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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #014' by Faust

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003

Blurb

Another mailbag from Faust with the theme being SANTATASTIC and stuff. Whahay!

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As christmas draws near, children worldwide are trying to be good in order to avoid getting a big sack of coal in their stockings. Being from Birmingham, I actually look forwards to a lump of coal or two to KEEP ME WARM IN THE GHETTO ;_;. However, many children are more obsessed by material things.

Santa has always been a nemesis of mine, mostly due to the fact that the store Santas always smell of vodka and piss. Sitting in an old guy's lap and making a wish wasn't exactly my idea of a good time as a child either, especially one that looked like an old hobo. I remember one christmas when I was like 4. I wanted a MY PET MONSTER, which is a damn old toy with chains and it is furry and blue and shit. Anyway, my smelly Irish grandmother (not grannytroll) decided to buy me a fake one; a bloody keyring that was like 3" tall. I threw it up the wall, cheap ass bitch >:o. Gremfather bought me the large one the same day though. I honestly have NO idea where he got one on Christmas day for me ;_;!

*cough* anyway, Santa makes me sad. His fat red suit reminds me of COMMUNISM, or maybe IMPERIALISM! His white beard probably means he's a member of the taleban too. Bloody santa >:o!

Name: St Nicholas
Aliases: Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Hagios Nikolaos, Bishop of Myra
Age: Nearly 1700 years. Not bad for a Fat old guy.
Likes: Sherry, Mince pies, communism
Dislikes: Naughty people, non-christmas-lovers, flight permits
St Nicholas is the patron saint of prisoners and children, which makes me sad. Young offenders? Whahay! Christmas has some very dark origins then ;_;!
Papa Crimbo is also the patron saint of RUSSIA and MOSCOW. This suggests COMMUNISM to me, which is a thing that we all should dread! Remember kids, SATAN is a communist!
In japan I hear he is called "Annual gift man", but that is probably just western propaganda dreamed up to mock the Japanese ;_;. If santa was a superhero it would be pretty cool. He could like save people from dying of too much christmas port, or too much christmas glee, or too much christmas rape or something.
My festive nick on IRC is "Sexual_Santa", which, oddly, isn't causing as much stir as proclaiming myself Jesus. My guess is that people have lost the fire in their hearts. Either that or they don't think that "Sexual_Santa" is blasphemy, despite St Nicholas being roxor saint. If I was "Sexual_Jesus" or "Sexual_Saint_George" I bet people'd bother to fury at me. ;_;!

Right, after that SANTASTIC rant we'll continue to the mailbag.

Foget's Rival!
Mekess Chills me to the core with: Does GamingW have an offical mascot and theme song? If not, I wanna be the mascot. :D MEKE THE WONDER DONUT!
A: HELL NO! Foget is our mascott. I think Great Dave fits in somewhere, or he's like our enemy or some shit. Whatever. Anyway, Meke, you are like our SIDE SHOW ATTRACTION! Your carnal knowledge and filth attracts millions of innocents worldwide because of KARMA or some shit. Bloody eastern philosophies, get some JESUS LOVE down your necks >:o!

Traffic Police!
Eversoft asks a very personal question: Give me boxer shorts or DIE! And, how often does Faust drive a car and how many tickets has he got?
A: What? Boxer shorts? WHAHAY! Real men wear boxers, not these "thong" and "brief" things you get nowadays. Be manly guys!!! Like ME! Anyway, how often do I drive? Whenever I get a chance baby! I'm still learning so HAHAH NO TICKETS FOR ME, but my instructor does get pretty pissy when I nearly crash (Which is a lot). Cars should be easier to operate, not all this "Gas" and "clutch" shit. There should be buttons like "Go" and "stop" and "fast" and "scare old lady with horn". That'd roxor

Floods of the Poles!
Angroth Complains: There is four of evil bart avatars on the first four news posts, someone stop his wrath, he's scaring me!
A: Yes, Bart's avatar is very scary. He was on the front page four times mainly due to CHEATING!! Adding news like "OMG I ADDED A RESOURCE" and "OMG GUESS WHAT, IT IS TUESDAY" does NOT count as news Bart. We aren't GGZ or any other minor site for fuck's sake XD. Also I am sad because My avatar usually dominates the front page ;-;. Dirty polish person!

