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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #018' by Kazeuri

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003

Blurb

The undying returns from the returned. Hello, i'm cheese cake.

Body

Back from the grave for a new year's mailbag. This is being put in rather hastily, so the quality will be the absolute best. time for some start up comedy that no one can rival... except maybe me!



Let's talk about my new favorite game, METROID PRIMES! I am too lazy to make pictures myself, so I will steal some from Game Spot. They watermarked them or whatever anyway so that you can. I give http://www.GameSpot.com the credit for these pictures, but I give myself credit for this comedy.



Kazeuri tells you how to beat Metroid Prime because you suck at it






I took a lot of vigorous testing. Probably 8 hours, all full of mind boggling strain and complex situations. It took me a long time, but then I finally solved the greatest mystery perplexing me; the game was in the system upside down and I was playing my reflection. After this initial bump in the game difficulty, I was confronted with some menus and began playing I think. Well, actually the game was playing itself and I had a Ps2 controller in my hand, but that isn't important! The learning curve is very difficult.







This is the evil save ship you escape from at the front of the game after you blow up some weird monster on some other place, but the story isn't important. The save ship is invincible, I shot it for about two days straight and nothing happened, so I came to the conclusion that I needed a better gun to destroy the evil ship. Off to the main world!







I think this is the hardest part. Guessing I sneezed on the screen or something, but it was just an illusion! I know some people play that other Nintendo game where it pretends to shut off your TV, but, man, this was really tricky! I guess some lava is coming out of a hole in the ground and just is fogging up your visor or whatever. It takes some time to figure out that infact you have not sneezed.







The second level area is all full of fire and is called the enchanted toilet caverns. This guy is like poop worm or something, and he can breathe fire. WAY TO GO NINTENDO! I kept shooting him until his mouth fell of, and it was pretty hard because the toilet makes that number go down. If the number reaches 0, the game is over son. So here is some advice: Keep that number high by not swimming in the toilet.







This is Metroid Prime port for the X-Box.







When you start the game you must fight a bunch of pirates. Like pirates are known to do, they are just laying around drinking booze or something. Shoot them up because they are defenseless. Later on your run into some other pirates who shoot red dots at you can can make you numbers fall to 0. I just run away from them, or turn into the ball thing and pretend I am running away until it explodes. These pirates don't have any treasure, I looked on the ship. There are no ghost pirates either, and no pirate flag.







Oh no! Your game is in Japanese! Go take it back to Best Buy because you got played like a SUCKA and can't read the story. Unless you know Japanese.







On the commercial it says evil must be found. If you can't find it, well, you gotta shoot rocks like THIS. This is pretty cool to do, since they don't shoot red dots like pirates. One time though, a boss is made of rocks and he is pretty hard.







Oh no! Grandma is mad! She hasn't had her insulin in over a week and is ready to just eat metal, like YOUS! She has two main attacks, grandma dentures breath beam, and moth ball smell. Both are pretty lethal, and the TV behind her holding tank is blaring Matlock so loud you become deaf!





Oh, what about those of you who do not have Metroid Prime? Just pretend like you do. Here is my fast guide to build a Game Cube:







What you need to do is cut that picture out. Then, (that is the real size by the way, your little brother could choke on it hopefully) you need to glue it into a box shape. Then you will have a real, life-size Nintendo Game Cube. What about the Metroid Prime disc?







Just glue it over a regular disc. The real discs are too small and costs too much money, so we have to use our imagination buster! Just put your probably crappily glued Gamecube on top of the disc, and let the magic begin!







You need those because they have jelly beans inside and you are fat.



Ok, that ends my segment. Now it is time to go answer some mails! Most likely.



Minstrel Knight: If you show this in the next mailbag then yer cool!!!

Answer: Thank you for not knowing how to ask a question! Your forehead is probably the size of Wisconsin! Must have taken you hours to come up with this stupid mail. If I had a dungeon, you would go there and turn into a skeleton because chains would eat you. Then you would turn into a chain ghost scary!



KPG: i made the gw gold comedy and i don't know WTF i'm doing adding on to the mail bag.. what is the mailbag anyways?

A: It's quite simple. You write in some mail to show how pathetic you are, and I make fun of you! Or, you ask a decent question and I answer it with replies that make no sense. Also, what is GW gold Comedy? Me and LG are COMEDY GOLD! When Faust is all out, he picks his comedy gold mine, and it is pretty disgusting. Oh no!? Booger time!



Point_Blank: Why is there no C++ programming or Delphi stuff. You know, like actual programming language used by big companies?

