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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #011' by Kazeuri

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

The wheels on the mailbag go... wait a second, where are my rims? This mailbag sucks! Put a Hemmy in it! Oh wait, I forgot, it is a 4 banger Honda Civic with a spoiler and racing stripes... pure speed.

Body

Okay! It’s time for another mailbag, Faust STEAL it last week. Don’t worry; I smacked him good with a BACKHAND! Let’s see what kind of funny story type thing I can do this week…



Let’s make a guide for all the Rm2K users! This guide will teach newbies, and veterans, how to make WINNING RM2K GAMES! That’s right, no longer will your game suck, it will be totally cool and magic flying boobies will come out of your computer. Loser.



I know you are quick to shrivel up in joy over anything involving Rm2K, especially guides. That is why I am writing all this non-sense here, so you must read it and not get to the guide yet. I do so enjoy torturing you.



After being at Gaming World something like a long time, longer than Grandma has worn diapers, I discovered many SECRETS to Rm2K. These secrets make the games work well and make them TOP GAMES! There are 5 essentials, here they go:



TITLE: That is right you little dirt merchants; you need a title to try and sell your game. It must accurately reflect what is in the game, or completely make no sense and be some Japanese word that only Japanese whore Americans know, and the Japanese don’t even speak Japanese any more because they are 50 years ahead of us. A good way to make sure your game is good is to use another game’s title and add something good to the end, here is a good Rm2K title screen:







That is a good title for sure. If you want you can add randomly cropped images from Crono Trigger, or even other good games like Tekken 3. This title is also a sure winner because of all the good colors I picked.



HERO: What would the demo game be without ALEX?! Well, regardless of what your hero is supposed to look like, or how cliché it is, you need to use the Alex character set. If your hero has different looks, just edit it. I took the pleasure of doing one for you guys.







I gave him yellow hair to make him look like Cloud, and a cool sword. This way he looks pretty real. Alex is the best character set, you should use it for all the characters. Change his hair to long if it is a girl and give him address. Also there are only like 3 black people, so if you want a black person, you have to color Alex black.



Face Set: This is easy. Just pick a random face because face sets don’t matter. Make sure that all of the faces face to the left no matter what. If the character is sad, turn the face set upside down. Easy as that buddy! With the face set, you can make sure that the player always knows who is yelling in all caps.



Good Story: Copy a Final Fantasy story. Add a new ending, or just continue it. Here is a good example of a Final Fantasy fan fiction you can do for your game:



Goku is waked up inside of the Materia chamber because he has to fight Cloud. Barret starts shooting bullets and Cloud sues Omni-Slash. Goku powers up to SSJ 9 and fights back but he is weak because Cloud is using Omni-Slash. Suddenly the planet explodes. THE END.



I wrote that one myself, you can use it if you want, just give me credit. cross-overs are good, I used Dragon Ball Z, and Final Fantasy 7. That is a good way to make the best story.



Company: Everyone knows that you are the only person working on your game, and that teams never make Rm2K games. That is why you have to pretend that you have a company with a name that ends in soft. Gokusoft, Gamessoft, Foreversoft, Funsoft, just pick a good name because you need a company. When you talk about your progress say “we”, and when you plan a demo, plan it a year ahead +2 months and say “WE ARE ESTIMATES THE RELEASE OF OUR DEMO PRODUCT BY DATE”. That makes you sound complicated and mature.



If you somehow manage to get one of your loser friends sucked into your vortex of a crappy game that will never get made, make sure to assign them to some bullshit position like “Concept management drawer”. That way we all know that they are doing some really important and complicated work, like looking at nude celebrity porn.



I invented a little company a second ago and made this logo:





A winner for sure!



Demo Games: Endlessly promise demos like someone cares about your game. In reality you can pretend it has fans like you pretend you are a company, so keep promising .002 version by December, and .020 by whatever, I don’t even know math, so I don’t care. As soon as you add a new map and a treasure chest without a switch, post it as an UPDATED DEMO VERSION. Then spam Gaming World forums with the demo URL for download and flame anyone who says that your Angelfire account doesn’t work anymore.



Sequels: Since you are the best Rm2K programmer ever, skip right past the first and second installments of your game. Start out with Fantasy Crono final Diamond Tree Legs 3: Secret of Crystal Moon War. That way you don’t have to introduce characters or have any plot, and can make references to a bunch of shit that doesn’t even exist. This makes sure that when a demo comes out, you sound like you have done something before (Even though there are less than 10 completed Rm2K games in the history of the universe).





That is it for how to make your game the best. If you want a sure grant success, just follow my guide and you can rest safe tonight because your game is already a winner. Some of you might be saying “HAHA VERY FUNE U TEL US WAT 2 DO BUT WAREZ UR GAME MISTR?????!!!11 HOLD ON MOM IM TALKING TO MY GIRLFREND IN SINGAPORE OH SHIT WRONG WINDOW />>.?/ ARGHHGH!!!GH1hgh “ or something similar to that. The answer is simple: Your girlfriend in Singapore is really Faust in the UK, and Chrono Fantasy Shards Demo Beta Alpha Omega Release #4.02 will be released by BLACKSUNSOFT sometime in Dec. 2003, or at least that is what our team estimates on this important project. Also be sure to check out our other 5 games that don’t even exist yet because we have Attention Deficit Disorder and randomly spew shitty game title screens around and pretend there is content behind it.



Enough of the Rm2K loser bashing! It’s time for that good old mail bag of fun! Again, I changed around the format just to piss you off even more:



Lithium writes in the snow with “yellow marker”:

Kaze: What makes me so sexy?

