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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #012' by Kazeuri

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

Puyo Pop fun, tons of Chicken, and ofcourse, K-Mart-O-Cola! Longest mail-bag ever.

Body

The mailbag just keeps coming, AGAIN AND AGAIN! A lot of people might say "Well, it's getting old, doing the same damn thing every day, you loser". It's not. That is why this issue has once again changed.

What has changed? I'm about to announce a lot of promises I wont keep, so keep paying attention. It's longer, better, more comedic, and of course, SUPER SEXY. This issue will include 3 comedic slices of Kaze pie, which is not the same as a cow pie, and as many letters as I can squeeze in.

Go grab yourself a nice cold glass of whatever the natives drink where you live, probably the blood of a street rat, and then a diaper just incase you can't hold it any more during this extra long mailbag. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!

I think nearly 500 people in this community have tried to create some sort of card game. They never get anywhere, the card game is never playable, and the cards are very incorrect representations of our community members. To fill this void, I made a card game from certain members by how they post, where they post, how many posts they have, and of course, how cool they are. This is also an incorrect representation, and I never got permission from any of these people. If they are upset and want to sue me because I made them depressed and hungry, then they went to McDonalds and got all fatty, they can send an e=mail over to: NO ONE GIVES A SWIMMING RATS ASS

These cards use forum stats to give you numbers. Then I make up a cool name, a shitty move, and some other non-sense. They are done in the fucked up "LOOK I JUST DOWNLOADED PAINT SHOP PRO 7" style. I only made 4, more could come later.


That is Bartek. He is a dangerous card because of his abnormal Posts Per Day.

DP is pretty much a crappy card. Trade him for a better card with your little brother.

Faust is a great card due to his horribly incorrect % of total forum posts.

Because I made my card morbidly better than the rest, despite my crappy stats, the Kazeuri card wins more often against good cards, and actually loses to crappy cards.

Wasn't that just a BUCKET OF FUN?! Now let's have more fun and answer a few letters that were directed in hate towards me:

KOOKie Boy writes: I like COokies because they taste good , And umm I think GW Should Donate me some kookies. Because It would Be the Nice thing to do. I have no hands or legs, at this rate At's talknig a while to type this. mym om feeds me.
kaokies please.

A:
This is going to be a LONG DAY. This e-mail is just crap. I have never read such crap before. Maybe if you pretended to be COOKIE MONSTER from Sesame Street, then I would have laughed a slight bit. However, you sent me this shit e-mail. GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND THEN YOU DIEE!!! Ok, I think that cleared up the amount of rage I had towards this e-mail.

T.U.G.A. needs a therapist: Take my Game Maker game off your mother fucking website!
A:
This is a great place to send such a comment! This way I can ridicule you, and Bart will probably never see your desperate attempt to remove your game. This would be a lot easier if you made some kind of typo, or couldn't spell, or something like that. Anyway, to conclude this, the Mail Bag isn't really a good place to direct letters like this. Oh ya, and this guy says our website fucked your mother. Probably fucked his mother too. You could have an illegitimate Gaming World / Human half-ling BROTHER OR SISTER.

AgentX You're so stupid you got lost in Food Mart and starved to death! You're so stupid you got locked in your car and broke the window to get out! Your so stupid when you walk down the streets people go "GOD LOOK AT THAT STUPID DUMB AZZ!" A little joke war between me and my bro. Heheheh.
A:
Good job. Cookie is you. One time me and my HOME BOYZ was chillin' at the K-Mart. We seen you and your brother walk up wide-eyed to the K-Mart-O-Cola machine, and start pumping in quarters like mad and buying up drinks. We walked over and I asked you "Hey, what the hell are you doing?". By this time, there was K-Mart-O-Cola all over the ground and you guys were just slapping in more quarters. Your little brother hit me in the leg and said "Shut up, can't you see we are winning?!". Ya. That's a little joke there.

psi asks: What does NES stand for? And SNES? And what does RM2K stand for? And USA? And UK? Wow, I wish I knew what ALL abbreviations meant! Where can I find out? And why do Bart and Faust run around screaming "OF NUDE IS ME!" with their clothes off all the time?
A:
As everyone but obviously you knows, they run around without clothes because I stole them. Right off of their backs. I'm just that damn good. As for your abbreviations, I came up with a quick little fix: http://www.acronymfinder.com/ I hope you enjoy my RARE serious reply.

