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Article - 'Mailbag #28' by Xanqui

An item about Humour posted on Apr 16, 2004

Blurb

Xanqui is the host for this mailbag! Isn't that cool? Well, he thinks it is. Will his new style be as good as the original mailbags? FIND OUT NOW!

Body

Okay, so I kept begging someone to do the mailbags, but Faust was all like “Hey Xanqui, that other guy does it.” So I just decided to do it myself. Don’t like me? Tough. At least I haven’t insulted you or anything in this mailbag…yet.

Anyway, my constant bothering the administrators about the mailbag was NOT for me to write one. However, Bart just said anyone could do it. So here I am, with my very FIRST mailbag…EVER!

Oh yeah, and this is number 28! That’s almost 30! Does that make me special? I don’t know… Okay, onto the replies!



ProjectSpam spams the submission with his comment:
Pimpin'! GW5 is truly da shiznit. The old GW was totally phat with a capital 'P', da spankin' new version is crunchy for mah homegrown funky peeps. Word. ... Okay, that's enough of that, I'm not very good with that kind of stuff...
Anyway, keep up the good work, and I'm expecting even better in the future. YAY!


Xanqui: Oh gee, my first reply has to be to something I don’t even understand. First of all, I have a question. If GW is “totally phat with a capital ‘P’,” then why not just call it “totally Phat.”? See how the P is capitalized? Anyway, no one misses GW4, except for stupid people who don’t realize how awesome GW5 really is. As for the good work, I can’t take the credit for that. I haven’t written any articles lately, but I’ve been posting articles by GWers. Anyway, Spammy, I’m an English tutor now, so if I receive this kind of bad grammar, I’ll have to point out the errors. For now, I’ll be kind.



imaekphp, a beloved #gamemaker dude, asks me this question:
leol. whats a gaminworld.? i ththink it ahavs something to do with RM@K.b

Xanqui: GamingWorld is not a physical entity, actually. It’s a database consisting of games made by amateurs and forums for people with projects to discuss just about anything. Though GW isn’t much of a Gaming place anymore, it is still a world where nerds like you and I can talk to other nerds. I love it.



sappling submitted this amusing thing…well, it’s not really amusing, but what the hey:
MAILBAAAAAG!
COME ON MAYELBAAAG!
get your Mailbag T-Shirts an souvenirs!


Xanqui: I was never aware of Mailbag merchandise. Though the mailbag secretly steals your credit card information* every time you read it, it’s a non-profit** thing for GW.

* Honestly, I don’t even know how to hack my OWN computer.
** Profit would be nice though. Donate to GW!



GamemasterX throws this important message at me:
I have a small wang

wait...


Xanqui: I never knew “wang” isn’t in the Microsoft Word dictionary. I’ll have to fix that. See, the cool thing about the Internet is that no one you know in real life will ever read that. And if they do, it doesn’t matter, because you probably announced it to them. How do I figure that? Well, you told us. That’s kinda weird. Well, there are a bunch of enlargement ads all over the Internet. You might be able to take advantage of them…but seriously, I’m not therapist. My advice is really only my opinion. Don’t trust me.



tjoffe comments the universe with a single word:
meh

Xanqui: That’s not even a complete sentence you twat.



Ronin asks a question regarding entertainment:
Does anyone watch the Surreal Life?

Xanqui: Seeing as I’m the only person who can answer that, I’m going to assume I represent society, and thus can answer this for them. I don’t watch the show, and thus, no one does. In fact, the show is being cancelled due to lack of viewers: Me. At least, I’m assuming that. I have no idea.



Golin_Knar seems to be lonely:
Whatever happend to Kazeuri?

Xanqui: Well, Kazeuri was supposed to be writing mailbags, but I think due to him not getting along with anyone in mIRC, he left GW or something. I don’t know, Faust said something about it a few days ago. However, Kezay has been around quite a bit. His name sounds like Kaze…if you change around the letters and add a few and take a few away. Holy crap! They’re like the same person! Phew! I got out of answering that one!



RPGENIX obviously hasn’t read the rules of GW:
Can anyone tell me where to download RPGmaker2000/2003?

