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Article - 'N00bism' by Angroth

An item about Miscellanious posted on Jan 14, 2004

Blurb

A little fun concerning the n00b topic.

Body

N00bism: The Art of being a N00b


What is a n00b?
A n00b is someone who has very little experience with something (nope, the genitals don’t count!). Everyone was (or for the unfortunate people, are) a n00b at some point in their life, it’s inevitable; if you’re new to something, you’re inexperienced and therefore classed as one.

How can you distinguish a n00b?
N00bs tend to do some of the following:
1 - Make a one lined comment about something serious like ‘Shuop yuar fool cuz I ize betterr’. And also without justification or any though they also somehow lose punctuation with their comment, it could at least look more like this ‘Shuop yuar fool; I ize betterr!!’
2 - They will ask really ridiculous questions that only someone like Tony Blair would have the mind to ask. ‘Why can’t I walk on walls?’ Is probably a more serious, rational and compehendable question than one they might ask. Fair enough they may not know much but is there really any need to slurr out of context with hazey unclarified comments that make no sense and ask questions to which the meanings of are unknown to this world or so obvious that a slug covered in salt has more chance of understanding and noticing?!?! No, nuff said!
3 - N00bs almost always stand out. On GW, even if you only have 2 posts you might not be a n00b in attitude and appearance. N00bs somehow have a way of choosing a rather shoddy avvy and stand out a mile off with a triple post+:
‘YARS FERST POSST!!’
‘HO NOES! I WUZ SCEOND!’
‘Sowwy for tehe tripple poste!’
‘Don’t ban me pleeeeeeaaaase!!’

That’s an example of an over-the-top version of something I saw once…. Seriously!!

How can you become a non-n00b?
Stay in line, don’t do anything nobody else wouldn’t do that’s stupid. Don’t ask too many questions because the answers come soon enough. Be confident and act like you know lots even if you end up justifying stupid points that you have said which make no sense!

101 ways to kill a n00b!
001 - Spill boiling water upon one’s face for a scalding effect which should hopefully leave horrific scars.
002 - Drive a long, sharp and rusty knife into ones chest and twist the blade upon impact; the wound will not heal.
003 - Repeatedly thrust your fist into ones genitals for a fast takedown. (If it’s a female you might get done for rape! :S )
004 - Tie one to a tree with hard tight knots that will not allow the n00b to move thus meaning they will starve to death.
005 - Dunk one’s head under a large amount of water and do not release the grip until the body ceases to move.
006 - Squeeze the throat to dissallow oxygen flow to the brain. A sustained effect will be suffication.
007 - Drop a large object such as a boulder upon their head and body to crush them.
008 - Take a sharp object and skillfully cut and slash at one until (s)he is broken in sunder.
009 - Use dark magic to banish one back to the hellish realm from whence they came.
010 - Pour holy water across them which should hopefully burn them to death.
011 - Shape your hand into a curved position and chop into their neck. This will move back the muscles in their neck and create a bubble of air which will hit the brain and kill them or render them unconscious at least.
012 - Use a knife to cut open their chest and pull their heart out.
013 - Take a deadly poison and place it within one of their beverages.
014 - Use a bandana to quickly tie a knot around their neck whereby you can hang them from a higher object.
015 - Push them infront of a fast object such as a car or truck.
016 - Shove them off a high location, Eiffel Tower is probably the best choice!
017 - Place them in a room full of commodo dragons.
018 - Take a pillow or another similar item and ram fiercly into their face whilst applying much pressure until they cease to struggle.
019 - Take your palm and forcefully strike up at the nose. Correct action should send the nose’s bone into the brain.
020 - Take a spoon and repeatedly knock them on the head until they die of boredom! (my favourite!!)
Agh! I’m bored, there’s an infinate amount of things you could do… Just use your imagination!

It’s all in good fun!
Sorry to any n00bs out there and to anyone who has been a n00b. This was simply a little bit of fun and if you are not offended then…. great! If not then that’s good to! :D I’d like to finish by saying that not all n00bs are like this and no, I do not wish to kill all n00bs. Again sorry and nuff said!