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Article - 'Mailbag #30' by Xanqui

An item about Humour posted on May 12, 2004

Blurb

Xanqui has another mailbag, and it's number thirty! What kinds of exciting things will be in this mailbag? You'll have to look for yourself!

Body

Hello! And welcome to my second Mailbag. I’ve been working on this one in secret, using only a few submissions each day, so that no one would really notice. Cool, huh? Anyway, most of the other mailbag writers have some sort of intro, so I’ll do that this time. So I have decided to see what would happen if Faust and Bart were to be thrown into an arena and FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

But since I can’t get the two together in real life to fight, I’ll have to run various tests to simulate the actual fight.

ROUND ONE: Google Search
Bart and Faust competed by using google.com to see who had the most search results.
Faust: about 2,630,000
Bart: about 3,800,000
The winner: Bart

ROUND TWO: Random IRC Poll
I asked who would win in a fight, and gave them exactly one minute to answer.
Faust: 2 votes
Bart: 0 votes
The winner: Faust

ROUND THREE: Ask Jeeves Search
What better way to find out than to Ask Jeeves?
Results: There were no results on this…Apparently Jeeves can’t answer every question imaginable.
The Winner: Draw

ROUND FOUR: Stick Death Battle
I don’t go to this site often, so I will watch a random stick death battle to see who wins. Right = Faust, Left = Bart.
Results: Unfortunately, most of the stickdeath battles were either a single guy killing everyone, or a guy losing his manhood.
The Winner: Draw

ROUND FIVE: The Facts
Let’s test them with THE FACTS!
Faust: Long hair, lives in England, loved by most GWers
Bart: Big, short hair, lives in Canada, loved by ALL GWers.
The Winner: Bart

ROUND SIX: PM Bart and ASK Him!
I asked Bart who would win! He has one minute to answer!
The Results: Bart didn’t answer in the allotted time.
The Winner: Faust

THE WINNER IS: DRAW!
We have no winner…I suppose they’ll shoot each other in the first few seconds and die from blood loss. Too bad!

Now, onto the submissions!

ATARI sends:
Guess what. Jesus loves you

Xanqui: Now, which Jesus are you referring to exactly? Are you assuming that I would think of the Bible guy when I heard this name? Well guess what, buddy: the name “Jesus” is used by people still living today. How do you know they love me? In fact, I don’t think they’d get along with me very well, let alone love me.


kaworu is desperate to ask these questions three:
I have a few questions for yous guys...
1.Why am I the lord of the flies?
2.Why does Team Fortress Classic rock so much???
3.Where is teh homosex we are always offered?

Also, during a freak ski-ing accident I was possessed by the ghost of Comm1. He wanted me to make him GW's admin without having the powers to do so. How can I get rid of this evil spirit????


Xanqui: I suppose I have to answer these, don’t I?
1. The Lord of the Flies was a rotting pig head. Are you saying you’re a rotting pig head? YOU KILLED SIMON YOU SON-OF-A- sorry, I need to calm down. I just liked him a lot, but that damn pig head lead to the coolest character’s death. WHY?!?!

2. Wait…Team Fortress is a Half-Life mod, isn’t it? The only mod I really cared for was Natural Selection. Why was NS cool? It just was, okay? But that game brings back awful memories of wasting hours of LAN Party time playing that game when we could have been rocking on Tron 2.0.

3. I don’t recall ever offering you “homosex”. In fact, any forms of sex over the internet are discouraged, due to the dangers of cutting appendages with sharp metal parts.

As for your last question, I have one thing to say: why the hell would you want to lose the spirit of Comm1?


An Anonymous User thinks the mailbag has something to do with the law…
I have an insane urge for pleading the case of Comm1. Can you tell me why I MAKE COMM1 MODERATOR NO ADMIN I MUST RESIST NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And why ADMIN COMM1 YEH did Impeal give COMM1 RUL noes anyways why did Impeal give Comm1 this COMM1 YEH idea anyway? Now he is COMM1 ADMIN MOD a persistant little bastard. How should I take revenge against COMM1 RULTZ Impeal?


Xanqui: I don’t know who you are, but I’ll refer to you as “Joe” from now on. I’m leaving in all that HTML you put in there just to see what will happen once this gets posted, Joe. Anyway, as for your message; I really don’t understand what you’re asking me to do…if you’re asking anything at all. I’ve read over a bunch of stuff, but it’s all mindless babbling. If you require legal assistance, try www.whitehouse.gov (not .com!). They will be more than happy to listen to your plea…whatever it is


Jake_The_Thief smuggled this submission in:
Did you know Noah's Arc was found on Mars? I learned that in the Weekly World News.

