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Article - 'Your New Computer' by GaZZwa

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

Welcome to your new computer. Before reading, please wear a face-mask and remove any precious items.

Body

Congratulations on opening to box for your Anthrax T-I-T: 2000 personal computer and thankyou for choosing it over other inferior (NB – what we regard as inferior) brands. The Anthrax T-I-T: 2000 has 56000405928 bytes of memory and a further 758372847393.00000000000005 amps of voltage. This makes it by far the least powerful and most liable to crash computing system ever built.

The Anthrax T-I-T: 2000 ‘Easy Rider’ package contains:
Anthrax T-I-T 2000
5” Domestos X2 Monitor
Cordless/useless mouse
HP Sauce Ink-bubble-desk-jet printer with laser components
Moustek Scanner
Sakaguchi Labs 1 speaker surround sound kit
Seatbelt
Free meal vouchers for Arby’s
1000 wires and cords, all tangled together to make an unsightly mess
Pair of binoculars
Keyboard
1,1678 pages of warranties (all of which are invalid)

And the following software programs:
“Welcome to Anthrax T-I-T: 2000 starter pack – getting to know your pc”
"HardSoft Works"
“Bonzai Buddy”
“LiveRPG”
“AutoMap 5.0: Yemen Edition”
“Steven Spielbergo’s 3D Mexican Movie Maker”
“Free hot porn just cum on in”
“The making of goatse.cx – the answers behind the anus”
“Sim Ant”

Upon opening the box you will see some legal paperwork. Just throw this to one side and please do not read as it is a signed document selling your soul to the devil (Microsoft). Below the paperwork is a box containing the Anthrax T-I-T: 2000 machine itself. Open the box. Congratulations on opening the box. You will now see some equipment that looks like the inside of your great grandfathers rectum.

Take the pieces out of the box and fit them together. At Anthrax computers, we guarantee that at least 4 of our components are missing, so we advice you to search around in the box like a fool for approximately 60 minutes then call our customer helpline where after a further 60 minutes of being on hold, an incompetent man with a strange accent will tell you how he will not be able to deliver the spare components until New Year. When you receive your components, please continue to fix them together as shown on diagram sheet .5060708090123. If you do not have this just guess.

When you have completed this find sheet 1.5. If you cannot find sheet 1.5 then please refer to sheet 15.60 “The dangers of nuclear fusion” so that you are fully trained in the likely event of a meltdown whilst attempting to construct your personal computer. After reading through sheet 15.60, please start to untangle your wires and cords until you find cord 79.6. Caution: These wires are identical, and inserting the wrong one into your machine could cause a Spice Girls reunion or the apocalypse.

Attach the correct wires into the back of your machine. Then attach your 5” monitor into the wires. Find a screwdriver (not included) and begin taking your monitor to bits, because chances are the delivery men drove carelessly around these small country roads and banged it up a bit. After locating the problem and fixing it by sticking blu-tac in various places where smoke is obtruding from put your monitor back together and refer to this manual you are reading now for more details.

More details: If you have not yet acquired an advanced degree in ultra-advanced engineering and meta-physics now is the time to do so. Insert component F into socket H2, thus enabling a current to flow through socket F9 which you should now attach onto sprocket S7. If you cannot find sprocket S7, please find your microphone and bend it until it is a circular shape and fit it onto socket F9. Then, insert flux J onto the port side of the HI-HO-Z74 capacitor, leaving just enough room for the H3 anode to be fixed onto Rexel Number 5. The cathode meanwhile will be obtruding from the aft side of the decking on the maintenance field so you should screw it onto the DIV-700 porcelain chamber operator which needs to be handled carefully. Once you have obtained a full jacket minimum sprocket with a J74U capacitator of 9674 hertz, continue to hammer it down into your disk drive until sparks fly out.
Please note: If you have not acquired a C64.867JACKOFF9878 culminator morsar, then your computer will fail to function in 5 minutes time.

With that out of the way your computer is built and operational. Now all you have to do is install all the necessary programs through slow, boring and painfully annoying installation programs.

Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need to acquire an Anthrax D-I-C-K: 3000 auxillary software patch, a 60,000 removal plan hardware faculty unit plus a digital camera and Lamborghini Diablo vehicle. This price of these compulsory extras total at around $60 – 70,000.

Turn the computer on by pressing the on button labelled “off”. You will hear strange and dangerous clicking noises. Do not be alarmed, this is just our lawyers stealing your legal rights so you do not have the power to sue us. You will see a small flashing light. Stare at it until it gives you a seizure. Then type “REM4-EVa-IRK00L” and the MSDos screen will appear. Type in your Licence Verification Number. Your Licence Verification Number can be found by entering your User Module Terminal Key code which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you do not have these, try searching your computer box which you cleverly threw out in the trash yesterday.

The installation process will now begin. Please wait 48 hours for this to finish, even if that means attempting to sleep with the droning noise of the computer’s fan in your ears all night long. When installation has finished, please enter your name, address, day time contact number, social security number, television license and credit card numbers. Please wait while our servers process that data. Now insert Compact Disk A into Disk Drive B, and insert Disk E into CD ROM drive F. You have uploaded all your computers files as well as several viruses. Congratulations! You have successfully survived building your Anthrax T-I-T:2000 personal computer. It should now look like the waste management machine in your bathroom.

Tips on using the internet: Please consult “The internet for dummies” or “So they have the internet on computers now?”
Tips on using HardSoft Excel: Don’t.
Tips on using Hardsoft Works: Swear a lot and the time will pass more quickly.

Trouble shooting:
“My Computer displays lots of coding messages.”
Turn your computer off and all messages will disappear.

“My computer does not want to turn on.”
Turn your computer off then turn it on again and you will have many hours of staring into space.

“My screensaver is just black.”
Turn your computer on.

“My computer does not work.”
Check to see if there are any bite marks on the wires. If so, move your cordless mouse as far away from your computer as possible.

Thankyou for spending an excrutiatingly lagre amount of money on the Anthrax T-I-T: 2000 computer system, and we hope you have many years of nail-biting frustration ahead of you.


-- GaZZwa