk, readers!

Golin_KNar is typing this in every day:Hopefully this is where you post messages to Kaze's mailbag... Anyways, if it is, here is my questions:
1. Do you ever steal towels from other discount stores like wal-mart or target, or do you only steal from k-mart?
2. Why can't I make a game in gamemaker, but I can make a game in c++?
3. Why has bart's avitar turned eval?
4. Why dosn't 1+1=3?
Umm, thats about it, hopefully this is in the right spot...


A: Welcome to Kaze's mail bag!!I will answer some of these questions:
1. K-Mart is just closer. This seems to be a popular question. Draw your own conclusions.
2. Gamemaker is hard to use. Only C++ and RPGDS are easy .RPGS is so great! 1 button for 3D, 1 button for Final Fantasy 15 quality. It's so easy! Not to mention, RPGDS is fake and never coming out.
3. His "Avatar" has turned evil because you can't spell Avatar. Actually, on a more serious and relevant note, there were originally 3 made. One of his with his Gorilla, one of him angry, and one of him having sex with Foget. THE END.
4. It equals 2. Did you think that was funny? I didn't. 1+3+3=7, and it does.


Lucavious uses his fat teeth to press these keys: You guys PLEASE TAKE DOWN your RM2K Installs and resources! ASCII will not released RM2003 if you guys don't stop this crap with RM2K. yes it's a great program, but if you wanna kick open doors to better programs like RM2003, you have to make sacrifices!

A: Hahah! No one told you? It isn't because Rm2K was released like that. They just don't think it has a market. Us taking down RM2K and our resources wont do anything. In the end, we will have to translate it, JUST LIKE LAST TIME. Are you really THAT much of a moron? They are / did create the nww maker already, but not in English. The original Rm95 and RM2k were never translated. Why would they translate the new maker? If they do, GREAT, I'll buy it, if not, we will do what we always have. Common sense. Even if we take it down, in such a rare case we had no brains, other sites would just put it up again.

Lenny took some time out of work sick to type this: How do I know what or what not to type in for the mailbag? ..........

A: Well, when I generally make fun of people, they typed in a shit question. I got so tired of explaining to people how to write in a mail bag (really, people are THAT stupid), that I pretty much just gave up. People are mostly morons. In a future mailbag, i'll thank some people who actually DID write in decent mails. It's so rare.


Jesus says: Why is it that on IRC no one believes I'm the real Jesus? It's true, you know it's true, so why does no one else? They all assume I'm blasphemous so NO MIRACLES FOR THEM ;_;! Love Faust, I mean Jesus!

A: JESURUS!!!! RUN!!! I need to go get some Garlic Vampire, or something like my mailbag said! NO NO!!! STOP PLAYING PHISH!!! YOUR KILLING ME!!!! Oh man, this Jesurus hippy is so scary. I couldn't even read his question.


kermit the toad became a REAL FROG BOY when he said: I was hoping to become a towel stealing ninja but there are no K-Mart`s in Canada. Does it have to be K-Mart, or could I rob a Wal-Mart, or even a Canadian retailer like Zellers or The Bay? Please, master sensi, let me know so that I too maybe a great towel ninja like yourself.

A: OOOO CANANADANADANADANADA, my damn record ahs a scratch in it. Anyway, K-Mart doesn't exist in Canada? Sucks for you! Whatever is closest. Just make sur ethat the towels are ifnact towels, and are blue. If the store is red, it makes all the better sense to steal from it. Zellers is in USA too, but only up North. Can't we all just have a Wal-Mart, McDonald's, Eckerds, and Waffle House on every corner? Don't forget the Starbucks!

To wrap up one of my favorite mail bags ever (even though it came late), I would like to say this, it's really important:

*walks away*

The real important thing to say is that I never spell checked, or previewed this mailbag. If anything is messed up major, I'll fix it, otherwise, I'll deal with the typos! Happy hunting!

I'm out like THE WRAITH on Nov. 5th!