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Article - 'Mailbag Issue #028' by Belross

An item about Miscellanious posted on Jan 14, 2004

Blurb

Chock full of the musky, irresistible charm of Belross, this Mailbag will get you hornier than a kangaroo on the 4th of July.

Body

ou all may be wondering: "What the frig is Belross doing writing up the
Mailbag?!" Well my friends, there is a very complex and frightening explanation
for this event, which would be best told in the form of a diary entry. Observe.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003


5:27 PM

Faust approaches me on IRC, and after a few dozen lines in which he repeats
"I am GLORIOUS XDDD" the following conversation takes place:


<Faust> Hey fatty, I'm feeling lazy, write up the Mailbag for me, bitch.

<Belross> F**k no, Faust, I'm even more lazy than you. Why should I, bitch
bitch?

<Faust> Bitch, because yo mama is so fat that you have to do the Mailbag,
comprende, Senor Bitch?

<Belross> Yo bitch, you're such a bitch that you should be crowned King
Bitch and do the Mailbag, bitch!

<Faust> Bitch, bitch you have to bitch the bitch Mailbag, bitch! :D :D
:D

<Belross> Bitch no, bitch, bitch bitch Mailbag bitch bitch. XD

<Faust> XDDD bitch bitch bitch pain puppy bitch bitch GLORIOUS bitch Mailbag!

<Belross> Ok then, bitch.

<Faust> Damn right, bitch.


And that's EXACTLY how it happened, bitch! Laugh it up!


6:45 PM

I haven't done the Mailbag yet, because I'm not technically Staff and so don't
really have access to the Magical Funtime Happy Staff Access Page of Carrots
and Balloons. I ask MrY for the access, but he doesn't know it. Then I ask Faust
for the access, and he doesn't know it either. My friends, these are the people
who RUN THIS SITE. Be afraid, be very very afraid. For my sake, at least.


8:02 PM

Still no access, still no Mailbag. So instead, I eat a pickle. It was quite
tasty. It reminded me of Bart, because it was a Polish dill pickle, and had
about as many warts as him. ZING! (Please don't ban me omg)


10:30 PM

I finally pester Bart into adding me to the Staff Access, or whatever mysterious
administrative action he has to do. Instead of finally doing my work, I go play
FFX and watch Powerpuff Girls. Yeah, that's right. Go ahead and take a shot,
bitch!


12:05 PM

It's pretty late now, and I'm tired and feel like crap from drinking nothing
but Dr Pepper all day. My eyeballs seem like they'll fall out of my head if
I lean forward, I have a toothache, my dogs won't stop barking, and I can't
get the TV channel off of the Emergency Broadcast System Test. It's a shame
I'm too lazy to just unplug it. I figure I'm in perfect condition to attempt
the Mailbag. So here it is; Mailbag #028.




x34truthx34 writes:

"Broken pictures, the forums arent working.... Barty, what's going on?"

I don't know what you're talking about, man. The forums work fine for me. I
guess that you're just "special." And by "special," what
I really mean is "shitty."


Nazza wants to know:

"could anyone help me? I wan't info on how to make a good rpg!"

Actually, Nazza, you could find lots of advice on the GamingW Forums. While
I don't recommend simply making a post that says "How do I make a good
RPG?!" you could read other people's ideas, play other people's games,
and generally study the features of games that make them "good."


Xanqui hopes:

"I sure hope that Faust answers the mailbag this week...or at least Mr.Y."

No such luck, pal, no such luck! You're stuck with ME now! Feel the
fear, feel the fear! Repeat myself, repeat myself!


Golin KNar has the most original hypothetical situation ever devised:

"Where would you go if you stumbled on a time maching? Would it be the
past, the future, a far away distance, or a completly new reality all together?"

That's one groovy time maching, if it also travels great distances and also
into completly new realities! Well, since it can do all those things, I'd travel
through the various dimensions of space until I found a world where people would
worship me eternally. I have simple tastes.


Bisse drops a line:

"Oh my god, A SERIOUS QUESTION! Who decides which projects get's their
own forum under "Featured and hosted projects?""

Well, the Administrators do. All of them have the power to add a forum, so
if you talk to one of them and present your ideas, it is possible that you might
get your own forum! And if you really believe that, there is a certain bridge
in San Francisco I'd like to sell you.


F18Fett wants my hot body:

"LOVE MEEEE!!!! MAKE LOVE TO MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Oh my, I get sprung just reading that! Here, let me give you my home address.


