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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #019' by Faust

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003

Blurb

Alexander and Faust bust a funky lyric and talk about OZ in this weeks Mailbag!

Body

Ok. Alexander and I are muscling in on this joint yo, word to your mother!

Alex and I really enjoy watching this show together called OZ! It is about a PRISON in the US of A! OH NO! We're going to do our little "funny pre-mailbag article" on it this week :D!

Q: WHAT IS OZ ABOUT?

Faust: Oz is about a concentration camp style venture, a prison of the future named Emerald city :o. It shows prison life in this "city"; from the gang warfare to the drug trade to the guards trying to keep order. Oh, there's mansex too.
Alexander: Oz is an experimental project that gives prisoners more liberty in what they can do during the day! An experiment that FAILED MISERABLY on it's first day, so they've kept it running for more than five years. They SMARTLY put rival gangs in the same area, mixed old inoffensive people with bikers, and put weights and metal bars for the prisoners to KILL each other with! GO THEM!

Q: WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTER AND WHY?

Faust: Christopher Keller. He's in Oz for DRUNK DRIVING OH NO, but is really a serial killer. A serial killer who kills GAY people. Also HE is gay and he described it as "trying to kill the part of himself he hated" ;_;. He comes to term with his sexual nature and obsession with perversion over the course of the show and is currently on DEATH ROW ;_;. He is also in a relationship with another inmate named Tobias Beecher, who was a former lawyer :D! ANYWAY: Keller always smiles in a cocky way, kills people relentlessly and is damn sexy. CLASSY!
Alexander: My favorite character would probably be the Reverend Raymond Mukada (or "Jap Chap" as Ian and I call him), the prison chaplin. He's strikingly good looking, very charasmatic, plays interesting parts in the plot, genuinely cares about the prisoners and sings a VERY SEXY SONG in the musical episode!

Q: WHO IS THE CHARACTER YOU HATE THE MOST?

Faust: Tony Masters. He's VERY fat like Bart and runs the Gay gang. The Gay inmates are basically all fecking morons who are effeminate as HELL and just have sex and shit. There are other gay inmates (like the manly keller, Beecher, Richie Hanlon and Nat Ginzeng the Assassin), but they don't seem to be a part of the gang. Tony is probably all "You ain't flamboyant enough to be in our troupe sister" then clicks his fingers or some shit. He also wears gloves and a yellow scarf. SERIOUSLY; I would SO shank that guy if I was in Oz ;_;!
Alexander: There are a LOT of destable characters in the show...the warden, the crappy narator, but the one who stands out the most is the only teen-aged prisoner: Wangler. He acts like a tough guy, bullies around the weaker and older prisoners, and is an all-around jerk. Luckily, he gets shot! Ha ha! Where's your messiah now?! Ha ha ha!

Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PART ABOUT THE SERIES?

Faust: The entire concept of the different organized gangs (which were organized by McManus, the guy who runs emerald city, for some unknown reason). Groups like the Moslems and the Aryan Brotherhood really make the show interesting, and some like the Wise Guys, Spics and Gays are there for COMEDY GOLD! Each has a leader and a lieutenant, and each tries to control as many of the crimes and actions that happen inside the compound. That's right, organized gang warfare INSIDE PRISONS! OMG!!!! So cool XD!
Alexander: I LOVE all the story twists. An episode doesn't go by without a surprise. I also like seeing McManus get drunk and hit people!


Ok, that's basically our minireview of the GREAT series known as OZ hehe. Check it out on HBO or Showtime or whatever, or contact Alexander and I and say "OMG SEND US TEH OZ EPISOEDS ON TEH PC PLZ OMG" (yes, we collect them. We are SAD ;_;)!

Anyway, on to the MAIL :D!

Ask an unoriginal question, get a FURIED answer

Darklock makes me sad with: Ummmm...... I got a Question! When is GW Arena going to be posted? I've been waiting for awhile. Did you guys cancel the project? *Curious*

Faust: Ok, this is like the fiftieth time I'm answering this. No it is NOT cancelled, it is COMPLETED (Yes, that's right), and it'll be unveiled in the future. Why can't we unveil it now? BIG FAT SECRET (Like Bart haha, he is big and fat and also SECRET in his use of the bartmobile. Just ask Froz!)