Xanqui: Really? Sheesh, we could be millionaires if we built a space ship and went and got it! Then again, we’d have to be billionaires in order to build the ship…Damn, we really need to figure something out. I know! Go out and buy a 50 gallon laundry basket, a box of pencils, two frag grenades, three thousand feet of tin foil, a roll of duct tape, twelve gallons of water (for food), and a poster for End of Evangelion. Get that stuff and meet me on that big hill in San Francisco, which should be high enough to get us into space. I’ll be waiting there tonight at 12.


Zakusan thinks we care:
hey you guys im kinda new but if ya wanna gettonnes more business get Naruto srites and stuff from the game .Naruto is one of the biggest animes in Japan right now!

Xanqui: I’ve taken the liberty to underline all of your spelling/grammar errors. Anyway, after six hours of using the famous “Enigma”, I managed to figure out that this wasn’t in fact Morse Code using the underlined words as a means of showing the long beeps. This is just poor spelling.

Now, I’m not saying I’m a huge anime guy, but I did a Google search on this show, and all I saw were boring pictures. What kind of awesome anime show doesn’t have swords in EVERY SECOND? Surely, GW doesn’t want to promote such atrocities!

Anyway, just how would we use an anime to provide us with more money, er, business? I’m certain Bart isn’t willing to use his home as a storage facility for action figures, but then again, he’s Polish.


Tool provides us with some useful information:
The use of high-energy radiation from x-rays, gamma rays, neutrons, and other sources to kill cancer cells and shrink tumors. Radiation may come from a machine outside the body (external-beam radiation therapy), or it may come from radioactive material placed in the body near cancer cells (internal radiation therapy, implant radiation, or brachytherapy). Systemic radiation therapy uses a radioactive substance, such as a radiolabeled monoclonal antibody, that circulates throughout the body.

Xanqui: Right…I don’t have cancer, so I wouldn’t know, actually. But for those of you who do have cancer, I recommend you pay close attention to this. If you can build some sort of radioactive machine, you could save yourself! Or you could use a knife…but that’s kind of gross.


Fytr thinks he knows everything:
Rowain is awesome. :<~~~

Xanqui: Rowain has special qualities, yes. But why are you speaking on behalf of him? Only the holder of awesomeness may state the fact that he is awesome. Since you didn’t know that rule, I’ll let it slide this time. But one more slip, and you’ll be off to the special place for special people…


HypocriticalApocalypse expresses his hypocritical statement:
Why do people put stupid questions in the mailbag? Is it so they can get noticed? I hope so. P.S. I love the mailbag :)

Xanqui: Originally, according to Faust, the mailbag was a place for people to ask questions. But once people realized the original mailbaggers would reply to just about anything, they took advantage of them. Shortly afterwards, a war broke out, resulting in the deaths of six innocent ameba. That’s where we get the theme for Final Fantasy 4. Anyway, you’ve been officially noticed, Hippopotamus.


Rhynir ponders:
What is the meaning of life, o fair mailbag?

Xanqui: Fair? You say the mailbag is FAIR?! The people who do the mailbags are GODS. Gods don’t have to be fair. As for the meaning of life: you need to serve us. Provide us with entertainment by going to war and killing your own kind as if you believe you’re actually important. We watch you on our hologram-o-visions each night, wondering how stupid you’re going to act that day! It’s so exciting!


abyssal_leviathin moronically writes:
Could you locte my sokc pupets?

Some fugger stole tem"!"


Xanqui: Hey, I never realized “moronically” is a real word! As I was typing the adjective for his writing, I thought it sounded funny, and when I expected the red squiggles to appear, they DIDN’T! This is so exciting!

Oh right; your sock puppets. Last I knew, there was a Lamb Chop’s protest at that Mongolian Restaurant in New Mexico. Sock puppets love to attend those, and sing that damned song “THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS”. I heard there was a ballet dance that goes with that song, which scares the crap out of me. In fact, most things about Sock Puppets scare me. Did you know that 23% of all sock-related deaths are because of sock puppets?* You should be careful, because they could return with an AK-47 and shoot you up! And by shoot up, I mean with the gun…not with drugs or something…

*This information may be slightly incorrect, or absolutely false


ANYWAY, that’s the mailbag for this week…or month…or however often these things are posted. I hope I answered your questions correctly and efficiently, because if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be doing my job!

I hope you enjoyed it, because it might be my last mailbag- or article- on GW ever.