A: Probably because we have no demand for it. If we added it, about two people would use it. Here is what you do, go make a petition or something, and I'm sure that if there is a large demand, Bart will add a section to the site. Usually programming languages require you cover a huge array of things though. This is Gaming World, not C++ Tutorial land.



donmiguel: Mailbags are cool! And that is all...Except for this! And that. And that.And that. And that. AND that. And that...and that...AND THAT! END THIS ALREADY! I'll end this when I finish typing this sentence.

A: If you have a son, name him Janus, or Hiretsukan. That way they will surely turn out hobomosexual and have no chance to reproduce like you somehow did with a couch or blow up doll. This mail was crappy! You are making my mail bag not cool you gooch!



doctor cheese: heh if faust runs this shouldnt it be called the MALE bag? >:O

A: Oh, what a witty funny pun. Actually it isn't! It absolutely isn't! Sure, Faust is known to like the males, but certainly his love of late 80's Disco proceedes it! He is well known for busting out disco moves because he claims it never died. Oh no, then his hair grows all long like a man girl hippy, and he wears platform shoes and short jacket at an all night club full of over-weight older men. No no, by far he isn't hobomosexual, he is just a disco fan dance queen... err, king.



lithium: My penis hurts.

A:



What, you thought I was gonna answer that shit? Psh.



couchfiend: Would you like a ballad? I KNOW YOU WOULD! LAALAALAALAALAAA!!! School must die, but tomorrow I get out for the VACATION! HAHA, YEAH, yOU BRITISH BASTARD!!! Oh, wheres Kaze? Is he dead or something? Cuz... i mean... did they find his body yet? Wait, no, I've said too much! ::Holds up Neuralizer::, ::Neuralizes Faust::. We just had pleasant mansex, have a nice day! ::Faust runs off smiling:: Yees, now I will rant at the air! RAAAAANT!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNT!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTT!!! hey thats a cool roar.... I think I'll use it... Now then, where'd my question go? ::Reaches into his pants and pulls out a dirty piece of paper:: ::Faust comes back and takes it:: D'OH!!! NOOO!!! NOO!!! MY QUESTION!!! Ok fine, new question then!!! Why does Faust like dirty pieces of paper coming from a couch's pants(A male couch at that...)? Methinks that is quite sick!



A: One time I watched a B grade Sci-Fi movie about flying parachute pant alien attackers that made more ense than this. Your ramblings are prety bad! My body was found by the way, it checked in at the morgue again, but they don't want me back! Faust is just eager to feel what kind of pockets you have, he is a pocket freak. He collects pockets, infact, and wears them. No pants, just pockets. If Faust was named Fred, we would call him Pockets McFred, but he isn't named Fred. Another riddle solved!



Sand: Where can i download rtp files for rpgmaker2000?

A: You must have sand in your vagina. RTP files are easily downloadable by clicking this file THIS HANDY VIRUS INSTALLER WITH TROJANS AND SUB 7 SUPER VIRUS. Actually,look around, go to Don's site, or just don't use up the RTP because it is crap. Don't site has a "new" RTP with a bunch of shitty images slapped into a new RTP. It kind of sucks. Go get it though, Sand.



Hitler: I'm back! Just wanted to know whether Faust is male or not. Thanks!

A: Oh no! Hitler is back from the beyods! Faust is a male by moonlight, and a male by sunlight. Sometimes I think the only way Faust could possibly look more female is if he was giving birth. That is just my opinion though. Hey Faust, you got a sister? ;)



Minstrel Knight: Take my gamemaker game of your motherfucking site...

A: They should call you Pre-Menstrating Knight. Calm down, it will be taken off the site after you pay the service fee of EIGHT NINE DOLLAR MILLIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!



RPGoddess: I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside. I want to fuck you like an animal! My whole exsistence is wrong, you get me closer to God.

A: I feel the same way, RG! Nice NIN rip off by the way, at first I thought you were writing a sincere love letter to me :( Let's just have sex any way!



willennium2000: hey there, just wondering if you guys had a look at our first RPG: the King of Fighters RPG.



its on www.kofrpg.tk, we've posted it twice but theres still no reply.


A: Look, I am giving you world exposure! Better wear some sun tan lotion. Man, that joke sucked... Ok, here is a better one, two gay guyswalk into your website, one is Faust and one is you. (drum roll). THE END



On no, as of late / press release / media fast fury, Faust hijacked the mailbag. He answered all the same mails as me and ruined my mail bag. Instead of taking them out, I just left them there BECAUSE I AM 1337 AND WANT LONGER MAIL BAGS. It is not time for me to break into another funny section, and then continue with fresh letter.



By the way, just look at how much better my responses are. Yes, Faust failed Mail Man school when a dog bit away his heterosexuality.



I'm out like 2003 yous guys!