RyanM-- axes: HELLO. =)
A:
Well well well, the person I hate most. Thank YOU for writing into the mail bag so I can post this real-life picture of you:



That seems like enough mail before my second burst of funny things. Yep. I could do a list, funny images, a story... that's it, a great story.

No no, not a story. It just turns into mindless dribble. Ok, I got it now. It's time for all the new movies that i heard about / watched to get some views.

The Friday After Next: I know most of you GW goers are very white and never go to see anything remotely black in humor. For this reason, whitey, you probably wont like this movie. If you are, hwoever, into the comedy stylings of myself, the first Friday, and Next Friday, you will like this movie a lot. The comedy is there, and they actually have a bit of a story. In this recent installment, you "honkey", they have a pretty good story that I probably could have come up with since I am such a genious. The gist is that there is an evil ghetto Santa who breaks into the houses, steals shit, and gets away. Ice Cube (Craig), and the same co-star as the last movie (Too bad, I miss Smokey) get jobs as security guards and are confronted with putting a stop to this new-age Grinch. If you got the cash to spare, or the time to download, watch this movie.

James Bond: Die Another Day: I, personally, do not think this movie will be as good as the old Bonds. It will have the special effects, the girls, all the fancy little technology things, but I do not know if the story can uphold the tensions created around it. James Bond has been around for 40 years, with 20 movies. They have made a movie roughly every 2 years. I think the time has come for Bond to go find a damn coffin and stay there. Also, Sean Connery is the only real Bond. You can go see this movie, I might, but only because of the BOND LEGACY, not because I hear the new one is good.

They: I don't know when this shit is coming out. It is by Wes Craven I think, so of course it will be totally bad ass. I am a horror-movie fan right down to my zombie bones, so this is something I am looking forward to. The commercial looks pretty sweet, and I'm sure the story is good, so I wanna go see it. We need something to show all those new-age THE RING fans what HORROR is really about. Just for all of you lamers: THE RING IS NOT A SCARY MOVIE. Not in any way. I'm only 15, but I know the luxuries of classic Horror. REAL HORROR. Go watch some real horror and stop pissing your pants to crappy movies like THE RING. Instead, go spend money on THEY because it will be scary and maybe you will stop being such a pussy. Congrats Wes Craven.

Harry Potter 2: The Chamber Of Secrets: Screw you. This movie is good. So was the last Harry Potter. Possibly it takes some maturity to sit down, watch a little kids movie, and actually like it. These movies have good story, some good monsters, and generally a really good plot. The entire Harry potter unvierse / world is amazing. The books are undoubtedly better, but the movies are still awesome. These movies make money for a good reason, they are good. Plus, suddenly it just came to my mind. The funniest thing ever is in the first movie where Harry Potter gets the cake in the cabin and it ahs writen on it in crappy English "HAPEE BIRTH DAE HARRY". Man, that is the best. Go invest money in this second movie, especially if you are a fan. If you haven't experienced Harry Potter eyt because you are afraid of looking like a little baby (face it, you are a little baby any way), then go rent the first one, wtach it, and go to the theater with your little brother or cousin or something to watch the second one.

