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Article - 'A Look Back Part 2' by Rowain

An item about Miscellanious posted on Jan 14, 2004


Rowain strikes back, this time funnier than ever. His target is Quest64, prepare for some "hardcore" bashing.


The crap of yesteryear: Part 2
Quest 64, for the Nintendo 64


Ever wonder what it would be like to have 400 volt jumper cables attached to your nippes while setting five rabid wolverines loose in your pants? Thankfully, you can now simulate this experience in the comfort of your own room without the hassle of smuggling wolverines out of whatever backwater country they come from.

Released in, say, 1998, Quest 64 brought a time-tested genre to a brand new system in... well, not style. Not even in modest attractivness. It brought a time-tested genre to a brand new system in a box with cover art that resembled the stool of a fat man named Percy and hype that could almost be compared to the Enter the Matrix videogame.

But was it worth the acclaim it recieved before its release? Did all the empty hype amount to anything?


If it's possible, Quest 64 may be the worst RPG ever made. And this is against EVERY bad RPG ever made.

So let's break it down and see what I'm getting at, shall we?

First, the story which was so bad that it made students in Grade 1 English classes vomit with fury and digust. Basically, bad shit is happening and you have to kill guys to make it stop. There's something about your dad and magic floating balls of light in there, but I chose to preserve precious brain power and remember something more important: always scratch your balls in private, or when somebody has their back turned. It's true.

Second, the main character. I swear to god, he would make the people at RPG Losers Anonymous piss themselves laughing. I mean seriously. I could see it now:

The main character: "Hello, my name is Brian. I'm an 11 year old dork with a pigs butt for a face and a tuft of overgrown pubic hair sticking out of my head. My hobbies include collecting balls of energy from stacks of hay, singing karoke, whacking forest animals with my curly staff and dying. When I was three, I was molested by a cleric at the cathedral I grew up in."


I'm not kidding, he really has a pubic hair growing out of his head. In fact, the greatest graphical effect is when it moves as you run, although the game over screen was a close second.

Did I mention his name was Brian?

Third, the combat. Holy crap. I'm not sure how to put this into words. It's basically about trying to dodge the enemy and then whacking them with your almighty stick of curly wood. You can use magic too, but the time required to do so vs. the damage done really just negates the usefulness.

Fourth: the level up system, or lack thereof. Every battle yields points, and occasionally your HP raises by 1. This will prompt the banging of your head against your TV when you realize it'll likely take you a month to "level up" enough to survive a single hit from the first boss. God knows how I made it to the third one... I must have been a really stupid kid.
The equipment management isn't much better. You can't upgrade your weapon, you can't upgrade your armour, and you can only carry one of each item since you never get any money and people randomly give you healing items and such whenever you have none. Does it make sense? No. Is it utterly retarded? Yeah, pretty much.
Magic? Yeah, except to improve it, you collect the aforementioned balls of light or something. I never used magic, I just whacked the enemies with my almighty staff of bent wood.

Let's do a few quickies now:

*One of the clerics at the cathedral you start at is named Marmaduke which nearly made me shit my pants laughing

*An RPG called "Quest" is bound to suck harder than a whore in debt

*This game is living proof that God has forsaken us, or at least the Nintendo 64.

*He has a fucking PUBIC HAIR ON HIS HEAD. HELLO.

*The dungeons take about 5 hours to beat, although that may be because of how you get turned around after battles.

*If you really need anymore evidence, then you need mental help.

So, that's about it. I hope this was educational to some of you at least. Until next time!