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Article - 'Confessions of a Hell-Mart Employee - Episode 4' by kermit the toad

An item about Humour posted on Aug 9, 2003


What`s this, you ask? Hell-Mart number four? Really? It`s about time you pile of bile! Bah...any way, here we go


First, the usual Kazeuri rip-off where I tell some funny story before getting into the real article.


Who likes ethnic stereotypes? God knows I do, so here goes this edition`s story, a story that proves that bad Italian stereotypes are alive and well, and very, very real.

As you well know, if you`ve read whichever episode it was where I talked about doing returns, I like doing returns. So, there I was, with a cart full of returns, putting things back on the shelves when this short little Italian guy walks up to me, sort of waddling. Mario? Well, no, but add a moustache and a pair of red overalls and it might have been. So, he asks me if we have any of these tiny, bite-sized, sewing machines he`s seen advertised on TV. Well, it just so happens that I have one in my cart of returns so I show it to him. He asks me to open it to see if everything is in it and I do. We start pulling things out of the box well all of a sudden, like rabbits out of a hat, the little bobbies (spools of thread) start spilling out of a ripped bag they were kept in. Suddenly, and unexpectedly, the little man shouts MAMA MIA!! Yes, my friends, ethnic stereotypes are based in fact and I`m pretty sure that every Italian stereotype ever must have been based on this guy`s ancestors. Any way, it was funny and it probably translates horribly to this format, but that`s the story so you`d better laugh at it.

Now, on the main article part of the...umm...article.


If you remember last time, when I told you about the two rubbies who stole the bottle of mouthwash, then you will know that thieves, shoplifters, and other such lifters hit us up all the time at Hell-Mart. Located just a few scenic blocks from the ghetto on one side (gov`t`s literally ghetto) and a junior high school full of kids trying to prove how cool they are on the other side, we get robbed a lot. No hold ups or anything, mind you, but a lot of shoplifters. Here are their stories:

1. Down-on-his-luck Dentist: This first true story involves toothbrushes and lots of them. A shoplifter was walking out of the store with a big plastic tote box in his arms one day, when an employee decided to stop him and ask what he was doing. The man said he had already paid for it at tills at the other end of the store, but the employee nonetheless asked to see what was inside the tote since the guy seemed to be struggling a bit for what should have been a light, empty container. When he opened up the 40 litre box, it was full of toothbrushes, every single toothbrush in the store in fact. So, having not technically stolen anything yet the guy was, unfortunately, free to go and so he left. Guess who got the privilege of putting all 612 toothbrushes back on the shelves? Yep, yours truly.

2. Ever Heard of Security Cameras? Is the title of our next tale, about a man who tried to steal a $300 vacuum cleaner. A man came up to the service desk one day a few years ago, according to an anonymous source, with a vacuum cleaner in his hands. He says that he wants to return it. Now, about this time secret security man has come up to the desk and walks behind it. Since he is behind the desk and has no Hell-Mart uniform, the vacuum man turns to him and asks if he is the manager. Secret security man says, I think you should leave the vacuum here and leave. The man gets all pissy and says that he wants to return it and blah blah blah. Secret security man says he has proof that the guy is trying to steal and the guy is like, How? Well, we have these things called security cameras and I say you come through the main doors with nothing in your hands, go pick up the vacuum off the floor, and then bring it up to the service desk here at the mall doors. So, at this point secret security man detains the guy for attempted fraud or something and that was the end of that.

3. Pitiful Really: Stock boy #1 was walking past the mall doors one day when suddenly the alarm goes off. As soon as he set off the alarm this little 12 year old Asian kid that could hardly even speak English starts crying and saying, I sorry, I sorry! No do it again! I sorry!

Now, Stock boy #1 can hardly let this poor kid, who seems honestly sorry, leave. There are customers all around and other employees as well so he can`t just take back the item that the kid is trying to give him and let the kid go. He has to take the kid into the back and make him talk to the security guy and the manager. He felt really sorry for the kid when he heard Mr. Manager screaming at the top of his lungs at this poor kid for half-an-hour. Poor kid seems honestly sorry, is getting yelled at in a language he doesn`t seem to understand, and all for a Dragonball Z action figure. It was pitiful really.

4. Ninjas! That`s right, ninjas! Just the other day, last week in fact, Hell-Mart was robbed by a group of ninjas using t-shirts and red towels as face masks. They stole a bunch of red towels and said something about Kaster Mazeuri or something and ran off. All that I could think of was why they stole red instead of blue? I couldn`t figure it out except that maybe red is better than blue or something like that...I don`t know for sure though.

Any way, that`s all for this week kids, tune in next time for --Effects of Hell-Mart--, an episode in which I will be discussing many of the terrible things that effect Hell-Mart employees such as The Time Loss Effect, The Fifteen Minute Effect, and The Brain Dead Effect. For now, keep shopping and I`ll keep writing funny stories about the stupid things you do while I`m working.