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Article - 'Dear Core Design' by GaZZwa

An item about Humour posted on Aug 8, 2003

Blurb

The 3rd in the Eric Umley series. The horror...the horror....

Body

Dear Core Design,

I have tried to keep these urges under wraps. But I can’t hide it anymore. I am in love with her. I need to see her. I can’t get her out of my mind. I have exams next week but I just can’t study because I’m thinking of her so much. I need her…I want her! It is a desire that I know only you can fulfil. Please help me out.

Yours truly,
Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

What are you talking about? Have you mistaken us for a dating service or a mail order bride company? It sounds as if you are obsessed with this woman. We can’t help you, we are a graphics design company. Sorry.

Yours truly,
Core Design

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Dear Core Design,

What am I talking about? Your mascot, the buxom babe that is the delicious and teasing Lara Croft. The girl of our dreams, she strides in, guns blazing – her skin tight combats hugging her figure, her pants wrapped around her curves. I need her now!

Yours longingly,
Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

I think you’ve made a slight mistake. We are Core Design the printing company. We design and print graphics onto things like cardboard boxes and aerosols. We are not Core Design the games developers. And about the whole Lara Croft obsession? It seems to me as though you need some help. Please, for your own sake seek some psychiatric attention. For your trouble of writing to us, here is a free toothpaste tube.

Yours bewilderingly,
Core Design

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Dear Core Design (not the packaging designers),

I have tried to keep these urges under wraps. But I can’t hide it anymore. I am in love with her. I need to see her. I can’t get her out of my mind. I have exams next week but I just can’t study because I’m thinking of her so much. I need her…I want her! It is a desire that I know only you can fulfil. Please help me out. I want her! I want her! I need her now, now, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!11!1!1!!1!!!11!1

Yours truly,
Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

What can I say? You need help. Serious help. Lara Croft is not real. She is a character. Our designers invented her for a videogame. She is a character, not real. She is brought to life by cells, pixels, colour and animation. The spirit within her is just a figment of your imagination. She does not exist. And whilst we did run an advertising campaign to make Lara appeal sexy to males, our plan was not to turn people into sex deprived guys who have a desire to have sexual intercourse with something that is not real.

Yours truly,
Core Design

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Dear Core Design,

What do you mean she isn’t real? Of course she is! She must be! No inanimate object could be so tender, so sexy and so gorgeous. I have seen photographs of her in magazines. Say it ain’t so…

Yours with burning desire,
Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

The photographs of which you speak are of models. They are not Lara Croft either I’m afraid, they are just portraying her to promote our titles. Please seek help, you really need it.

Yours truly,
Core Design

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Dear Core Design,

Please may I have their home addresses and daytime contact numbers?

Yours,
Eric Umley

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Dear Eric,

What? Of course not! Please, we do not want anything to do with you. You are a sick and twisted individual. Leave us alone. People like you should never be permitted to play videogames or watch films. You do not seem to be able to distinguish fantasy from reality, and it is because of that that we get mothers’ protesting that our games are too violent. For a normal person, they are not. But for a weirdo such as yourself, you are at risk of running people over every time you go out for a drive after playing GTA3, or trying to cast magic spells on random folk in the street after playing Baldur’s Gate. I hope you never get into the games industry. You would only make games such as “Erotica Island” or “Hentai RPG” or “Hot Sexy Naked Girls 3D”. You are a sick, sick person. Now, leave us alone.

Yours truly,
Core Design

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Dear Core Design,

Ever felt like everything you have worked towards in your life, everything you have been merited for and congratulated for, everything you have succeeded in in achieving your goal and at your finest hour when you have almost achieved your life’s success all of it is smashed and shattered over the dirty rotten floor like a brick hurtling through a window. Thankyou, you have been most successful in destroying my dream.

Eric Umley



-- GaZZwa