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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #023' by Faust

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003

Blurb

Faust writes another mailbag and COMEDY ENSUES. This comes with commentary about the current GW Trivia contest, with information about participants and insults for Alexander! (Not really, I love you André ;-:!!)

Body

Ok, first Faustian mailbag in a while. A week late, but so what >:(.

Right, out of lack of any comedy gold I decided to type a few words into GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH THING to see what'd come up.

First word: Bartek



Ok, a chef. This was the first thing that came up, which is pretty damn fitting. Chef's like to prepare food, Bart likes to EAT food. Look at his mustache by the way...maybe it's Bart's father or something.



Second thing that came up. OH - MY - GOD. Gniado family reunion? Maybe...may God have mercy on all our souls.

Ok anyway, then I decided that this idea for comedy gold was SHIT, so I'm going to do some commentary on TRIVIA PARTICIPANTS instead. That should be comedy gold :D.

FAUST's GUIDE TO THE CONTEST!

Contestant 1: Hiretsukan
Specialisation: Computer based Knowledge, Theology
Hiretsukan (Janus) is pretty much known as GW's coding guru. However, as anyone who has spoken to him knows, his talents don't end there. Janus is an expert philosopher, excellent at the English language and adept at logic based skills. He's a formidable opponent and just claimed victory over another favourite of mine, Wolhay (Who I was certain was going to win). Janus is through to round 2.
Known for: Guru skills, running the programming forums, GW Safety advisor
Odds: 3-1

Contestant 2: Hundley
Specialisation: Literature, Politics
Hundley is the resident drunkard of the forum. His love of vodka is only surpassed by his love of politics, philosophy and literature. Hundley is an existentialist Nihilist by nature and covers up his intellect with various anecdotes about drink, his father, sock puppets or drink. Like Faust (third person, heehee), Hundley loves Marlowe's work and has a great mind of linguistics. Oh, and did I mention that he likes vodka? (Hundley has not completed round 1 yet)
Known for: Forum debates, satirical humour, getting drunk
Odds: 3-1

Contestant 3: Faust
Specialisation: Literature, History
(OMG ME)! Faust has been the favourite for this contest by the judges so far, but may face tough competition from the above pair. Despite the 4-1 victory in round 1, Faust got a question about Shakespeare wrong, throwing a seed of doubt into the view of his literary knowledge. Faust is the only GW admin still left in the contest, as Darkpriest and Pyrate refused to participate and Bart was eliminated in the first round.
Known for: GW Administrator, Forum debates, Mailbag
Odds: 3-1

Contestant 4: KermitTHEtoad
Specialisation: Unknown
Kermit faced DrFunk in the first round and achieved a great victory (DrFunk got a SPORTS question right. Sports don't count >:(!). Despite not knowing what kermit's specialisation is, he's shown sound knowledge of geography, history, politics and other assorted topics. He's a jack of all trades! Kermit was due to face Faust in round 1, but faced DrFunk instead. Kermit is the outside favourite to win the contest alongside RPGoddess (who has not yet competed in a round), so watch these two carefully.
Known for: Running GW radio, Crap Shack Moderator
Odds: 5-1

Contestant 5: RPGoddess
Specialisation: Literature, Assorted
RPGoddess, although not having completed her round yet, is another outside favourite to win the contest. Her sound knowledge on many topics, calm approach to tackling problems and lovable cute ways have won a place in the judges' hearts. In fact, I hear that Belross wants to MARRY her. Too late belly, she's TAKEN baby!
Known for: Global Moderator, Community Work
Odds: 5-1

Contestant 6: rapty
Specialisation: Geographical and geological knowledge
rapty is a surprise to us all, and deserves to be included due to his astounding win of 6 points in the first round of the contest. The Canadian male of a military family excels at geographical knowledge and other assorted tidbits. He recently challenged Faust on the forums, so hopefully these two will clash in the future, giving an exciting match!
Known for: Being a Bastard to everyone, Dynasty IRCAdmin
Odds: 5-1

Others to watch:

DeathJester - Morbid bugger with a good head on his shoulders (Odds: 10-1)
Mark - Very smart hermano, suikoden Fanatic like Fausty! (Odds: 10-1)
Moriason - Assistant Resource Head, excellent knowledge of Asian culture (Odds: 12-1)
GaZZwa - Stout literature, film and media based knowledge (Odds: 12-1)
Eshka - Secured a 3-0 victory over Esperboy in round 1 (Odds: 12-1)
Erave - Proved too much of a match for Fatty Borko, beating him by a point (Odds: 15-1)
ATARI - Known for his excellent articles and tutorials, good guy (Odds: 15-1)
Lochblade - Young but Bright (Odds: 30-1)
HazeyMorning - Known for being in a constant state of anger and very confrontational (Odds: 30-1)
Mekesss - Big, Scary, Perverted. RUN (Odds: ???-1)

Surprises so far:

Wolhay being eliminated first round (I had him pegged for semi-finals at least)
Bart being eliminated first round (Not THAT much of a surprise [He's fat haha], but he wasn't too pleased)
AnonymousGuy getting 3 points yet still being beaten by rapty (who scored a whopping 6!)

