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Article - 'My Life' by mastaff2

An item about Humour posted on Jul 12, 2004

Blurb

Um... how can I explain it? You'll either like this or hate it. I'm not sure why I'm adding it, but the submission bin was kinda empty, and I'm sure people will get some fun out of this. Anyway, it's just a humourous biography.

Body

MY LIFE
By Mastaff2

A look at the life of an average person with an extremely high-priced hair-cut. Unlike Bill Clinton's.

Introduction

Hello. You all know me as Mastaff2, most of you probably don't know me. But I'm going to tell you about my life. It's rather scary, rather weird, and rather confessional. Be prepared to learn about a person you don't want, and don't need to know. I'm about to tell you everything. I'm laying bare naked on a table. I mean- I'm laying it all on the table. :D

***NOTICE: THIS ARTICLE IS FOR HUMOR ONLY. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING /TOO/ SERIOUSLY. THANK YOU. ALSO: ANY SPELLING MISTAKES FOUND IN THE CONTEXT OF HUMOR ARE MEANT TO BE THERE. THANK YOU. AGAIN.***

Chapter One : Youngest Person With Criminal Record

Hello. My name is John. Really. My name is John. Not Wilbur, not Jack, not Edgar, not Edward, Nolan, Gray, Bart (-wink), Deon, William, Scott, or Larry. Especially not Larry. I hate the name Larry. Anyway, my cat's name is Ed. Just Ed. Not named after any particular anime character. Not a one. Yeah, can you tell I'm just itching to tell you everything? Yeah. Okay, here we go. I am a white caucasian male (although, if you're black I can get a tan and send you a picture, pretending to be a REALLY light colored black) and I'm sixteen years old. I drive a White Bronco, and the police chase me down the highways all the time. I'm not sure why, they always say "Sorry, wrong guy." Anyway, I live off the coast of New Hampshire for some reason. I can't remember why. Also, I'm like, really tiny. I'm like, 3'2". Seriously. I'm like, a freaking midget, but whenever I call myself a midget some EVEN smaller people tell me I'm not a midget! WHY CAN'T I BE A MIDGET!? HUH!? YOU'RE FREAKING MIDGETS, AND I'M TOO TALL TO BE A MIDGET!? COULDN'T I JUST BE A FREAKISHLY HUGE MIDGET!? PLEASE!? No, I must calm down. My therapist says to avoid tiny people, but I'm a tiny person, so how can I avoid tiny people? Oh yeah. Time to avoid that subject. Okay. I'm done. Let me tell you about my life.

So, it all began on the morning of April 16th in the year 1988. The doctor smacked my bootilicious bottom and said "Congratulations, you've given birth to a midget." Then, I reached over and smacked the doctor. He hit me, and I hit him again. Again. And again. Then he called the cops and I was arrested for assault and battery. I was then given the crown for "youngest person with a criminal record." Yay me! Anyway, after that incident I was arrested again for possession of "illegitamate award for illegitamate actions." Or something like that. Anyway, until I turned fourteen my life was uneventful, but we're going to skip over to my twelveth birthday party.

Chapter Two : I Was Caught Filling Water Balloons

Okay, so me and my friends are celebrating my birth for some reason. I hear it's tradition, and I can't deny the practices of my ancestors. But why celebrate a person's birth? I mean, I can see why celebrate Britney Spears' birthday, or William Shatners' birthday, or my cat's birthday, but why celebrate my birthday? Oh well. Nobody else knows about it, so I may as well celebrate it with people I barely even know! So, me and my friends are at this park filling water balloons. The police come up and say "you're under arrest" and I just happened to let go of the balloon I was filling at the wrong moment. It squirted it's contents into the kind police officer's face and he took out his night sticky thing. He chased me around the park, but I lost him about halfway around the walkway. He had to stop because he was losing his donuts, and he said he had a condition to where he loses too much weight, his wife doesn't have any handles to grab to... well, she doesn't have any grip, okay? So, one police officer down, three more to go! I run towards my stash of water balloons and chuck them at the police. They called for backup and holed up behind a bunch of trees. They said something about me posessing "WMD's" but I have no clue what those are. I never had any in the first place. I guess. Or maybe a water balloon is a WMD? Is that what they're looking for overseas? WATER BALLOONS!?

