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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #025' by lithium

An item about Mailbag posted on Aug 9, 2003

Blurb

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than Jaws IV.

Body

Mailbag Issue #025

Whahay! Numero... twenty-fiveo.... Whatever. Anyways, hello and welcome to the Mailbag number 25! As my absense drags on, (because I still have that shitty car, and the war is still going on) I decided it would be best to make up for my time missed by being a friendly mailman. I didn't really pull anything productive out of this week, but I managed to get a super high score in Pacman (exactly 56,780) from Microsoft's extremely old (I think, produced in 1993) "Return of the Arcade". Most of you would question how I knew that it was made in 1993, well I don't exactly know for sure - but I'm guess it was before Windows 95 because the whole time it kept asking me where the "Program Manager" was, and lord knows that crappy ass feature was painted all over Windows 3.x. Oh... and I had a bowl of cereal. Yummm.... frosted flakes. I also mananged to cut myself ACCIDENTALLY with my swiss army knife and almost take out my knee cap with a vaccum cleaner attachment. I'm sure you are all very proud of me.

Through my intense gaming rituals this weekend (I swear, at least 15 hours of Pacman), I came up with the brilliant idea that I should showcase some of the greatest games of all time. Remember, my opinion is god and if you disagree with me you will be locked away in solitary confinement for at least 6 months. You'll also be forced to watch "Reading Rainbow" until you die. Don't.. DON'T think about that guy in the overalls for more than 3 minutes or blood'll shoot out your nose. On with the show...

Greatest Game of All Time #4: Super Mario Bros.
This is probably the game that started all modern gaming as we know it. This game is Super Mario Brothers. Even though the first player mode never features Luigi, he was probably off having hot sex with some random fecalgoat anyways seeing as no one cares that much about Luigi and he is forced to live on welfare and the skin of innocent children. Seriously, the game is called "Super MARIO Bros.", which makes me question if Luigi has any powers at all. I bet he is just a fraud that wouldn't leave Mario along in high school. Anyways, Super Mario Bros. can always be counted as one of the best games that ever graced my shiny white ass just because the stoners over at Nintendo in 1987 somehow came up with the idea that hitting you head on hard blocks of steel and stepping on random animals was a fun game. And that is my theory. I think this game was originally a drug rehabilitation recreation exercise. Think about it, a man in tight red overalls with a matching hat hitting his head on stuff (think back to those "this is your brain on drugs commercials"), stepping on Mushrooms and "Plants". Somehow, this idea caught on and was marketed to little kids. America... what a country.

Greatest Game of All Time #3: Final Fantasy I
You can never, EVER have a "Good Game Countdown" unless you include Final Fantasy I on the list. This game is the very reason why this type of stuff exists. I am willing to bet that GW would never have came to be if it wasn't for the revoluntionary storyline "Princess kidnapped. Special Prophet Warriors suddenly "appear" in the Region. Princess saved.". It may sounds wierd now, but if it wasn't for Final Fantasy I - you wouldn't have Chrono Trigger, Kingdom Hearts and all those other neat Square games and probably most of the other great RPG games of all time. If you even want to claim that you are a RPG fan, you have to have played Final Fantasy I. So if you haven't, go now. Stop reading this and just go. FIGT, WH MAGE, BK MAGE, THIF, and the whole crew are waiting. Ah, the good ol' days.

Greatest Game of All Time #2: Pacman
I really wanted to put this at number one, but I came up with a better game so I decided to stick it here. If you've never played Pacman, which if you haven't you should be very afriad at what I might do to you when I find out, this is the basis of the story: You play as little yellow circle, apparently deformed enough have a mouth, that has to run around and eat strange square dot things while being chased by figures that resemble that of KKK members. I mean, ironic joke, isn't it? Yellow thing being chased by the KKK... laughs ajoy. I spent alot of my weekend playing this game and came to the conclusion that it certainly had to be one of the greatest games of all time, and because I really don't have enough knowledge of games that have been produced, I figured "why the hell not?" and I slipped this in here.

Greatest Game of All Time #1: Fogetron
I mean, SERIOUSLY. THIS GAME IS LIKE THE BEST! ONLY GREAT MINDS, INTELLECTUAL MINDS, GENIUNES COULD COME UP WITH THIS GAME. YOU NEED THIS GAME, IT IS THE BEST THERE IS, NOTHING BEATS IT. GO AND GET. OMFG, CAN YOU SAY GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME ANYMORE THAN THIS GAME? NO! *ahem*

Whew, that was a trip down memory lane. Too bad all those games sucked up the tailpipe otherwise I might have to have some respect for them. Apparently, my overwhelming sense of apathy took over in this situation. Continuing with the show...




MAILBAG



Killerofair
I was wondering, can we post our Rm2K3 games on the net legally?

lithium
Although I doubt Enterbrain would go after YOU, and only YOU for pirating RM2k3 and making games with it, I suppose there is a fair chance of legal recourse. Just don't attempt to sell them.

