Gw Temp


Article - 'Dear Santa' by GaZZwa

An item about Humour posted on Aug 9, 2003


The Eric Umley Christmas Special


Please note: The following article if entirely fictional, I am not Eric Umley and views expressed in this article are not my own. Thankyou.


Dear Santa,

My 15th Christmas on this earth
And what splendour shall it bring?
Ma and pa are out at church
And I’m bloody freezing!

All apologies for that bit of cussing, please don’t take away a present as punishment. Now, I bet you’re pretty lonely up there at the North Pole, Mrs Claus being rather portly around the waste and elves aren’t the best of company (or so I’ve heard). So this letter is not only going to contain my list of gifts that you and your reindeer need to deliver to me on Christmas Eve, but also just some friendly chatter. So how’re things up there in the baron wastelands of the North Pole? Cold? Chilly? Thought it might be. How are your elves? Cedric and Moonbeam still doing good in their old age, the cheeky little blighters? How about good old Rudolph, can’t forget him can I? I’ll be leaving him some carrot out along with your Sherry and mince pies, but it’s processed and not fresh. Is that alright? If not, go into our porch and you’ll find the fresh carrots second drawer on the left. Have you made any modifications to your sleigh? You must have over the years. I mean, no offence or anything, but you must be getting on a bit, and a few hundred years old sledge isn’t going to hold out well in the icy weather anymore. Have you seen that Tim Allen movie ‘The Santa Clause’? That was a great movie, number 3 on my top 50 of all time. Well, you should get a sleigh like that, with the cookie dispenser and everything? That would be so cool. I’ll leave some cookies out, because in ‘The Santa Clause’ you really like them. Oh, one question, did the producers of that movie interview you, or follow you around for a week to see what you’re really like or anything? That would be cool too.

Things over here are going ok. There’s this girl I really like, but she seems to laugh at me every time I say “hi”. I can’t imagine why. I baked Rudolph and Santa gingerbread men for my class the other day. Everyone took one, but nobody said thankyou and they all threw them at me afterwards. Is that a tradition up in the North Pole? So what are you getting for Christmas? Oops, silly me. Do you give things to yourself on Christmas? I guess that would be a bit stupid. And after all those mince pies you eat and glasses of Sherry you drink…well, you must be a tad tipsy and full that’s for sure. I guess that’s a pretty decent Christmas present. I wouldn’t have it though. I hate alcyhol. Can’t stand it. Apart from Alochol Free Beer. I drank so much of that on my birthday, I was hammered man! Yeah, nothing like being a rebellious teen.

Anyway, I’ve gone on about nothing much for far too long, and I’m sure you’ve got more important things to do than read my letter, so here’s the important bit.

The list. I’ve been good, so check it twice.

(In order of how much I want things.)

1. Playstation 2
2. Xbox
3. GameCube
4. Microsoft XP
5. A PC
6. Lego firefighter boat (floats on water)
7. BMXXX (PS2)
8. Dead or Alive Volleyball (Xbox)
9. Erotica Island (PC)
10. Britney Spears’ new album
11. Avril Lavigne’s new album
12. Spiderman DVD
13. Blade II DVD (if mum let’s me!!)
14. Best of Playboy DVD
15. DVD Player
16. Lego Electric Monorail
17. Sim Ant
18. Timesplitters 2 (PS2)
19. GTA Vice City (PS2….if mum let’s me!!!!!)
20. Timesplitters 2 (Gamecube)
21. The Thing (Xbox)
22. Timesplitters 2 (Gamecube)
23. The Thing (PS2)
24. The Thing DVD
25. The Thing (Gamecube)
26. Some whipped cream
27. Subscription to playboy
28. A shotgun
29. Bill Gates’ phone number
30. Lego airport
31. Some chocolate
32. Harry Potter magic set
33. Harry Potter dressing up outfit
34. Harry Potter books
35. That girl to love me

So that’s my short list (don’t you think it’s shorter than last years?) Anyway, I’ve got to go, some bigger boys from my school are coming to the door with eggs. Maybe they’re selling eggs for charity or something. Thanks very much in advance for the presents you give me. Hope you have a good journey, don’t forget to give something to my Granny, she likes Jack Daniel’s, and Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas,
Eric Umley

Dear Eric,

You twat!

Ho ho ho-ingly,
Santa Clause

-- GaZZwa