Answer: That’s easy! It’s obviously the urine stench and the feces clothing. That and the association with the great Kazeuri. Keep it up and one day you can get a lot of chicks. Just multiply the amount of girls Bart has slept with (0) by 75 (0x75) and you will have… well, you will have 0. That isn’t important though.



Me states:

Hot dogs are good, but pizza is better...

Answer: You obviously like hotdogs for a homoerotic reason. I think the entire world agrees that pizza is good, unless you are a Communist Android Space Clone from united Chine and Russia. AHHH RUN!





stupid systemus asks:

how do you send in articles... i always thought its just staffers that can do it....

Answer: Nope, just use the submit feature, tell us on IRC (but not Bart, he is busy, stop bugging him with useless shit), or send an e-mail our way with what you want. If it isn’t an absolute crap bakery that makes crap cake rolls, then it might be added if we are not lazy.



goldenhelm needs to say:

Well, i suppose this is going to be show on a mailbag or another, so let's go for the question (a stupid one for sure):

Why on the 999 hells of Big Devil Leo ya can't get a japanese master ninja to translate the damn rpg2k3 into english? I don't think that taking out the setups of maker2k will help, for they really don't seem to care. For Ramon's (Mr. Madruga in other contries) hat, do something to the desperate maker community!

PS: How can I send a mesasge to the mailbag huh? Do ya have a tutorial about "how to steal multi-colored towels from international stores worldwide"?



Answer: I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I think that this is a Spanish commercial because I can’t understand it. I have taken the liberty of responding with an image:





rebekahwsd types:

This would seem to be the mailbag. What should I say? How about, haha, I'm 16, and in 3 months I'll be driving? Eh, that's ok, just not good enough. I know! When I've finished writing my book, I will publish it, and make sure that each and everyone one of you is in it (well, the staff) and I'll make sure to put that in the intro. That does look nice typed finally. I will rule the world with the book! Bwhahaha!



Answer: I love to give you nightmares. One time I went to McDonalds and some fat guy had slipped in urine and was on his backing the bathroom. I ignored it, went on my way, urinated into the over-flowing toilet, and left. I think he might have been dead. I’m so mature because I didn’t say piss. Urine is the word of smart guys who say stuff like “Man I have the flatulence and my urine stain on my turtle neck sweater is obese and I have diabetes.” I hate that. Stop being smart and use the real words! Oh yaa, you wrote something. I forget what it said, so try again next time. Here is what must be going through your mind because you are female and I am a perverted sexy man beat name is Kazeuri:



RPGoddess asks:

I love you~!



Answer: I love me too. Actually, I also love you. Let’s make hot sweet love so that we can spawn RPGoddess-Kazeuri-lings. They would have ninja masks and big breasts, Sounds cool. We could also be a super family, but then NO NO NO. You had to go get married to someone else. Good thing he isn’t quite as sexy, rich, cool, or sexy as me, otherwise I would feel jealous. Love is good. Draw more hentai.



couchfiend pretends:

Oh my god!! THERE ARE DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE!!! AHH!!! CLEAN THEM UP! CLEAN IT UP KAZAURI!!! Well.. Go on... isn't this the request form for janitorial services? I thought so, now clean!!!



Answer: Mailbag / Senior Editor as I am commonly called is certainly not Janitor! Faust is our Janitor because he is very girlish in appearance. He also makes us coffee and delicious baked goods. We love Faust.



donmiguel says:

Why is Alex the RTP character so hated? I think Alex is COOL! Because he's the coolest lookin character in the RTP! Cool, and spiffy.



Answer: I feel another image is being called upon.



RaptoWolf needs career help:

Its the Cinnabon man again, I took your advice, and decided not too follow it, cause my supervisors are rather repulsive, stagnant, putrid, haggily, and any other disgusting anti-sexual word you can think of. But now I have a new problem, I got this new supervisor whos the devil i think, cause whenever shes around me, something screws up. Like I'll walk past her while taking out the trash and the trash will magically fall over and spill all over the place... luckily not in the public =), also more proof that she is the devil is that she dressed up as a cat for halloween, and she looked so evil its hard to describe into words, anyways.. my question is this, How can you tell if she is the devil or not? and If she is the devil, what should I do? (Better not say hit on her....o_O)



Answer: I remember the other time you wrote, like in the first mailbag. Congrats. Anyway, here is what to do. If she is a Devil, it is easy to tell, go look into her eyes, and if you see any colors and stuff like blue, or brown, or green, then obviously it is the devil. I learned this at Devil hunting school. If she is infact the devil, go have sex with her multiple times until an abortion must take place because a Devil can only have children on Thanksgiving because, well, I don’t know why. If you see nothing in her eyes, like they are only black, it is really a communist android thing that I don’t feel like typing it’s name again. At this point it is time to start having sex with it.



Kazeuri isn’t me and tries to make a fake mailbag question as me pretending to be me from the future:

This is you from the future. Hello! You want to give Faust all your wordly possessions; he is your best friend. You like him and want to make him a cheese sandwich EVERY DAY. A nice one. In the future people throw ducks at balloons and nothing is as it seems!!



Answer: LIES! If I was me from the future, I would be telling myself how cool I am in the future and how many chicks I am sexing up. That is why this is OBVIOUSLY FAKE. Also, you can have my “wordly” possessions, just watch out because they still have grammar taxes.





This mailbag is about to end, so it is time to end it. There are a slight lack of e-mails, but it is because of SECRET PLANNING. Keep sending them and don’t comment on my lack of work, or else Bart might find out, start yelling at mes, and discover mine secret project. It’s off to bed with you kids!





I’m out like the lights when Y2K comes.