Xanqui: No sir, Rm2k is NOT allowed to be downloaded. It’s illegal. However, programs such as Sphere and GameMaker are free. They’re more difficult to use, but they’re pretty cool. GW stands firm in it’s position regarding these arguments, and we will not allow links to sites that illegally host rm2k or rm2k3. It’s a ban-worthy offense.



bosko seems to have just arrived from the 1300’s!
i heard the earth is flat is it true???

Xanqui: First of all, I’ve never been in space, but I have been to both sides of the planet. I’ve also been on a cruise, and saw the horizon of the ocean. Still, I haven’t been convinced the world is actually round. I bet those scientists are just making fools out of us by making us say the Earth is a sphere. I suggest you alter your goals in life to find out the true answer to this question. You could make a breakthrough in science!



Flik says something that doesn’t even deserve a comment:
mine penis fall off, :(

Xanqui: Seek medical attention. Quickly.



MasterDarkNinja bothers me in my own friggin’ mailbag. What a jerk:
Does pie really taste like pie? :o
(Note: I noticed when I sent it earlier my name wasn't on it so I'm just sending it again)


Xanqui: If pie doesn’t taste like pie, then what does the latter taste like? Is there some sort of “true” pie out there that I’ve not tasted? If so, then there must not be many, thus making these “fake” pies the real pies. But if the new real pies aren’t the “true” pies then what are the fake pies?



MrY, who still hasn’t left GW, beckons:
Where is Mailbag no. #28, bizzatches?

Xanqui: Right here, pal. I’d give you the finger, but I don’t have the Internet.



gamegod333 asks:
i want the dl the god of cheese that dark priest i think use to have on here can you do that?

Xanqui: I’m assuming you’re referring to the song that was here in GW4. I have no idea, actually. Yes, I could do that, if I had the song, and if I knew how to work the Staff Panel PROPERLY. But I’m sure your question isn’t THAT urgent, considering you sent it to the mailbag. You should try asking in another place…with better writing skills.



Turkpimp writes:
MrY would rather have a MALE-bag.

LOLOLOL.

Xanqui: Oh! I get it! It’s a pun! Mail sounds like male! I get it! But MrY isn’t into that stuff. Not yet at least.



darkmax is interested in my personal life:
What's your favorite game?

Xanqui: Well, before last weekend, it was Final Fantasy VII. But right now my favorite game is Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Solitaire is pretty kick-ass too.



mstymdnght with a weird name with no vowels asks:
i don`t know if i have the right place to ask this question but if i don`t can you tell me where to post it please? when i try to play the game demon legacy it says cannot open file hero 4 can you tell me what i am missing to play this please and where i can find it ty.

Xanqui: You probably need the 1.32 patch for rm2k or something of the like. I never had any troubles playing this game, but I’ve always had that patch on. You could try downloading the file again from another mirror.



Rebekahwsd writes:
Dear GamingW,
I go away for a few weeks, and what happens? You go and make GW5! I'm impressed, but where's the difference? And what's with this gwradio? It doesn't seem to work on my computer. Also, the fact that the mailbags took over the site happened in the short (relatively) time that I was gone. I can't read all of them! Ah well, I'll do my best. Oh. I can't get to mIRC thing. It goes to the wrong place. I've downloaded mIRC but now i don't know how to get to gamingw chat. Hm. Oh yah, Easy Mac 2 is cool. Bye!


Xanqui: My goodness! You’re going to give me a seizure with all of those thoughts jumbled into one mess of a paragraph! Firstly, we haven’t had more than three mailbags since like…July of last year. GWRadio is currently offline. There are tons of differences, but I’m not in the mood to explain them. It’s easier for the Staff to add content to the site though, which is pretty cool. I can’t help you with mIRC, I’m not the expert. Easy Mac 2 is great indeed. Ciao.



Demonslayer7 asks a redundant question:
What happened to the mailbag???

Xanqui: I DON’T KNOW! I SURE HOPE SOMEONE DOES IT SOMETIME!



animus asks a relatively intelligent question:
I recently looked at the games section, and realized there was no section for games that try to make learning fun, like Mario's Time MAchine, Mario is Missing, and some sesame street game I can't remember the name of... Does GW not host amatuer games that try to make learning fun? Is it because GW is attempting to further the ignorance of the current game scene? Or perhaps it is because Bart is a tyrannical GIT, that realized knowledge leads to free will, and free will leads to a revolt?