Terin
Whoever's doing the mailbag -- make me look sexy, it's my first time in a mailbag. -.^

lithium
Ah, our latest addition to the staff. You know the saying "Last hired, first fired?". As per your request, *glamourizes Terin* ???

Grandragora
What motivates you lot to bother maintaining this site anyways? What do you think are your 'rewards'?

lithium
I think in one of my previous mailbags, I answered this question, but I suppose I could go over the process again... here it goes:

Step 1: Bart, DP and Faust select your name out of a pok-a-dotted hat, with information provided to them by the CIA, MI-5 and whatever intellegence agency they have in Canada. ROFL... Intellegence in Canada... you don't get funnier than that.

Step 2: They arrive at your house and break into your room, steal your pants, tie you up and shove you in the trunk of your shitty ass 1989 Ford Taurus that the salesman specifically said was a 1998 Taurus and then charged me about 600 dollars.

Step 3: They bring you to their factory where we are forced to listen to "Eminem - Criminal" over and over again in solitary confinement until we do work for them.

so, to answer your question - our benefits are not having to listen to Eminem, and one day I'll break out of this old warehouse... HELP ME, PLEASE LORD THIS BOY NEEDS JESUS, HEAL THIS CHILD AND HELP US DESTROY THESE DEMONS, PLEASE SEND ME A BRAND NEW CAR AND A PROSTITUTE WHILE MY WIFE'S SICK IN THE HOSPITAL, HELP ME.

alexander daniels
hey, where are we going to get the rpg maker 2000. without any back-talk.

lithium
We do not supply the download links to RPG Maker 2000. Oh and, nanananana YOU CANT MAKE ME.

yrla
hELLO MI FIENDT. I MAKE bAIROOT dOLLAR I PAY YOUY FOR MAKINC bLACK yRLA.NET/CJB FOR ME. i MAKEW POTOSOPH PICTURE TO ADD UP ON bLACK-yRLA AND YOUY MAKCE CITE i HAVE POTOSOPH ON. i GIVE MOEYUY TO TYOUY AND YOUY MAKE CITE.

lEARN ME TO MAK NICE DOUBL LIGHTNINGH ON BLAKC YRLA TO ADD IN POTOSOHP.

follow me i am goot//

lithium
See, this is what happens when you dig too far into Super Mario Bros. I had to take another trip our famous translator ALEXANDER for his opinion on this incoherent and scrambled alien message.

Alex's Interpretation: "Hello my gods, here at GW. I have made Bairoot Dollar... oh shit. WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH?"

That is all I got out of him before he ripped off all his clothes and started humping the water cooler.

Mian2222
In RPG 2000, when i d/l a game it doesnt have any font. When i play my own game it does have font. Will someone please tell me the answer to my problem?

lithium
I'd reinstall RM2K, or maybe you accidentally deleted RMG2000 from your Windows/Fonts files. If that doesn't solve your problem, go into our IRC room our visit the forums for more help.

IceSage
For once, I'm not going to write a long mailbag letter... instead I'm going to suggest something craptastic!

I think there should be some raffle or something to choose various people from the IRC chat, to co-host the mailbag with whoever is doing it, who isn't staff. I suggested this to Kazeuri the other day, and he was like "Sure, let's get together at 3" or some shit... but with Kaze's altzimers or however the hell it's spelled... we kinda forgot about it and Faust ended up doing the mailbag so nothing happend.

Ok, why don't we start this specail co-host mailbag with me? The answer to the next mailbag question is as follows:

"Look! I don't know what the hell you're talking about but your grandma is shit compared to goatse! I mean, what was that rambling about "???" I mean come on! My cat could write a better mailbag question than that!"

.... Uh.. yeah.. hopefully that will work out and you'll use that, so I can be like.. super 1337 and mailbagstastic or some shit...

DAMMIT! I wrote too much again!

lithium
WRIGHTS2LONGMAILBAEGMAEN_2. I like you ideas, and they will be noted.




Spotlight



This week's spotlight goes all the way back to old schooo DOS with a game called "Conflict: Middle East Political Simulator". This is the basic gist of the game: You take over for an assassinated Prime Minister of Israel, and surrounded by the entire Middle East you have to manage to stay in power long enough for all the countries around you to collapse or you have to be the great military leader and invade them. This is such a great game, I wish there was a remake for Windows but DOS can deal for right now. The graphics are obviously not very good, and there isn't any sound - but I guarentee that you will enjoy this game... and you trust me, right???

You can pick thios gem up in the "Political" titles section over at Home of the Underdogs.




I guess what is all for this week, thank you for all of your comments and keep sending them in so that we can continue the mailbag program. I hope it was to some enjoyment to you. Arriev...

"PLEASE LORD THIS BOY NEEDS JESUS, HEAL THIS CHILD AND HELP US DESTROY THESE DEMONS, PLEASE SEND ME A BRAND NEW CAR AND A PROSTITUTE WHILE MY WIFE'S SICK IN THE HOSPITAL"

IT'S PLAYING AGAIN!

It's just little ol' me, Mr. Don't Give A Fuck, still won't leave.