Chapter Three : I Lost My Kitty

Alright, so my cat hates me, okay? Whenever I go near him he gets up and chases me upstairs. It must be some weird cat thing. I don't know. Maybe it's people thing, too? I'm not sure. Anyway, this particular time he did his chase thing and I kicked him. He looked really sad, and he jumped out the second story window and ran across the street to my neighbor's house. I yelled for my kitty to come back, but he never came back. I warned him that my neighbors are Chinese! But no, he never listens. The one good thing is my neighbors invited me over to their house for a grill out. Or something. Something strange they said to me was, "This is good, send some more our way more often!"

Chapter Four : I Discovered The Internet

Okay, so I'm like, thirteen, and my parents finally decided to get the Internet! Dial-up! Yes! I hear it's better than Cable! I get 5.0KBps a second, you freaking CABLE OWNERS, beat that! Yes! Midgets deserve better internet service! And get this, I GET MORE POP-UPS THAN YOU! HA! BEAT ALL MY FIVE MILLION POPUPS! AND I GET THE BETTER KIND OF POPUPS! IT SAYS I CAN GET 'BIG' MORE OFTEN! And it says I'll grow, like, three feet in five days! BEAT MY HEIGHT NOW, RICHARD SIMMONS, AND TELL YOUR BOYFRIENDS! HA! Anyway, I discovered the Internet and ordered this miracle pill and it never came in the mail. They said the 'Midget Version' was on 'back-order.' Whatever. So my dreams of growing 'BIG' and getting 'TALL' were rather squashed between the tits of the goat company that offered this! Anyway, coming up next is the day I discovered the forum thingies! (Which I'm still trying to learn how to use, how do you get those smilies?)

Okay, here's the story. I'm on the www.nintendo.com website and it says "Hick Clere to got the forum for Nintencoops!" I hicked and it said "Sorry, I need your credit card number and your social security number, but preferably your credit card number if you can't remember your social security number." I said "okay" and gave him my credit card number. He said "are you over 18" and I said "no" and he said "get out, this card is fake" and I said "wait, I'm over eighteen" and he said "when's your birthday?" and I said "April 16th, 1988" and he said "okay, come on in" and I was like "thanks." I hicked again and he said "no, don't hick there!" And I like, why? And he was like, because that's for people under sixteen. I said, "okay." And I hicked somewhere else. I was in heaven. Or, nintencoops heaven.

Chapter Five : Bill Clinton was the anti-christ before I kicked him in the Dingy Wingy

Bill Clinton was addressing the nation about the nation of Somalia. WHY!? WHY ADDRESS OUR NATION ABOUT ANOTHER NATION WHO ADDRESSED US!? OR GAVE YOU A DRESS AND SAID "WEAR IT TO MY PROM!?" BILL, YOU ARE STUPID, STUPID! YOU NEVER ADDRESS THE NATION WHO DRESSED YOU! Jeez, some of the idiots today. Anyway, he was addressing the nation who dressed him and I walked up and kicked him in the dingy wingy for adressing the nation that dressed him up... or down. Whichever way they did it, it only matters that he was the one with the dress! And he said "I'm the anti-christ" and I could've sworn I heard the voice of Hitler say "See, it wasn't me!" Bill then shrunk into a hole and ran off. I hear he's writing a parody of my book, "My Life," so I'm going to sue him for using my title. Hey, it's a free country! I'll sue whoever I want!

Just like I sued the ice-cream man who stole my other cat and tried to make a new flavor of ice cream with it! I sued him, and he countersued, and I counter-counter sued and he counter-counter-counter sued and won the coin toss. Then my lawyer sued him for suing me for suing him over who won the coin toss and the ice cream man sued him for fraudulent practices. Then, his lawyer sued him for hiring a fraudulent lawyer! Anyway, the ice cream man won the legal battle royal (it was televised) and he won over $30 billion dollars! I also hear he's running this country, now. I'm still not sure how he won the Presidential election...

Closing Statements

Thank you all for reading this huge pile of steaming crap! I hope it was good for a few laughs. Thank you, and good morning. Or good night, depending on what side of the world you're waking up on. :D Anyway, I have to go, the police are still after me ever since my doctor died. They have some strange thing that says "he who attacked the man first, killeth him in the end." Or something like that. Goodbye! My doorbell just rang!