Hail Dark Lord Y!

Anti-Christ descends from his dark throne to say: Why won't the administration give poor li'l me permanent ops in #gamemaker? I am a nice kid, I treat everyone with the respect they deserve, which happens to be NONE :o

Alexander: Basically, we hate you, and would rather give some monkey connected to IRC who slaps his keyboard around ops than you. Seriously though, there are a lot of people who ask to be oped in #gamemaker, but simply put, we already have too many. We're even thinking of removing some, like MrY
Faust: Damn right! Mr.Y is pretty damn crap now I come to think about it >:(!!

Faust > Kaze

donmiguel shows his sheer lack of taste: Woohoo! Kazeuri is back! Kaze is better than Faust. If you are Faust, don't post this in the mailbag. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(ETC...)

Alexander: Okay, I think it's time that we tell you guys the truth: Kaze is SHIT, and actually pays people to do mailbags for him. Me and Ian can pull a better mailbag out of our ass! We even have an amusing little anectdote related to that which goes...
Faust: Yeah ok, let's move on. Oh by the way, yes, I am supremely better ;_;!!

What is dis fing?

xXVi3tAzNBoYXx hits some random keys and types: What the hell is a mail bag

Faust: What the HELL is a xXvi3...whatever the hell random keys you bashed to type your name. Seriously, are you like a Mexican or something? A mailbag is a bloody mailbag you large and big eared fool >:(!!! Now sod off and go collect your WELFARE check!
Alexander: Stupid wetbacks! We really get the shittiest submissions in the world! Do us a favor and never have kids!

XENOPHOBIATASTIC!

Goldenhelm tries to FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE with: Now look, i request the right to use portuguese in all my messages and in the irc channel. Portuguese may be a shit of a language, but it's nice to use, when only 3 understand what ya say. With this people can learn another language by force! Curriculun Vitae upgrade! Come on, I won't screw GW with naughy words or something... woa, a big message uh? so, Vamo com isso e deixa eu mostrar meu patriotismo!!!

Faust: Seriously, overall English is the only language that matters worldwide HAHA. Sorry but it's true. If we have an operator that can understand the language you're speaking, and therefore moderate it if you RULEBREAK, we will permit it. For example: BLiZZ - Spanish, Alexander - French, Bart - Polish, DarkPriest - Finnish, Kazeuri - Lamer. Whahay!
Alexander: Bah! Je suis d'accord avec toi! Ils ne veulent pas que moi et me confrères québecois utilisent le français dans leurs chatrooms de merde! Je blame ça complétement sur Bart, puisqu'il est gros et laid...PAMPLEMOUSSE
Faust: Damn right my Frenchy friend! Damn right (whatever the FUCK you just said @_@)

AWARD TIME

Eversoft: Demands recognition for his only achievement: Where are those awards you promised us? GIVE ME BEST NORWEGIAN >:o!!!

Faust: Right, I have no damn clue what the HELL you're rattling on about eversoft, but Alex seems to so I'ma let him field this one.
Alexander: Here are the award winners!

Most convincing transvestite: H3Who
Biggest ePenis: Alexander
Most likely to become a postal worker: Kazeuri
Best Norwegian: Bo Derek (ha!)
Most bellybutton lint: Bart
Most likely to actually be a trained ape: DarkPriest
Best poo farmer: Pyrate
Most excessive Swearer: Faust
HAHHAHA

Faust: ... fuck you alex!!

Murder one!

Animus appeals to Faust's better nature with: Where did Kaze go? Did you kill him Faust? Cuz if you did.... I'll have to call the government ............... And tell them to give you an award. You have truly done a great service to GamingW. Three Cheers for the Almost as powerful as Bart, Crazy goth-man, Super Faust!!!! Hip Hip Hooray!! Hip HipHooray!!! Hip Hip Hooray!!!!