PLease clear this up for me.


Xanqui: Well, if people submit educational games, we would post them if they were playable and mildly fun. GW wasn’t made to be a second school experience anyway. But if you know people who have been making educational games, have them send them our way. The real reason people don’t make them is because they usually want to make the games fun and have great storylines. Education is the last thing on their minds.



Fallen_Spades begs us:
I've lost motivation in making my game...

WAAAA!!!!!!!

Seriously, any good tips on regaining them?


Xanqui: Good tips? No, not from me. Bad tips? Here’s one: Think of the children!



unl33t is getting desperate:
Will anyone give me a DSL connection in exchange for sexual favours?

Xanqui: DSL is awesome. I’ve had it for a little over a month now, and I couldn’t be happier with it. I have sympathy for the 56kers and especially the 26kers. That’s really sad…



Hundley stupidly asks:
do anal sex hurt????

Xanqui: Faust, our local gay dude, is better to answer this question.
Faust: Yes! The degree of pain depends on how gentle it is and how much lubricant is used, but yes; always hurt.
Xanqui: Wow. I learn something new every day.



Rudolph wants some bounty hunters:
Kill Foget please and Bart too.

Xanqui: Foget and Bart are awesome. If it weren’t for Bart, I wouldn’t be here! I’d be in some other lame game-making site. Foget is cool too. In fact, since you seem to be conspiring, I will have to have you removed from this site FOREVER.



Fallen_Spades says:
Answer the unanswerable question "WHY?"

Xanqui: You give this responsibility to mwah? Well, the correct answer to that is “why not?” It’s a psychology thing.



kaworu sends this to our mailbag:
Ho, Ho, Ho Merry X-mas boys and girls!
I'm a big fat jolly wanker!


Xanqui: What the hell? Why do people like to send their personal stuff to us? I don’t need to know that you’re a “wanker”. And Christmas is long over. Seek help.



battousaizero has a comment for us:
I love...beef. It's kinda like mmmm...beefy. Ever seen that commercial? It rocks...why? Cuz it's BEEFY. Cheese is evil, don't consume it, it's the spawn of the devil, you eat it...and you will DIE.

This has been another moment in the Pickle Goat Diaries.


Xanqui: I like beef as well, but I’m not going to talk about it. I don’t hate cheese, because it tastes good on beef. As for your diaries, I would suggest you find a different…and better name. Pickles and goats don’t mix. Have you ever tasted them together? The meat gets nasty and tastes rotten. I heard that more people drink goat’s milk than cow’s milk. Neat, huh?



Demonslayer7 pleads to us:
Why aren't I rich?

Xanqui: I don’t know. Maybe you’re just a failure at life.



MasterDarkNinja bothers me once again:
Why do people keep on telling me that I have absolutely no life outside of GW's forums?

Xanqui: It’s because you’re so active. But they could only figure that out by always being on GW as well. So laugh in their faces and say: “well, since you know that I have no life, you clearly don’t have one either.” I don’t care about my outside life. It’s the same thing as my GW life. Except GW is just text.



Angroth writes something that ISN’T an article!
/(.X.)\ <-- mmm my boday is sexay!

Xanqui: I’ve lost all respect I’ve ever had for you. Go fail in life now.



MasterDarkNinja sends this to us with a $100 bill attached to it:
If this is the mailbag then can you plz deliever this $100 dollar USA bill to my water company for me plz? You won't steal the money and keep it 4 yourself will u? :O

Xanqui: Why sure, MDN! I’d do anything for you! But you should see these sweet new games I bought with the $100 someone stupidly sent me. What a moron.



There…I answered all the questions that weren’t full of either stupid crap or profanity. In fact, I’m proud that this mailbag is like the only mailbag WITHOUT profanity…well, much, at least.

That’s my mailbag! I think it was pretty good, but that’s up to you to decide. 7 pages is quite a lot of work to do, and I had to be witty all the time. But now my life is complete!

Anyway, if you liked my mailbag, I can do more. If you didn’t like it, then too bad. I’ll probably do another eventually.

~Xanqui