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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #026' by lithium

An item about Miscellanious posted on Jan 13, 2004

Blurb

Learn how to be a rap star in 10 Minutes!

Body

Mailbag Issue #026

I think over the past few weeks I've been able to narrow what exactly I wanted to do with my life down and I came down to just two options: Political Analyst or a Mad Rapper (TM). I figured since my understanding of international politics was crushed after Bush tested his "Pre-Emptive Strike" doctrine, I've decided the best way to go for me at this point is being a Mad Rapper (TM). So, I tried out my expert rhyming skills and 'battle rapped' against some of my foes. I soon realized that mocking the Holocaust and praising Allah weren't the way to go when developing rap songs, and since I had no other tactics, I had to search for other ways to score a multi-million dollar contract without having any amassed talents whatsoever. After searching effortlessly on the Internet for like... I don't know... at least a few minutes, I was able to come up with a list of credentials that artists with really no talent at all yet were able to score million dollar contracts all have in common. Trust me on this, I know what I'm talking about:

#1: Get Shot Up (by Druggies or the Po-LECE)
Now, I might not know what I'm talking about, but I think I found out that the best way to get someone to sign you onto a label is to be shot by drug dealers or a law enforcement official. This transforms an ordinarily untalented man into a hugely successful rap star in a matter of minutes. It also gives you alot more material to work with, just make sure you don't 'bite off other peoples shit'... apparently it can cause some kind of gum cancer because the guys down on 112nd street keep saying 'Yo, white boy, bite off my style and you might just die". Needless to say, I don't bite off their style, and I floss twice a day.

#2: Fall Into A Coma
Famously horrible artists like 50 Cent and Eminem have all fallen into comas that seemed to have been caused by abusing massive amounts of controlled substances or having traumatic childhood experiences. I figure if I bash my head in enough times, I can fall into a coma and when I get out of it, god will bless me with the miracle talents of a Mad Crazy Rap Star (TM).

#3: Sell/Buy/Rent-To-Own Drugs
Almost every rapper I can possibly find has an extensive past with drug abuse. This is an easy task for me because there are lots of drug dealers in New York and If I can't find drugs in New York City, either the columbians decided there wasn't a very big market here or I scare them.. you know... being white an all. Anyways, after I'm done writing this, I'll go outside and talk to the scary looking caucasian guy outside my house and see if I can't get me some of that Miracle Rap Talent Drug, also known as Cocaine. Another thing struck me, if I can buy them and then sell these drugs, not only can I make a hefty profit to start recording my rhymes, I can rap more about things I don't usually want to get stereotypically thought of as.

I quickly realized I wasn't willing to do any of these things, so I guess telling you this stuff was a huge waste of time. I guess I'll just go back to 112nd street where I'm wanted at midnight for another round of battle rapping. It is cool because I got some good shit on how Hitler is my homedog and on the weekends we lay back, with our minds on our money and our money on our minds. Yo yo, or some shit.





MAILBAG



RYAN!!!
GW. It's kinda dead lately. Are you behind this?

lithium
No. I bet it has something to do with the SARS epidemic. That dirty MrY and his escapades with Chinese hookers...

guy
Are you allowed to submit demos to GW or do your games have to be compleatly finished first?

lithium
I believe, from looking around our game database, demos can be elected as games to be added. I wouldn't take my word for it though, I'm not a very trustable person - In fact - I could just be telling you this to throw you off... I know. I should be on the Axis of Evil.

ATARI
What?

lithium
WHAT BITCH?!?!? YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? I'M LIKE... A RAPPER... AND STUFF. YO YO... yah.

Dragonsama
Will there ever be GW: The Movie?

lithium
I am not allowed to say, but if there is, I hope Brad Pitt doesn't play me. I hate that guy.

sappling
Will there ever be a news article with a point and purpose, on ethat isn't made by a member of staff, one that makes sense and has an understandable title that people will read? You sad people probably won't even put this up... self censored....

lithium
AND THE YANKEES WIN!!! THE YANNNNNNKESSSSS WIN!

Duff the Tragic Wagon
Why is 'Bart Ville' (gamingw.net/bart) scary beyond belief? It's all wierd ramblings by Bart, and none of the links work.

lithium
Honestly, I don't know. I tried to talk to him about it, but everytime I do he shouts Yu-Gi-Oh! attacks at me.

GroundsKeeperWilly
hey, how come I'm not famous here

lithium
Probably the same reason why Eminem is so cool. Because he swears alot and wears a du-rag. You don't do this stuff, so I suppose if you did, you'd be ultra famous.

kAiRoU
is rm2k3 done yet?If so, where can i get it?

lithium
The SMP (Secret Mole People) are not done translating it into English yet. Please check back later.

BLiZZ
h

lithium
I hope you get SARS dude. Seriously.




SPOTLIGHT



Today, we have an online game for you guys to check out. It is called NationStates. The basic idea of NationStates is that you found your own country (which can basically be any government type you want) and then jump into the arena with well over 100,000 other nations and strut around your international policies or stay an isolationist and just do the issues. It doesn't matter to me. They have a model UN, and all that other real-life good stuff. You can enter alliances, go to war and all that fun stuff too. It is a really fun game, and I hope you check it out.


Well, that is it for today. I hope you've learned something from this, and if not, watch TV. I'm sure a rerun of the X-Files is on or something.