Faust: Aww, I seriously LOVE compliments hehe! Yes, I did kill Kaze but I don't think he's noticed yet as he's still running around and trying to thwart my attempts to usurp the mailbag :x! Lol, seriously though, thanks. Yes I DO deserve an award, like the Nobel prize for chemistry or some shit.
Alexander: This was like SOOO secretly written by Faust himself. Seriously though, since when does the government hand out awards you fool?

YAARGH MATEY!

Captain Ahab's Ghost is back with another eerie message: Arrr matey! Yar advice warked and I now have two missin legs thanks to yar advice of dousing me leg in arsenic I now have two missin legs! The damn thing is dead now like a whale thats dead like dead can be! Arrrrr matey! Wow, you GWlubbers arrrrrrrrr sure great! Bloody hell indeed!

Faust: Glad it worked out for you Captain. I liked the way that you emphasized that my plan cost you your leg like twice in one sentence. You're a ghost or some shit, so why don't you grow a new leg? Or is that spiders?
Alexander: The FUCK is up with this guy? Spiders? The Hell? Yaaar...

BIG LONG LETTER OF FUN

Icesage put a lot of work into this letter:

Hey Faust! How's it going!? I haven't written into the mailbag lately! And you alawys know I always ask serious questions when I send in these things... but as always.. I set you up to make my lame sumbission into something humorous! Well, here are my questions!

1. Why do people STILL insist on thinking your a girl Faust!? I mean, seriously.. I've seen pictures of you and you definatly don't look like you have breast... but people still think your a girl.. even though you've told them otherwise... seriously, I think some of these guys want you to be a girl because they want you so much but don't want to seem gay...

2. Explain this GW Arena in detail for me please.. I've read that's it's suppose to be like an online Gaming World RPG.. but I still don't understand. Is it suppose to be built in to the webpage or what?

3. You lied and said Kazeuri would be doing the next mailbag.. but look who did it.. Faust!

4. Would Bart doing the mailbag be a sign of Armegedon? Wait.. would that BE Armegedon?

5. You know those drinks called a Frosty? I think they should rename them to Fausties!!

Pardon any spelling errors because I just woke up! Sorry, I have to go now to chase after Harvey the polar bear that lives at Sea World... he stole the ring of power then flew to Alaska and now Gandalf, me, King Richard of King Richards fair (a fair that takes place in my state) and the Lucky Charms guy have to go hunt him down before Santa does! That damn greedy bastard... always stalking everyone...


Faust: Bloody hell that was a long letter :o! 1) Yes, people are morons. I mean a lot of guys are all "Hey, I'm straight but I'm attracted to you" and I'm all "that's cool", but the FUCK is it with people saying "HAHHAA FUAST IS A GIRL!!". I mean there's this new user called POOP-E-PANTS who keeps insulting me. I mean look at his NAME for fuck's sake XD. Alex can answer the next 4 as I'm too EMOTIONAL ;_;
Alexander: I know this was addressed to Faust, but…
1. Exactly! I mean shit, Mekesss has boobs, but people don’t mistake [I]him[/I] for a woman! You make a very good point though, most people, in an effort to preserve their illusionary heterosexuality will use just about any excuse for getting hard!
2. Umh… no
3. Hey little boy, want some candy?!
4. Well, biblically, seeing a bunch of skeletic horsemen riding in a flaming sky would be a sign of armageddon…. So I guess some fatty writing back to a dozen letters comes pretty close.
5. You know those that candy called Smarties? They should them ME!
Faust: WHAHAY! :D!!

SHOW ME YOUR PANTIES SMALL CHILD!

KPG made Alexander REALLY happy when he wrote in: i made the gw gold comedy and i don't know WTF i'm doing adding on to the mail bag.. what is the mailbag anyways?

Alexander: I'll tell you IF you go to your parents room, look into your dad's closet, take out his little box of... balloons... take a few out, unwrap them, put a few drops of milk into each of them, and spread them convinsingly around your room.
Faust: NO ALEX!!!

Ok, that wraps up another great funtastic mailbag! Alex and I were a mantastic duo today, which made me full of HOLIDAY GLEE even though it isn't a holiday. HOORAY FOR US :D!
PS: Alex wanted to insult y'all a lot more but I CURBED HIS EVIL WAYS :x!