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Article - 'How To Make Good Tomato Juice in 3 Simple Steps.' by Fighter

An item about Humour posted on Jan 14, 2004

Blurb

Yes. An article on how to make tomato juice, that's good.

Body

How To Make Good Tomato Juice in 3 Simple Steps.

A brilliant article by Fighter.

As we all know, tomato juice usually tastes nasty, and regardless, it cannot be made good, so naturally, we are curious about how to actually make it good. You see, rpgmaking and tomato juice have a lot in common, they are both easy to drink, but leave a nasty aftertaste. So, without further ado, I give you how to make Tomato Juice in 3 Easy Steps.

First, and most importantly, you must find a tomato, however, this is no easy feat, tomatoes, sadly, cannot be bought off the internet, so you must pull your lazy self out of the computer chair and drive over to the nearest tomato store. You see, tomato juice just doesn't make itself, you have to make it yourself, obviously, and what relevance that had to this article I don't know, but anyway, you must find a place that sells tomatoes, so why not look for your nearest tomato store? Why not? Simply because tomatoes don't come in stores, you have to grow them yourself, what were you, raised on a site called gamingw or something? Pfft..losers. So obviously, you must get seeds to grow this infamous plant, who is sheerly known for how hard it is to grow. It takes months upon hard working, and sweat dropping down your rugged face before you can ever dream of making tomato juice, and even longer if you want that tomato juice good. You people have a long ways to go.

Recommend places to buy tomato seeds:

Wal-Mart
McDonalds
A Ketchup Factory

Of course not! No one sells tomato seeds anymore, you just have them for no reason, I can't believe you guys didn't know that.




Second, you must find a place to plant the seeds that you owned the whole time. Yes, you people are on the computer, so you must be nerds who live in apartments, or outside in boxes in city streets, so where are you gonna plant these seeds? Why, that's easy, you go to the nearest neighbor who has a nice grassy backyard, and plant them there. No need to ask, they don't care, at all, I mean that kind of stuff always happens in Rpgs so it must be right. Oh well, after barging in through their house and to their backyard, you notice that the seeds sit there and do nothing, also, you notice that there is some wierd, smooshy, yet soft surface under your feet, yes, this stuff is called dirt, which is Italian for stuff under you feet, and you need a key tool to rid of this dirt stuff, it's known as a shovel. Since the neighbors obviously let you barge through their house, they don't care if you steal their shovel to continue on your quest to make tomato juice, so why worry? Oh, you are having a tough time finding this shovel thing eh? Well, in such a case, pick the nearest tool, and subsitute it instead, and in this case, it will be a hammer. Now, the next part is easy, you take the tool, and hit the ground, and scrape it repetitivly, soon it dissappears, although you nerds are too weak, you should try benching 450 in one hand like me, pfft. Anyways, take the seeds, and submerge them into the wierd dirt substance that you dug up, and pile the scraped dirt on top of the seeds, now you must get water, no need to worry, since it will obviously rain while you are sleeping. So, take a break, and let the tomato plant grow, and before going any further, you must give it a name, for an example, we will name the plant Jimmy.



Third, after a hard 15 minute's work yesterday, you must wake up to a nice sunny day that is perfect, if not, fall back asleep and wake up the next day, repeat this process. If it is however sunny, you must hurry out the door with a cup, some water, and some sugar, run to the neighbor's yard, and check out Jimmy's progress. If you followed my instructions right(I doubt that losers), you should see a huge plant type thing, with wierd red objects hanging off from a green string. Those are a key substance to making tomato juice, they are called tomatoes, and what a coincedence it is that they are part of tomato juice's name. Regardless, pull one off of the green string, easily, since you losers can't withstand the pressure, and grasp it tightly, hold the cup under the tomato and squeeze the so called tomato, a wierd substance, reddish orangish color pours itself into the cup, AMAZING. You have just made your tomato juice, and how easy was that? Repeat this process, with say, 1337 tomatoes, since that's a cool number, unlike you guys. So, now you should have a cup full of this odd tomato juice, take a sip. Yes, it tastes nasty, but of course it does, it isn't good, I never told you that part yet, dorks. So, the sugar that you took with you should be applied within the tomato liquid substance juice stuff, take your finger and mix carefully, you must keep your white skincolor. Now, poor some of that water in your other hand into the mixture, and stir again. You have now officially made good tomato juice, in three steps, but since you are a loser, it means nothing. Go home and cry to your mom, and give it to her for a happy treat, she'll buy you a new computer loser. HAHA get a life nerds.






This is a thing I like to call a joke, and if you weren't smart enough to figure that out already..disregard this statement.
-Fighter with another pointless article that is useful.