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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #024' by lithium

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003


More mailbag fun?


Mailbag Issue #024

Pardon my absense over the past couple of days for certain issues have arisen in my neck of the woods that I have to deal with before I can do anything else but I've come to deliver a mailbag - probably the only one for a little while. I was sitting in my apartment, naked of course, thinking of what to open this mailbag up with because Bart has some funky rule "YUOS MUST OPEN UP MAILBAEG WITH SNAZZY OPNING!!!!11111". Ok, he doesn't have that rule but that is what everyone does when they do the mailbag and I hardly want to be one for breaking tradition. Anyways, to continue with my story, I was sitting in my apartment thinking of what to open this mailbag up with and I came up with a great solution! How about I dump all my problems on GW users? I only have two major ones but...I know, I know - brilliant isn't it? I guess we should start then...


Numero Uno: That Fucking Piece Of Shit I Call A Car

I really don't know why I bought this hunk of junk, but I was in urgent need of a car and it was really the only one that I could afford. It is a 1998 Ford Taurus that I got off of some junkie car salesman for 500 bucks. When he came out smelling of corn chips and bourbon, I knew that I shouldn't have listened to his SHADY SALESMAN TACTICS...

Me: Yes, I'm going off to college and wish to purchase a automobile from your establishment. According to the sign outside that reads "SALESMAN'S SHITTY ASS CARS", it would only lead me to believe that you sell such mechanized transportation methods here.
Me: Why - is that a 1989 Ford Taurus?
At which point the SALESMAN switched around the 8 and the 9
Me (Continued): OH! I see now! With that totally unsuspicious readjustment of the numbers 8 and 9, I can see now that the car is a 1998 Ford Taurus and is therefore in no need of inspection by a mechanic I can trust.
MeWell, thank you kind sir for being such a helpful tool in the process of purchasing my first car. I'm sure that I can take your words to heart when you say this car is in perfect shape.

When I left the auto-sales shop, I heard quite a bit of laughter coming from the building but I suppose they were watching some "Friends" re-run. No, Friends is a funny ass show. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact

This happens everyday.
that I got duped for $620 and am now in urgent need of another car. I do have the money to go and get one, but I am far too lazy to go and buy it. So, if any of you kind GW users could spare your car so that I may sit here in my underwear watching "Friends" re-runs please mail the title and registration to:

Scott Harris
P.O. Box 4131
New York, NY.

Thank you.

NUMERO DOS: The War In Iraq

Now, I'm sure that most of you have had it up to the finish with all the 24-hour, mindless commentary filled news broadcasts that seems to be on every channel. Even the FOOD NETWORK broke into their broadcast to tap into CBS so that they could bring you live video feeds of Baghdad being set ablaze by Coalition aircraft. And I was having fun cooking that Lobster

He is one sexy bitch, GRRR BABY VERY GRR.

Nuberg. Anyways, since the war began I have had less and less time to be around a computer since my frequent monitoring of CNN, Fox News and MSNBC has derailed such normal activities such as "Going to the Bathroom" and "Eating". So, with many stains on my new carpet I am left with 2 options: Go to class, go on computer. Because my education is much more important I decided to go to class driving my PIECE OF SHIT CAR.

So far I have noted that more Americans have been killed simply by our inability to fly helicopters (something that we train for on a daily basis) then by Iraqi troops. I mean, honestly... how bad do you have to suck if you an Iraqi troop can kill you? To top that one off, an American solider is the prime suspect in a grenade attack on a U.S. logistics base. If I could sum up my reaction to that in just one word that word would be... WHAT THE FUCK? I bet it was a French-born solider too, those fucking pansies.

Well, now that you know the two major causes of my absense lately here at GW you can either laugh or cry. I'd laugh, for you aren't the one that got totally assraped by some guy with a cigar. Ever see Matilida? Yea, that kind of guy.

And now onto the feature of this article,


Hey, i have a question that has nothing to do with games and everything to do with your site. How did you make your buttons and form felids colored instead of just that crappy grayish tan? Its it using Java script? Please help... I need to figure it out. Also, when you put your pointer over a image, the text that appears is formatted. How did you make it's background and font color blue and white? Please help me!

Ah, crap. I have to be helpful in this one. Well, since I know absolutly nothing about this field, I decided to stop into our friendly, neighborhood IRC chatroom to ask our friendly, neighborhood coder, Bartek (DON'T CLICK THAT LINK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD). He provided me with the following explaination:

Form fields use CSS, The "Text that appears over the image" is done using something called overLib (Do a google search for it).

