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Article - 'The Internet for Intellectuals' by GaZZwa

An item about Miscellanious posted on Aug 8, 2003


A brief explanation on this little thing they call the internet, GaZZwa style...


The Internet for Intellectuals

Welcome to this exclusive guide to the internet, commonly referred to by its users as the ‘World Wide Wait’, the ‘Information Super Queue’ or ‘that crappy thing that crashes every 5 minutes.’ There is much to tell you about this technology, for which the possibilities are endless so for now I will just stick with the basics.

A little history behind the system. The name internet comes from the words inter, coming from into and net. This suggests that you enter the net (the way the system is laid out, like a huge web) and then get stuck (much like a fly in a spider’s web) and cannot escape, however much you may want to. The internets constant appeal isn’t within it’s quality, but with it’s ability to addict you, with it’s many free pornography websites. Other terms commonly used whilst “logged on” to the internet are “E-mail” (which comes from the term elephant mail – early E-mails were sent in Taiwan, the Philippines and other Asian countries by use of elephants), “download” (meaning that when you are loading something your smile, because of the stupidly long time it is taking goes down and into a frown) and “sign off” (coming from the phrase “click it off dude!” – you’ll be using this a lot, I can assure you.

The internet has an almost limitless volume of resources. If there’s something you want, you can be sure you’ll find it on the internet. Somewhere, somebody knows about it or has made a site about it and even if you never need to know about religions such as the Jewish Christians or the Satan Death Worshippers, you can feel safe knowing that if ever you did need a change in the way you live your life, you can find out about it on the internet. But how would you go about finding these sites, you ask? All those’s are hard to remember and there’s no way you’d remember a website address. Well sir, it’s easy. All you have to do is use a search engine such as How do I do something like that, you ask? Well, when the site is loaded, just type in some keywords such as “The Simpsons” or “Nintendo”. After more loading, the search results will appear, and more often than not they will be a list of profane and erotic pornography sites. If this doesn’t work for you, just try guessing the address (ie. Type and after loading up more erotic pornography will appear. Not your kind of thing? Not what your looking for? Prefer more bondage? Well then, just ask around. Which brings us to our next section.

Chat rooms, or cyber café’s, or luv shacks, or places where spotty teens “get it on” with a complete and total stranger are perfect places to ask for information. The inhabitants are usually very knowledgeable about the whereabouts of the information you require, especially if it is labelled under the pornography genre. Before entering a chat room you must take heed of a few certain rules. Whilst in a chat room, you must pretend you are an 18 year old female from California, with blonde hair and a sexy figure. You must don a name like Britney, Christina, Holly or Heather. You must speak in AOL lingo typing ‘you’ as ‘u’, ‘to’ and ‘too’ as ‘2’, ‘are’ as ‘r’, ‘pee’ as ‘p’ and must type everything in caps lock, just to be heard or read as it were.

A popular venture for video gamers is online gaming. Restricted at first to simple puzzle games, this whole new genre has expanded and many computer games available in the shops have online capability, which is utterly useless. After loading up the game you must wait for 5-10 minutes for the game to connect to the internet. After doing so, you must select a level, a character and many other features which will take you a further 20 minutes. After doing this you will have to wait another 20 minutes for the level to load up. After it has loaded up you a free to play the game against your opposition, who always seem to be considerably better at it than you. This could be because of the slow speed the game is running on your computer. Every time you press the command key for ‘step forward’ it takes the game 35 seconds approximately (give or take a few frames) to realise you are telling it to do something and execute that action. Shooting and other combat actions are even worse. Press the ‘fire’ key whilst holding a rocket launcher and it will not fire. Run off to get some more ammo (believing that you are out of ammunition) and whilst standing towards a wall your rocket launcher will automatically fire the many rounds you attempted to send off at your enemies a few moments earlier, hitting the wall and blowing you to smithereens. Online gaming is at best, a nail biting, fist clenching, tedious and frustrating experience. I suggest you try it.

Of course, the internet is a great place to improve your business as well. Ever dreamt of having your own company website, or just one on your hobbies, or a place to upload your pornography collection to share it with your friends? Of course you haven’t. Well now you can! Websites such as Yahoo Geocities offer great packages for free, meaning that you can build a professional* website in 5 minutes with absolutely no experience with computers at all! And if you abuse their rules (by creating more than one site and linking them together) then they’ll shut you down! Now isn’t that just the best customer care plan you’ve ever heard of? What this means is, an increase in lame websites entitled “Joan’s cat Fluffy” and “Wishmoo’s Guide to Suing” and a decrease in quality sites such as “Gaming Ground Zero”. It does however mean a slight increase in sites such as “Britney fakes” and “Hot naked chicks free all night”, which can never be a bad thing. A geocities a site always maintains top quality and it is a Geocities promise that they will always make the best websites, such as this; which on other site creators would look like this. And I do not work for Geocities or Yahoo. Honest.

NB: in this context ‘professional’ is a word equal to: sluggish, terrible, lame, foget, shitty and blasphemous.

The internet is a huge information system, which is unrivalled by any other. It lowers the IQ, raises perversity and slowly blinds you. It is simply marvellous. With the internet, possibilities are endless. The largest pornographic library to date is growing every day, oh, and it features some other stuff like information on stuff and communities and stuff. I guess.

Dr. Gareth Watts
Harvard University
Yahoo Geocities Subliminal Message Advertising

-- GaZZwa