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Article - 'Computer salesmen - dontcha hate em'?' by GaZZwa

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003


Put on your reading glasses as GaZZwa explores the deep, dark underworld of the infamous computer salesperson.


Aside from hackers, they are the scum of the computing world. We hate them and, seemingly, they hate us. They need no introduction. They are the infamous computer salesmen. And what has this got to do with game programming, you ask? Well, nothing. But I thought I’d write it anyway, just to keep my brain from crusting over during the Spring Break. So, without further discussion let’s get on with the article.

The computer salesman’s crimes are varied and many. Aside from trying to con you into buying something you don’t want or don’t need, selling hardware at monstrous prices, trying to deter you from what you are after and numerous other offences that I shall go into later, they are intent on selling you something that will not work. They take up your time, your money (I spent 2 hours on the phone whilst ordering the computer I am sitting at now – 110 minutes of which were spent listening to classical music whilst on hold.) Other retailers had tried to sell me a computer I didn’t want (“No no, I want the 1.2 ghz, not 1.2 mhz!”) with accessories you couldn’t possibly need (“Now how many times do I have to tell you – I have a scanner!”
“Yeah? Well now you can have two!”) and really they don’t know jack shit about computers at all. The best way to come out successful in your purchasing of a new machine is to know a little about computers. If you know what both the salesman and you are talking about, then you’ll be able to stay on top of him/her all the way.

When purchasing my latest computer, I kept in mind what I wanted from the start, and so on the level of getting what I wanted I was successful. Sure, it cost a lot, but it’s a cool computer and I love it to bits. However, on receiving my computer I was deeply disappointed.

It had seemed that the good fellows at MESH PLC had forgotten to send me a machine that actually worked, so after fitting it all together and loading it up I was left to make an angry phone call to the company. Now, this is where things started to go downhill. The other perpetrator of the computing world is the hotline serviceman. They are useless. Utterly useless. After phoning up MESH, they directed me to a hotline service (another hour of classical music as I was put on hold) where I was told that I would have to wait two weeks (two weeks!!) before a guy could even come and have a look at the computer. Needless to say, I told him where to shove ‘it’ and had a look round myself. It so happened that in the van ride from Manchester to my home, the computer had been bashed about a bit and several of the components where either loose, detached or just plain broken. A few of Grieg’s suites later I found myself explaining the problem to the serviceman. He then told me that it would be a further two weeks before transportation could be arranged for my broken machine to be taken away and then yet another two weeks for a replacement to be sent to my house. I mean – would it not be simpler for them to be swapped in the first place? Meh, who am I to complain? It’s only my computer and my sanity on the line here. Nothing too important.

Needless to say, I took this as a chance to practise my French and, the kind Mr. Serviceman turned up the next day to take my useless pile of electronic components away. A week later my new (and fully operational) computer arrived at my doorstep. You see – it pays to be strict with these guys, and don’t forget to throw in the odd swear word or threat here and there. So here is my definitive guide to dealing with those annoying salespeople and servicepeople:

1. Always make exactly clear what you want, don’t buy all their marketing gimmicks
2. It helps to know a little about computers
3. Search around for the best deals
4. Make sure you are in charge
5. If all else fails, swear your ass off

Ok, that is the end of another utterly useless article. Hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for more literature from the cuddliest of staffers.

-- GaZZwa