So, if you get anything from that - give thanks to Bart. If not, email be and we'll work out a way to have him killed.

Have you ever had sex with a horse?

Yes, actually I have. And no, it isn't all its crapped up to be. I think I got some serious venerial diseases from performing such a heinous act of beastaility. Oh, and you are BANNED

Why does Faust never use the word "Chinesetastic" in any of his articles, mailbags, etc, even though I tell him to do so EVERY WEEK?! >:o

I'd say it has to do something with the planetary alignments. I'll run it by him again, although I really don't see any reason to say that. Oh, well.

which is more erotic
monkeys, muels or mongoose???

Based on my opinion, through watching such helpful TV programming provided to me by the wonderful people of at The Discovery Channel, I'd say I am most likely to get a hardon when watching a monkey pick its butt, smell it and then pass out. Of course, that is just my opinion.


Sure, I'll cyber with you.

And to finish up, I thought I'd answer IceSages many questions.
Dear Mailbag Answerer for this week whoever that may be: (Because you're always fucking changing it!!)

Please answer me the following questions:

1. Is the GW mailbag the ONLY source for knowledge in the world? Because, whenever I write in, I always get a wise philosophical answer! (or at least I can call it that because it sounds CLASSY!)

2. Why and HOW the hell did the BARTSTRONG.jpg get into my computer? I mean.. I didn't even know it exsisted until I checked my Temporary Internet Files.. and I was like.. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GET IN HERE? People claim Bart is a 1337 hax0r maen... I claim I was overtired and probably forgot loading the image, which do you think?

3. Is it just me, or has /crap recently been being filled with uh... Crap?

4. (REAL QUESTION ALERT ((Uh, maybe)) )

Why is Ian always changing his nick? I mean... seriously, he was known as Lord_Gremlin, then known has Faust ... and well, HELL! there were probably more but I'm not keeping track! I mean, I've stuck with the name IceSage for 6 frickin' years and look at how for it's got me! XD

5. Uhh.. speaking of my nick... what do you think would be a better nick for me instead of IceSage? Maybe, WRITESTOOFUCKINGLONGMAILBAG LETTERS-MAEN? Hah, no.. I wasn't serious about that. But really, what nick should I use from now on?

1. Because American Media cannot be trusted, yes GW mailbags are the only trustable source of information. Oh and, life is like a box of choclates.

2. I think you simply search for Bart porn and stumbled upon that picture. That is ok, I want to ride that fat pony too.

3. I think /crap's main purpose is to exploit some of GW's crapiest moments. I swear:

"1466: A recent new welcome topic in GW's Welcomes and Farewells forum contained this.
i may stay here a while i may not depends on how many fags there are here.
He shall rename nameless for his own sake. Good luck, champ!"

That has got to be the classiest /crap quote EVER.

4. Well, he has been Faust since I've gotten here (which was just about 9 months ago). Maybe he hs a personailty disorder, probably comes from being GAY.



Now, as we come to the end of the mailbag, I'd like to put the spotlight on a Trialware game that has become a sort of addiction to me over the past month or so. It is called Hollywood Mogul. The name basically says it all. You start out opening up your own picture studios and you make movies and so on a so forth. It is a simulation though, so you don't actually make the movies. I really enjoy this game, and I bet that you will to.

From the developer: "Go inside the Dream Factory and run your own Hollywood movie studio. Hire and fire the biggest names in the business as you bring 100 movies to the Silver Screen. Have you ever sat in a movie theater and thought to yourself, 'I could do better than this!'? Well here's your chance to prove it. Choose from 900 Original Screenplays, Novels, and Stage Plays or create your own movie idea. Get the script written. Budget your movie. Select a shoot location. Budget post-prodution Special Effects. Negotiate with agents and hire the talent. Select a release date and advertising budget. And much, much more. Finally, choose the music for your movie's Film Score as you watch your movie's opening credits. Then sit back and watch the box office dollars roll in. Or have you made a collosal box office bomb?! It's all about money and talent. Find out if you're going to be the next Hollywood Mogul."

If you have Windows 9.x, ME, XP, or 2000 you'll be able to run this game, and it comes with a 5-day demo run. Now, I bought the actual game (because it was only $15) but there are programs out there that could extend your playing time, so don't be detered by the short trial.

Thank you for watching "Mailbag Time GALORE" with Lithium. Tune in next week when we do the same thing over again, only with more ZANY PLOT TWISTS.