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Article - 'Dear OGUM' by GaZZwa

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

Meet Eric Umley, the ulimate newbie. Be afraid, be very afraid!

Body

Dear Official Gamer UK Magazine,

I am writing to you because I want to say how great and excellent Final Fantasy X is and I was so amazed that you guys haven’t come up with a Final Fantasy X2 yet. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but would you not change the characters in it please because Tidus was cool. And please make more Blitzball games in Final Fantasy X2 (if you ever make it).

I think I know a lot about games, and so if you do ever make a Final Fantasy X2, please would you send me some pictures or a demo before other people so I could give you some tips on how good or bad it is. I have thought up some ideas for new weapons like “long sword” and maybe Tidus could have a new friend who is a pro wrestler like The Rock? His special move could be “The people’s elbow.”

I’ve had my PS2 about a year now and I think I could be a great help to you if you made Final Fantasy X2. My big brother said that Final Fantasy X stands for Final Fantasy 10, but I don’t believe him, because if it did then what happened to Final Fantasy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9? He’s just a big stupid head.

One more thing – could you make Final Fantasy X2 a bit easier because me and my friends found Final Fantasy X very hard to play, even though we have not completed it yet. And maybe could you put a part in where if you get seen then the baddies shoot at you like in Metal Gear Solid 2? I think lots of people would enjoy that.

I would just like to say that you guys are my best friends in the whole wide world for making Final Fantasy X and I really hope you will make a Final Fantasy X2. Other games I liked were Metal Gear Solid 2, Crash Bandicoot 5 and Gran Turismo 3. My mom would not let me play Grand Theft Auto 3 because it had an 18 sticker on it, so maybe you could make a under 18 version of it with less blood and swearing? Please copy this up in your UK magazine because I love you so much,

Yours truly,
Eric Umley,
London, England, UK

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Dear Eric,

Your understanding of the gaming world is little. This may come as something as a shock to you, but we don’t actually make the games. We are a magazine. You’ve heard of magazines before haven’t you Eric? I’m sure you mommy has some fashion magazines down by her chair in the living room – or those ones your dad has in his underwear drawer? Well, that’s what we are. An amalgamation of paper and gum. The mediums of words and pictures impart information which can be skipped through via a light thumbing action through the paper leaves. The people you seek with your unrivalled knowledge and perception of the gaming world are the dear people at Squaresoft. They are the people who made the Final Fantasy series. Please contact them regarding your ideas. Oh, and your stupid head brother was indeed correct. Final Fantasy X is in fact the 10th game in the series (with the exception of some non-mainstream FF games such as Tactics.) And what happened to parts I-IX, you ask? And you call yourself a gamer? Well, we are here to help all your queries so we should answer this, despite the fact I swore to myself I never would again. Final Fantasy I-III appeared on the Nintendo Entertainment System, a fantastic console in circulation before your time methinks. Parts IV-VI appeared on the Super Nintendo Entertainment system and are now regarded as classics. Parts VII-IX were released on the PSone (which, even you must have heard of). You can still buy them – we recommend you do and catch up on some history. As for changing the characters in the game, well it’s a little trait that Squaresoft do every time round. Final Fantasy is just a name, the story and characters change. So I suggest you take your complaints, rants and tips elsewhere Eric, notably Squaresoft Japan, they may be able to help you out a little more than we can.

Or not.

Yours mockingly,
Official Gamer UK Magazine

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Dear OGUM,

Thank you for the information you gave me on games. I feel very embarrassed now about the things I said and I would like to apologise. However, I think you too need to apologise because you did not give me the address to Squaresoft’s factory. Please send it now!!!!!

Eric Umley

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Dear OGUM,

I think my last letter might have got sent to the wrong place, or I messed up the postcode or something because you did not send a reply to it OR copy it up into your UK magazine. So I will say again: Please give me the address to Squaresoft’s factory.

Eric Umley

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Dear OGUM,

I found Squaresoft’s address by looking it up on their computer site with the help of my dad – NO THANKS TO YOU! You call yourselves gamers but I don’t think you know anything about games, you don’t even make them. I think they should put Squaresoft in charge of your magazine because they make all the games and they know more about games than you do and you suck because I said so.

Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

Please stop writing to us! We do not want to hear your ramblings, rants, ravings and other evil concoctions. You sir, are the devil. You know not of games nor any other aspect of life. And as for us knowing nothing of games? We live for games. We were around when the first games were made. We were there. We live and breath games! How dare you say things like that, when you yourself think that we make games? Please – never write to us again. We are not interested in what you think. Please die.

Official Gamer UK Magazine

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Dear OGUM,

Ok I will stop writing to you if that is how you feel. You smell.

Eric Umley

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Dear OGUM,

Squaresoft Japan did not reply to the 12 letters I sent them over the duration of this year. Maybe I should send some more? Anyway I have had a change of heart. Instead of playing games, I think I should be involved with making them. Is there a special games college anywhere where I could get a degree in gaming and set up my own Squaresoft company and make games? Or if I cannot do that is there anywhere where I could learn to make games? I am sorry about the horrible things I said and I hope you forgive me, because you guys really are my best friends.

Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

Our hearts bleed for the lack of replies you got from Squaresoft. On that note we cannot help you. There are no games colleges and there is no such thing as a degree in gaming. We seriously suggest you talk to a guidance counsellor. And about us being your friends? We are not your friends! We do not even know you! Please leave us alone and get a life, for God’s Sake!

Official Gamer UK Magazine

Ps. As for game-making? Try www.gamingw.net


-- GaZZwa