Tri-tail is clueless:

"Hey FAUST! Just wondering if you had a girlfriend for some reason... =o"

You must not be very involved in the community, if you don't even know about
Faust's sexual status. Of course he has a girlfriend! I hear Alex and him are
very happy. ZING! (Please don't ban me omg)


Ultimate Pika makes me sad with:

"Well,Im going to make a game based on some kind of virus,or something
else..But I don't make or know how to make those kind of tutorials like Shattered
Samuria,But in this you have a gun with a Limited suply of bullets and you know,I
also need charsets with guns and some Futuristic Chipsets....I mean chipsets
that look like now,Oh I need you to make A tutorial Acctually on RPG maker so
I can use it instead of me making it,But whoever want's to help I'll give you
credit.....Email me at pikachu_25_vivi@hotmail.com if you want to help out..............."

Dear God man, I honestly have no fucking idea what you just said. Someone
email this guy at pikachu_25_vivi@hotmail.com and ask him what the hell he meant.
I'm too emotionally drained to do it myself.


F18Fett persists with:

"WHERE IS THE MAILBAG!?!?!? I WAN'T AN ANSWER ON MY LAST QUESTION!!!
WHY WILL YOU NOT MAKE HOT LOVE TO ME?? I NEED WEBSITE DESIGNER SEX RIGHT NOW!!!!!!1"

Please stop stalking me! I don't know who you are, but you have major issues!
Don't you realize that I am a real person too? God damnit, I'm not just a piece
of meat, okay?! Stop treating me like a mere sex object!


Desfunk breaks the tedium with:

"It's time to bring up my hatred, for this community? NO WAY! For these
lame ass reviewers? YES!!! That is what i shall talk about. Why do you guys
allow such IDIOTIC reviews to be made? I go through seeing what people think
of games, and i stumble across a comment that is one sentance, barely even in
english, and doesn't give a review for the game at all. Is there anything that
can be done about these moronic reviews on peoples games? Or is this just a
lost cause, and we'll have to live with the lameness? (Mind you, there are some
good reviews out there... but VERY few at that)"

We don't "allow" the reviews to be made. But the truth is that
it's hard to stop them. People will make shit reviews no matter what we do,
because, well, there are shitty reviewers out there who continue to make them.
Perhaps there should be a system of voting on reviews, and that too many bad
votes on a review gets it deleted? Wow, that would be ironic. If you have any
ideas on how to alleviate the shitty review problem, perhaps you should discuss
it with an Admin.


jamicus wants to say:

I want to know why most of the rm2k games i play have totally crappy storylines,
I play one, and then I think "Ok, Thats the worst and most boring game
I've ever played" then I play another and it resets the whole damn scale
with its level of shitiness. And just ONCE would I like to see an RPG that is
made on the the RM2K that has equal levels of Fun, Challenge and Plot, Most
fail in all categories. I just thought I'd let you all know that, So that before
you put out your games, that you think, And I mean REALLY think about whether
or not your game is ready to be put on this site. HOT DAMN ! I like cheese...........and
Garlic.

I agree that there are really alot of crap games out there (I won't name
names) but you aren't looking hard enough if you don't think that there are
ANY good games out there. Haven't you played A Blurred Line? The Way? Legion
Saga? I could go on and on. If you play those and still say that there are no
decent RM2k games, than you need to lower your standards. After all, these are
amateur game makers who do it in their spare time, not professionals.


Bisse says:

"When will i become staff? I know you really want me, but i havent
heard anything from you guys! ...and have you ever had sex with a panda,
a seal and a horse simultaneously?"

The reason you aren't staff is because you didn't sexually satisfy the panda,
nor the seal, and not even the horse. Take a kama sutra class and we may let
you in.


Jag gripes:

"Why don't we just rename this site to "RM2k(3) World?"
That's what it is nowadays, if you don't use RM2k(3) you only get flamed/ingored,
it's sad and pathetic."

Sad AND pathetic, eh? Don't you think that's kind of harsh? You see, not
everyone has the determination to learn something advanced like Sphere or a
programming language. RM2k and 2k3 are easy to use, so people prefer to use
them. I agree that it would be nice if more people gave time to more advanced,
superior makers. But that will never happen until the GOOD gamemakers are easy
enough for the majority of us to use.




And this is where I answer the most commonly asked question in the mailbag:
"Where can I download RM2k3?" You guys, you really need to stop asking
this. For one thing: none of us are willing to tell you publicly how to get
it. Just about all of the Staffers despise RM2k/3 and will not help you get
it. Telling you where to obtain RM2k3 is also somewhat illegal. Didn't you notice
that we don't give links to RM2k on the main site either? Ok, if you REALLY
want to get dirty old RM2k3 (which sucks in my opinion, I actually prefer RM2k)
then find someone who you know has it, and simply ask them in private where
they got it. Capice?


Well that's all, folks. Hoped you enjoyed TEH MALEBAG. Peace out.