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Article - 'Dear Squaresoft' by GaZZwa

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

The 2nd Eric Umley article. Not afraid? You will be...

Body


Dear Squaresoft,

I have been disappointed with your lack of interest in me, you are obviously missing a rare talent. I would like you to employ me onto your team of games makers. I believe I would be a valuable asset to your company as I have some brilliant ideas on both new Final Fantasy games and other original RPGs. I will list these and go into these in great detail later. However, I seriously recommend you to think about this career move and at least reply to me. I have had other experiences in the past when people of lower status in the gaming world have ignored me, or made ignorant quips about my interests but I know you – good men at Squaresoft know better. This is my 24th letter to your company (I have been sending 1 a month for the past 2 years) and you have failed to reply to all of them. Perhaps this is because they have got lost in the mail (I am from England and sending a letter to Japan is quite a business in itself) or perhaps it is because you are Japanese and cannot read English, in which case this letter is utterly useless, but hey – that’s life.

I am a big fan of your Final Fantasy series and I know all about them. I have played Final Fantasy X loads, but it is far too hard and in the 2 years that I have owned it I still haven’t managed to complete it. Last week I bought Final Fantasy VII and that is ok, but definitely not the best in the series. More like the worst. I mean – look at those graphics, it’s as bad as those games that I play on my mobile phone for god’s sake! If I come aboard your team, I will make sure the graphics are better than that, and I will also change the rules so that Tidus can be in other Final Fantasy games because he just looks and sounds cool. Oh, and could you possibly give me the lady’s number who does the voice for Yuna? She was cute.

Anyway, here are my game ideas. The first game I thought of is Sub Zero Quest. Set in a frozen city, a young man called Cloudi Linkus who’s father died on the same day last year goes to avenge his father’s death. On the way to the place he’s going that he doesn’t know where it is, he meets up with many people, the beautiful princess Jar Jar who is trapped in a castle, the washed up knight Bordeaux, the healer Aero and the dark and rock hard adventurer The Rock.

My other game idea is Final Fantasy 12 (I don’t know the Roman numeral for 12 – sorry.) It’s about a princess named Bootylicio who is trapped in a castle and kept their by an evil force called Sin. Together with all the characters from FFX, Tidus must save her from the Dark Lord Sidius.

Please consider my ideas and write back soon. You guys are really my best friends in the world and I love you so much for making Final Fantasy X the best game in the world. Oh! I almost forgot – I have another idea. Instead of blitzball, I invented a new game for Final Fantasy 12. It’s called U-Ball and I invented it all by myself and didn’t copy the idea off someone from a forum somewhere, which is stupid because those internet freaks are freaks.

Thankyou for reading this letter, and please reply soon.

Yours truly,
Eric Umley
London, England, UK

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Dear Eric,

First thing:

What the hell are you talking about??

Second thing:

As you can imagine we get a large amount of fan mail. Some of it is worth reading, but the majority of it is not worth reading. We are very busy and rarely any mail gets to us from our fans, which is a good thing. This is the first fan mail I have read in about a year. I was unaware of your previous letters, but if they are anything of this quality, I will find them, put them in a portfolio and one day when I am feeling glum, I will lay in my bath tub and read them so I get happy. Good idea? I think so.

Also, your letter has been worth reading. For the simple reason that it is a lot of rubbish. How old are you? 12, 13 years old? We would never hire anybody like you, ever. First thing, you’re blatantly obviously a child. Secondly you have no real knowledge of the factors needed to design games anyway. Your game ideas are terrible you seem to have not grasped the idea that Final Fantasy X is not the only Final Fantasy game out there and you a complete and utter idiot. Never write to us again!

Yours truly,
Yoichi Wada
President, Squaresoft


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Dear Squaresoft,

So that's a no then?

Yours truly,
Eric Umley



-- GaZZwa