I'm most probably going to be making a followup article to this as the contest progresses hehe. Stay tuned people!

Ok, now we're onto the MAILBAG questions:

Je Suis Francais!
Johanz sends in a COMPLAINT: Ok Lithium, we need to clear some things up, why not do it in the mailbag? Lets reason in peace ok? Why did you hate France so much? Im not french but im wondering.. I mean, if it was a satire, it was the worst one I have seen.. It wasn't even a bit funny.. Sometimes I wonder what kind of humor you have.. But I guess you have a serious side of yourself, and a good one, but they are not shown to good here tho.. So stop with those jokes ok? And maybe I will read your articles once more...
A: Ok, starting off on a serious note. I'm pretty much to blame for Lithium's fun as it was kind of based on my own bigotry on IRC. It started off as Alexander and I noticed the sheer amount of homophobia present in people. We responded to this by mocking them in a satirical way, listening to racist songs from "David Allen Coe". It isn't serious at all heh; lithium just attempted to poke fun at Alexander and his Frenchy ways. GamingW has no ill feelings towards the French, and in the future such comments will be avoided.

News glorious News
TheLuggage mocks our creativity with: Has anyone else noticed that GW has fallen off the brink into total and utter insanity? AAAGH! None of the news titles mean anything anymore!I am so confused!
A: The thing about news titles is that it'd be boring to see "submissions added" and "Article added" on the main page. We name our updates EXCITINGLY so people'll click on them and read! If I make one advertising free porn, it'll get a shitlot more readers than MrY calling his "New article" :D

GOLDEN AGE!!
the winkler asks what the fuss is about: I keep hearing members of GW waxing sentimental about "the good ole days". Others like Zidane854, Andiaz and others have recently left the community, citing that GW just isn't the same anymore. What exactly were those good ole days like, anyway? Was there more mansex or something? wink
A: People like to make themselves seem better by announcing that yes, they HAVE been around a long time, and it used to be damn better back then. If they're from a "better time" then they have a "better experience" overall. It's just like the ELDERLY; shit was better in their day. The staff were reminiscing earlier in the staff room actually, but we all agree that the community keeps ascending. Let me tell you; it's a lot better now than back when we had less than a hundred users hehe. For a start, I know the rules of GRAMMAR now! XD

Funk it up!
DrFunk asks my opinion: Some people say I stink and others say I suck. Which do you think I'm more of?
A: I love you funk, and if it weren't for my devotion to someone else I'd have your babies. If I had a womb too. "Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?" haha :D

Sexual organs!
Memphus lowers the tone with: Which turns you on more: 8=====D or... ( o Y o )
A: Sadly the ascii text doesn't turn me on. Here's my OWN invention though: ->-|-:P->-|-:D! WHAHAY! It's Alexander and I!

Cowboys and Injins!
MrY gets himself fired with: Where have all the cowboys gone? THEY DIED FROM NICOTINE. NICOTINE, I SAAAAAAY
A: Nah. Cowboys kind of became EXTINCT when the need to move cattle around the western united states kind of became obsolete. They MAY have died of cigarette poisoning, but that probably wasn't it. PS: You suck Yboy!

Penguin Fetish!
Loki seeks help with: Why am I so aroused by Lithium's avatar, but repulsied by the man himself?
A: You're sexually attracted to penguins? Damn scary. Maybe it's due to lithium's like anti-magnetic personality or some shit. He REPELLS!

Question time.
Vyse asks um big heap o' Q's with: Where in the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Why do Christmas lights say for indoor and outdoor use only? Why do old men have hair in their ears?
A: Well, Humpty Dumpty broke into pieces or some shit. Maybe the name is like DUTCH for "Egg man" or some shit. Fuck, if people call "Dr Robotnik" "eggman", then this seems pretty logical too. Not being a very festive person, I don't give a shit about your christmas light question. Finally, old men have hair in their ears because they are old. When we get older we kind of turn into SHIT and lose our looks. Die young people!

Fatty!
Bart sends some threats: Put this in mailbag or you're fired!! >:]
A: See how Bart spams again? It makes me SAD in the pants :(

Fatty part DEUX
Cereal_Hunter deserves some serious slaps: I think to many people are disrespecting Bart. If I was gay he's be the first guy I'd have sex with.
A: Can you even comprehend how fat Bart IS? God, go look at BARTSTRONG again. If you're still aroused then...I seriously don't know what to say. Fat Fetish = NO ya shmuck!

Ok, your mailbag submissions are getting shittier by the second people. Send in some bloody good mail next time ok?