8 Mile: This is a a crappy movie for Feminem fans to try and create some false image that feminem is some kind of thug. Word up, he isn't. His music is crap. His lyrics are about as deep as the water in my eye. That, and he is a media whore. His slim anus is now a blown-out anus because of how much media attention he gets. Here is a bit of advice, horror-core rap, and MUCH MORE controversial rap has been around since the late 80's, early 90's. Feminem just started to be a rapper in recent years. Insane Clown Posse (who he used to be a fan of, and follow on tour in Detroit) started Joker Cards in '92, and were rapping even before that in hard-core, and meaningful style. Thee Six Mafia's Dj Paul and Juicy J were around before that too, and Esham The Unholy, who was argueably the first ever Horro-core rapper (also hailing from Detroit) influenced ICP, Feminem, and tons of other artists. Esham is still around, but now he is on ICP's record label, not Feminem's. Wait a second, does Feminem even have a record label? NO! He sold out because he is a little bitch anus, and doesn't even have his own independant record label. He needs teenie-boppers and little girls to make him popular. The Radio and MTV are like his pimps.

Sorry to drag Feminem so long, I just really hate him and the image he tries to create around himself (he was raised in some pretty rich parts of Detroit, nowhere NEAR 8 Mile). Have fun if you like it and are trapped in some kind of illusion that he is good as a musician.

The Santa Clause 2: If Disney makes any more shitty movies, I'm going to not have kids. Why? So they do not have to deal with movies such as "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 5: SECRET OF SUPER MEGA CASTLE ADVENTURE PLEASE SEND US MONEY BECAUSE WE LIVE IN OUR CARS". They are trying too hard these days.

Ok, back to the letters and enough movie bashing!

theblakeman writes: Why is chewing on tin foil bad?
A:
Because it is. Don't do it, or suffer the wrath of Kaze. Actually, doesn't it mess with your teeth a lot> I personally like my teeth, so I don't do such things. I do chew plastic and such though. It helps clean a lot of plaque off your teeth that brushing misses, or is too weak to pick up.

donmiguel writes the first ever fan letter I think: Why are the mailbags so freakin' funny? I mean I can't stop laughing until some guy says donmiguel, stop laughing or something like that...see? I even type laughing things in the mailbag, like I am now...hahahahahahahahaha! See how funny that was? Now go comment on how alex the RTP character is so damn cool that I use him in all of my unfinished games that I will never finish. That was a long sentence, so I'll type some random things on the keyboard... qeguaghsfjkshbxcnmnfbhjefdsvhjwehrfjsddsfhdsjfbjdsgbjdsfbjkdgbjkdsg!
A:
I'm glad SOMEONE likes the mailbag. Have fun reading this little joke I will try and create that really is just a crappy joke: I was making a game in Rm2K. (Yaa, that's the joke).

Bart sends his WRATH: Put this in mailbag or you're fired!! >:]
A:
Now you guys see what I go through. "KAZE, TEST THIS POISON COOKIE OR YOU ARE FIRED.", "KAZE, GIVE ME MONEY OR YOU ARE FIRED.". They all end with a crazy Bart-Face that is like a bad ASCII face because he is too busy coding to get "in the know" and with the "hip new faces".

That concludes all the mails I am going to answer. I know it doesn't seem like a lot if you go back and count them, so don't.

Now let's review the most funny game ever. Of all time. This game is for GAME BOY ADVANCE and is called PUYO PUYO POP or something. Go get the download somewhere and play it, while you do, make sure you drink a WAREZ COLA. Roms = not warez. (I don't feel like explaining why, so just stfu and don't write mails about it)

Instead of going into gruesome detail about how horribly funny this game is, I will just post some screens:
















What a great reason to fight to the death! The other people you meet are even better. The game isn't that good, it's like a Tetris clone. If you play, PLAY FOR THE COMEDY BETWEEN GAMES!!! This game is so good. Ther eis a hermaphrodite, some weird ass singing girl, and oh man, it is the most fun game dialogue-wise ever. Horribly translated Japanese non-sense.

Download Puyo Pop (Not hosted on Gaming World, it is a GBA ROM) If Bart asks later, the link will be removed. I think the server hosting it is liable though, not Gaming World. Have fun.

I hope everyone enjoyed this mail-bag. I put some work into it to try and top last week's Rm2K fun.

I'm out like the Chriss Chross fad of the early 90's (These guys wore their clothes the wrong way around and made music. ROCK ON! Plus, they were really young, so take that Little Bow Wow and whatever other Little rappers are out there!!!)