Playboy Mansion!
AgentX acts like MISTER HUGH: Who's the hottest girl on Gamingw.net? My friend says Rpggoddess or Shari(he got your name somehow) is a true goddess. I'd say he's over his head. I say AgentX is he hottest guy on Gamingw.net. If you think your ugly, then you must be ugly then!
A: The hell? "hot"? Well its like winter now, so I'm guessing they're all pretty cool. Right, time for an ANALOGY OF FEMALE BEAUTY or some shit. Or maybe I'll just say a random girl, whatever. Actually, all GW gals are hot. Shari (RG) is exquisitley beautiful, Kaos is Kawaii, Socky (treesock) is adorable, Kesiah is enchanting... the list goes on. Hottest guy? ME >:O! or something XD hehehe. No, actually Ethan (inu) is much hotter hehe ^_^ (hahaha I use the mailbag to CONVEY A MESSAGE OMG!). The last comment? If you think you're ugly you are? The HELL?! I'd respond to that but I have no clue how. PS: Don't make the GW gals compete on the beauty scales as the scales will overload and then GW will CRUMBLE in the aftermath ;_;!!!!!

HOW DARE YOU SAY JESUS IS A MOSLEM!!! JESUS WAS AN ARYAN PROTESTANT HETEROSEXUAL MALE!!!!111
thermogimp proves his lack of theological knowledge with: In the previous mailbag, Faust said that he would "crush them all in the name of Allah!" How can Jesus crush people in the name of the Islamic god? Is this part of some huge conspiracy to try to rob me blind through mail-order sweepstakes, or is Faust just an idiot?
A: Jesus is an islamic prophet sirrah. Moslems believe that he was a messanger of Allah and he's pretty revered to in their faith. WE ALL SHARE JESUS! Sikhs do to! whahay! Everyone loves me! =D!!! Faust an idiot? YOU SIR GET THE SLAP!!!

Flattery!
Eversoft gets onto the white list with: I like Faust's mailbags better :o
A: Make sweet love to me eversoft ;-;!!!!!!!! *hug*!

Upload mah gaem!
Maleus Plays a sad fiddle: I have a game to submit. The only problem is that I don't have a web site so can i e-mail my game any other way?
A: :/. If it is a really good game, (Like the way series) we'll host it. Otherwise you have to have it uploaded somewhere sirrah :o, sorry. Go to netfirms or flatface or some shit to get FREE SPACE!

Ninjas ahoy!
Koji and Durahan form a tag team to demand: I am a Tae*Bo master, a 3rd degree black belt who has been training in the ancient (mid-90's is ancient) art, and am wondering, how many robotic ninja with flamethrowers would it take to stop me? This is assuming I'm riding a tyrannosaurus rex that can shoot time pterodactyls out of its mouth...
A: The fuck is Tae Bo? Some kind of street ghetto "YO IT IS BO SELECTA" martial art? 3rd degree black belt? Wash your belt my son, don't let it get dirty ;_;! Ok, so you're riding a dinosaur and using your jive ass street combat...hmm...i'd say 2 robotic ninjas. One could set the dinosaur on fire and shit while the other one jumps onto it's back and kicks your ass. Computers can do ANYTHING better than us man, for example: I was playing a warezed version of scrabble the other day against the computer, until I realized that it already knew every combination of letters/points/words available and so kicked my ass pretty damn easilly. It had access to the entire language in a second and could use ANAGRAMS and shit. UNFAIR! Henceforth, a robotic ninja would be a million times better than a normal ninja. What was the question again? Ninjas? They aren't real; they were made up to scare children, just like Santa, Eskimos and Michael Jackson!

I GETS TEH BAN!
DEAN-0 inspires hatred with: IS FAUST A GIRL YES OR NO??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: ARE YOU A LAMER WHO IS NOW BANNED: YES OR NO??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I'm sick of this question, so it will be answered here ONE FINAL TIME before I ban the lot of you. I am male. Faust is a male name. My real name is Ian. I have a penis, an Adam's apple and no boobies or Vagina. THERE WE GO ¬_¬

I BEHELD SATAN AS HE FELL FROM HEAVEN!!
T.U.G.A smells of POO! POO I SAY!: Take my Game Maker game off your mother fucking website!
A: Go and FUCK yourself mister fatty! Seriously, this is NOT the way to go about it. I'll actually DIE before I submit to your demands now! HAHAHHAHAH FOGET!!!!

Nice mail today guys. Send in more please, but if you are trying humour then don't be lame. That is MY job ;_;! It is MUCH easier to make a serious comment funny than to EXPAND on a funny comment. >:o!!
SHIT!! Santa is here! Gotta dash kiddies!!!