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Article - 'Overcoming the DOOM obsession' by EventHorizon

An item about Humour posted on Jan 14, 2004

Blurb

A comical article based around overcoming an obsession with the legendary First Person Shooter game: Doom!

Body

Now everyone knows that DOOM II: Hell On Earth is by far one of the most adicting heart racing games. But many people have gotten into this game so much, they have actually become adicted. Now first, here's a few things that happen to you, and how to over come it.



Problem: You try to pick up things by walking over them.

Answer: First take 3 old belts and nail them to your wall. Now stand with your back to the wall, place one belt on the thigh of your leg, then next at the bottom near the feet and the third over your knee caps. Now bend over with your arms stretched down and go to sleep. When you awake the next morning, or just hear the alarm go off from getting no sleep, and you'll be good to go. Now, when you approach the item, all you must do is stop flexing your muscle, and because your body will become so weak, you will fall on the ground, where the item is reachable. PS: This excersize may cause extreme brain damage due to loss of common blood flow. You may also find it very hard to breath the next day.



Problem: You keep pushing the kitchen wall, but the refrigerator door just won't open.

Answer: Simply take a string, tie it from the fridge door handle to a shelf or drawer, so when you push on it, the string will tightening and open the door. PS: Be sure to use a strong enough string, and some doors have side effects and will not close automatically after you.



Problem: You move all of your first-aid kits closer to the computer.

Answer: Well there's nothing wrong with this, just gotta play it safe. PS: if you cut yourself badly in another room, it may take some time to get to the first-aid and you may not make it. Just like those times you wish you never used all the health packs in DOOM when you really need them.



Problem: You get nervous when the elevator door opens at work.

Answer: There are two ways of solving this. Either A, take the stairs which most buildings have. Or if you must take the elevator, be sure to stand in front of a helpless old woman or a child who you could easily out run or trip if anything was to happen.



Problem: You use your alarm clock to tell you when to go to bed.

Answer: This will actually help you over-come your addiction. Unlike just looking at a clock, an alarm cock makes you literally get up to turn it off. Which is more effective to get you to stop playing.



Problem: You feel lousy and look down for the status bar.

Answer: Tape 2 toilet paper rolls over your eyes so it is impossible to look down. Soon you will completely forget about the status bar. Another way to help is to play on 100% zoomed screen, so in DOOM there is no status bar.



Problem: Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.
Answer: Get a new computer where you don't know how to make it do such a thing.



Problem: You slide sideways down a corridor to avoid a co-worker.

Answer: This is not an addiction, many DOOM players may think it is when then notice themselves doing so for their first real job. But that's just work for ya baby.



Problem: You fall off your chair ducking when someone shoots a rocket at you in Deathmatch.

Answer: Well it's time for a new chair. You can easily steal one from the hospital which has arm, leg and head straps on them. Just enough movement to be able to move your hands, not enough to move your body. PS: You may need someone to stap on your last arm, doing this yourself is imposible no matter how hard you try. And no... God won't do it for you either.



Problem: You have to clean your mouse every 2 days instead of every 2 months.

Answer: Simply rotate between your mouse and your keyboard between levels. Doing so will get you at least 6 to 8 days between cleanings.



Problem: You refuse to get close to the recycle barrel at the office.

Answer: Change it to a green colored box, this will make it look like a box of hand gun ammo and will attract you to it.



Problem: You dress up as your favorite DOOM character for Halloween and your friends still know who you are.

Answer: Just remember, it's not the costume that matter, it's the size and power of the real gun you're pointing at them.



Problem: Your girlfriend packs her stuff and leaves you. She swears that you love your stupid game more than you love her... and you could care less that she's leaving!

Answer: Do what I did, buy a few used computers and get you friends to come over and let them try to take you out on a 4 vrs. 1 game.



I hoped this helped you all out. And I hope that you all like our upcoming movie, DOOM. ;)