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Article - 'Confessions of a Hell-Mart Employee - Episode 5' by kermit the toad

An item about Humour posted on Aug 9, 2003


Edition 5 of Kermit's article series about his job at HELLMART!! This one lists all the MAGICAL EFFECTS the store has on it's employees :o


Welcome to another edition of everyone’s favourite article, Confessions of a Hell-Mart Employee. This week, I’ll be telling you about the various “effects” caused by working at Hell-Mart, but first, the story of the week. This week’s story is a tale of caution. It’s all about work Christmas parties. Here is my warning: DON’T GO TO THEM! Why not? Because they are boring. That’s right, because they’re boring. I went to mine the other day and it was boring. The only reason it was fun at all is because my girlfriend accompanied me to the party (of course, she works with me so that’s not so shocking now is it?). We ate bad food and danced to bad music. The only good thing (besides dancing with my girlfriend, or as Alex put it once, “Clamfriend”) was that I won 250 dollars! Of course, it’s a gift certificate for Hell-Mart and its various satellite stores, but it’s still a lot of money. So, now me and my girlfriend have 250 dollars to spend (I promised to give her any door prizes I won and she graciously offered to spilt it half and half when I won the big one) at Hell-Mart, Slightly-More-Upscale-Hell-Mart, and Hell-Mart-Home. Yep, that’s the story. It’s a crappy one and if I asked my girlfriend to review this for me before posting like I did last time then you probably get a better story because she’d tell me it’s crap and I’d write and new one but she’s at work and I’m writing it and submitting it in one big amazing all at once thingy so instead of a quality story you get a shitty one capped off by a beast of a run-on sentence.

The Hell-Mart Effects

There are several “effects” caused by working at Hell-Mart. Most of them are horrible conditions that alter one’s perception of time, sometimes destroying it altogether. These effects are especially devastating to me since I already have a pretty bad perception of time. In my mind things that happened two weeks ago happened three years ago while something from 1992 actually hasn’t happen yet. So, add effects that further alter one’s perception of time and I’m pretty much screwed. One time, for example, I lay down in the Bedding Department for a quick nap and when I woke up it was one hundred years later and I had a long white beard. Ok, maybe that was Rip Van Winkle, but you get the point. Any way, here is a list of some many Hell-Mart Effects:

1. The Lost Time Effect: As I have described, Hell-Mart causes one to lose track of time. Sometimes, time speeds up and your shift seems to fly by in mere minutes even though it was eight hours long. Most of the time, however, time slows to a crawl and it takes a few days to finish what was supposed to be a quick four hour shift after school.

2. The Fifteen Minute Effect: Likely related to the Lost Time Effect, the Fifteen Minute Effect occurs during the last fifteen minutes of your shift. During these last few minutes, the space-time continuum collapses and all relation between space and time is lost. It now takes you less than a second to do that cart of returns you started to do, hoping that by the time you were finished your shift would be over. It takes you two seconds to walk the entire length of the store, which you decided to pace a few times under the guise of looking for customers to help, again, hoping that it would kill your shift. Of course, the Fifteen Minute Effect isn’t all that bad if you’ve ever experience the Half-Hour Effect or even worse, the Entire Shift Effect.

3. The Break Effect: This effect affects, obviously, one’s break periods. It is a shortening of time. Whenever you decide to take your break, time inevitably speeds up and prevents you from truly relaxing and enjoying those few minutes you are given to eat your lunch, drink your coffee, or smoke your cigarette. I recall one particular time when, having started my fifteen minute coffee break at 7:45 p.m. and having spent no more than fifteen minutes on break, I returned to the floor to find that the time was now 8:15 p.m. the next day and that I had been fired for taking a longer break than I was permitted. Of course, they rehired me because ever since I started publishing these articles no one in his right mind wants to work for Hell-Mart or its many clones.

4. The Early Morning Effect: This effect is actually somewhat beneficial. If you have an early shift, a shift that starts at 8:00 a.m. when the store opens, then the first four hours will fly by. Until noon you are still half asleep, having woken up at 6:30 in the morning to make sure you were ready and at work on time, and so those first four hours are a breeze. Sure, the afternoon might drag on, and on, and on, and on, but at least the morning went by quickly.

5. The Shopping Cart Effect: This effect is not time related. This one, as the title implies, is about shopping carts. Shopping carts, it seems, are social creatures. When they’re not hanging out with others of their ilk in the corral by the doors, they’re holding hands with an appreciative consumer. No shopping cart can stand to be alone for more than the shortest length of time. Have you ever heard a shopping cart that’s been left outside to long? It does nothing but whine and cry as a result of the mental trauma suffered from being away from the other carts for so long. In fact, lonely carts often try to kill themselves by throwing themselves at cars in the parking lot. These suicidal carts are the extremist though. For the most part, lonely carts will just find their way to someone who will appreciate them more than the person who abandoned them, like my cart did the other day. I was pushing him along, after naming him “Carty-poo”, when I was asked a question by a customer. Since it is my job to help customers, I carefully rested Carty-poo in the middle of the central aisle, told him to be a good boy and that I’d be right back, and turned around to help the customer. After telling the lady that, unfortunately, we don’t carry specials cards for a birthday that lands on Christmas day and that she’d have to go to a card store for that, I turned around to see the Carty-poo had left me. He’d run away with a young woman and her son. I was a bit upset at first, but eventually I realized that I hadn’t paid enough attention to him and that he was better off with someone who would love him enough to fill him up with purchases, not left-over product (a.k.a.: returns).

Well, that’s it for this week friends. Next week’s article will be devoted to whatever crap I manage to pull out of my ass. Also, when I say next week, I mean whenever I manage to find something decent in said ass. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it once again.