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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #022' by lithium

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003

Blurb

The last one sucked hot ass, so lithium is back with 10x the mailbag power.

Body

You know, so often in life do we forget the great things that makes our being so worthful. Oh, who the hell I am kidding? Basically, I really don't have a introduction to this mailbag and frankly I am too tired and I missed out on my daily 7 masturbation times so lets get this done and over with so I can break out the "Girls Gone Wild" and somehoe manage to orgasm 7 times without dying. Because, after 18, an average male almost dies from an orgasm. Don't believe me? Why don't you take a look at them right when they are ready to finish up. They don't look to sharp do they? They got that "just crossing the finish line at the Boston Marathon, shit-face, saw my wife in bed with our son out of breath married man walk". So, going after 7 rather than 1 is dangerous, I figured - what a great time to make my will!

  • The Will of Scott Harris, Jr.

    MY POSSESSIONS:

    EVERYTHING - Buried with me.
    Last Stick of Big Red Gum - Shari (Feel hot baby)


    So as you can see, I am ready for my 7 orgasms and after I answer your comments I'll be on my way. God, I hope I don't get anything on the screen... Last time..err.... ANYWAYS. As if you couldn't tell, that diatribe was rather wierd! CAN YOU IDENTIFY WHY? I SURELY CAN! Now it is your turn... you will see a series of pictures - all of which you must sit there and think about what is wrong with that picture in a segment I like to call:

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE




    If you were too stupid to figure out what is wrong with this picture, I'll tell you. It is JESUS giving you a FONZEE and saying "Thanks for the Info!". No, you can neve give God info. I don't care who your god is, you cannot have a god going "I wasn't aware of that". So obviously, this is liberal propagandism focused on making Jesus out to be some kind of "always on an acid trip 3-day a week fucker". They don't want you to know about it, that is why the government made Fox News. TO DIVERT YOU FROM THE PLASTIC JESUS PROPAGANDA. It is so obvious.


    How can this adorable little creature be called a bastage? WHAT THE FUCK IS A BASTAGE!?! Pay no attention that his eyebrows are floating above his head or that his eyes stick straight out from his elongated cranium. Go to sleep. SLEEEPPPPP.


    I don't think I really even have to say, but if you don't know - this is a foget. What is a foget? A foget is a creature that looks like that foget in the picture and makes sounds like "ARUUUGHHHAUEUEUHEURHRUH" and is most commonly found at Bart's house. Bart = foget? We are investigating.


    ... Dude, what the fuck - seriously. These kids are like 11 and they are making.... dude. Kill their parents.


    Now, when I looked this up under the /crap folder it said "hobo man coloring". WHAT THE FUCK IS HE COLORING ON? THAT LOOKS LIKE A FREAKING BANANA. Oh, and not to mention he only has a neck, head and arms. One of his eyes is smaller than the other. His nose is perfectly round. What the hell kind of hopped-up-on-vikadin drugs lead to this childs birth? WHY THE HELL IS HE ORANGE?

    AND FINALLY...


    No explaination needed




    MAILBAG



    Roman
    Is Faust real, or is he some cheaply programmed robot? What about Kazeuri?

    lithium
    Faust is real, in fact HE HAS A NAME. It is Ian Craig. I'm not so sure about Kazeuri, but I know that he is off enjoying life and his "rap career". We wish all the best to him. For now, however, we are replacing him with the ULTRAkazeSim2003, which features life-like kicking your ass in every argument and complementary cheese.

    topgun3rguy
    Kenny Bernett
    Lot 208 Canyon MHP
    Morgantown, WV 26508

    I give free blowjobs to men. come to my house or call 594-2665

    lithium
    MY INITIAL RESPONSE
    .....Dude.... o.O

    MY COMEDIC RESPONSE
    omg hai 1st of how mush u cost per bj cuz i only haf 6 bucks so if u wan it coem an get it lolololzolzolzozlolz.

    MY CALCULATED RESPONSE
    I do not wish to recieve one, but I can direct you in the finding of someone who might. Faust, Moriason, MrY, Bart, Belross, DeathJester, Mekesss, Avatar, AnonymousGuy, Pat, Aidan, ben_02, Erave, Eer, EventHorizon, FinalDragon, Gohan, Hazey_Morning, IceSage, Kaiterra, Koji-Kabuto, Linguar, Nagosaki, NightBlade, Paradigm... ok, I am just going over the IRC list - but Pat wants it. REAL BAD. This is just too hysterical to pass up.

    DrFunk
    Why am I so awesome?

    lithium
    I believe it must have something to do with your past generations. Was your father cool? Was your mom cool? I didn't think so. Maybe you got struck with light, like John Travolta in Phenomenon - which instead of giving you a virus gave you the ability to be super-cool. Either that or all those years of training with Pokemon Cards.

    Vyse
    Hola! Como esta usted? Tienes Leeche? :( por favor!

    lithium
    No hablo español fluido, sino que intentaré contestar a su pregunta el mejor que puedo. Sí, le violaré y después procederé a matar a su familia - pero no en esa orden particular. Gracias.

    ATARI
    I have some not-so-reliable sources that claim we might turn into pickles for no apperant reason. Is this the doing of the Easter Bunny's evil twin or is it just a pickle of a problem!!? Ho noes!! How we will defend ourselves from the pickle powers!?

    lithium
    Yes, I have heard of this and I must tell you it is true. Unluckily for you, by the time I harness the power of Trent Lott's evil penis it will be too late for you and I will turn earth into a pickle-infested wasteland. Luckily for me, I have an anti-pickle bunker which I build out of spoons and chicken wire.

    MrJeffy
    this thing is toatlay cooooooooooooool

    uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum gaming world

    lithium
    No explaination needed

    So, as you can see the world is still full of tasty tidbits about GW. Now, if you'll excuse me - HBO's porn movies are coming on and I still have to prepare the washcloth. I can't believe the KKK, a anti-homosexual group among other things, gives senior leaders titles like "Imperial Wizard". Toodles.